Foul Transmissions August 11 2020

 August, 11, 2020

Foul Transmissions.

Quick like the night, blasting like dying neon signs with half shot out letters in the wrong side of town at the wrong time of night.

"I'm not going to get chopped up like Dave did", Zero thought. Remembering his acquaintence that helped him and his mom and his girl out when they first went homeless.  

Hearing about someone being killed is one thing, hearing it was someone you knew is another, entirely, and hearing that their body was dimembered is another thing as well.

Cruel Town.  No longer the heartland of grass and song.  No longer the punk capitol of Mendocino County California.  First you overpopulate it, then you raise the rents, then throw in some huge fires that made many counties residents homeless and then they come to Ukiah, and then you legalize weed and the money structure gets fucked.  Know nothings who pulled in a couple hundred a night selling ten sacks at dive bars and five sacks are now moneyless.   Wandering the streets.  

Looking like zombies in search of brains like an old black and white American International flick.  A popcorn muncher for sure.  Let's go to the Lobby....  Oh wait.  Lobby's closed, so is the Library, some parks, we also have the great plague of 2020 to deal with, morons in office, and puppets EVERY ONE OF US.

No more Disneyland, No knott's Berry Farm, No Toky Disney, no nothing.  No arcades are open, Game over, man.  Game Over.  Enjoy plunking down a batch of cash on a new console, enjoy rotting out in front of the tube.  Of course I'm upset.  

I was getting ready to play raves and parties before Covid hit.  I just bought my mixer and my turntable interface thing.  I was learning how to do what persons call "scrathing", and mixing up tracks so that I could play at parties, even using my own stuff, my techno in some of my sessions.  I felt pretty strong about it.  Back in mid March  my hopes were very high.  Maybe too high.    I felt like I wanted to do techno for real, play parties and what not.  I don't know if I'll be the same.  I don't know how I'll feel after the threats are down, vaccines built and available, people permitted to party again.  I don't know how I'll feel.  I hate my6self right now.  I kind of think....  maybe , if I didn't get my DJ gear, and want to play live and get new tracks ready, that this shit wouldn't be happening.

But, then again, I think lots of things.  I think if I didn't go to school that one day, maybe Dad would not have died.  BUT...  He was gonna die, anyways.  I would have had to have WATCHED IT HAPPEN.   I miss ya, pops.  Always will, but no effing way would I have wabted to watch him "pass on".  

"Passing On".,  There's something we don't talk about.  It's not like we're passing a football.  it's not like we're passing a soccer ball, it's not like we're passing a joint or a bong.  It's not like passing around a bag of powder or passing the little mirror around with a rolled up hundred dollar bill at a 2 am get together.  We're talking about DYING.  that's what it should be called.  ... Dying.  Period, end of report, end of line, kids.  the rainbow and the buck stop HERE.    The fuse has blown, the bird has flown, etcetera.   Planets die, plants die, people die.  That's Life.  Just like the Sinatra song.  Know what else I liked by Sinatra...  "My Way", which we played at Chais Bailey's Memorial at Brooktrails Lodge in WIllits California back in 2014.  Six years.   can't beleive it, But I have to.

Pets die, bands break up.  Couples break up.  Couples make up, couples get restraining orders on one another.   Some coup;les should have been together forever, so0me couples should have never even met one another.  Some couples are so great looking on the outside and yet are so bitter inside that the bitterness could clean rust off of a busted up car ina junk yard from about forty years ago.  Some love is lies.  Some love is jealous.  Some love is control at times.  Some love is mechanical and mean, some love is joyous and pure.  Sometimes it's a forest.  

No matter what kind of life you are living, please, do yourself a favor and try to have people and things and stuff happening around you that keep you whole and happy.  

In february, I had the chance to see TSOL at  The Ukiah Brewing CCompnay.  It was great.  Punk rock is something I enjoy, just like I enjoy video games a ton.  Lots of music makes me happy and relaxed and calm and open.  I enjoy a lot of ojazz and experimental rock as well as progressive stuff at eh current time.  Today, I hope to make a few electronic tracks and continue my word - work.

I've found writing to be one of the more theraputic forms of expression for me.  painting, drawing and that type of art frustrate me some times because of my shaky hands and occasional errors that just ...  ...  erk me in certain ways.

If i did paintings and drawings more, people would pick on me more, I'm afraid.

....

BALANCE:

How much is too much?  How much is too little?  how do we learn thses things?  I know I'll be out again, prowing the bars again after this thing is over.  If it's ever over.  Do we know when?  NO we don't that's the thing about a disease or a PANDEMIC.  It isn't an "in by 9, out by 5" kind of thing.  It's a "HEY I'M HERE, FUCKING YOUR LIFE UP", kind of thing.  It's kind of like 80's - 90's  HIV and AIDS.  Put the fucking mask on, use a condom on your fucking face when you go to the germ orgy that is the local Walmart or overpopulated liqour shoppe.

....

Vacation In Videoland.

I'm not going to odo any "virtual Shows", for anyone.  My computer does not have the horsepower that some phones have.  I'll jst make stuff, and get it out when I can.  However I can do it and whenever my depression lets my leg out of its shark toothed bear trap type devices of negative memories, nightmares, and bad thought.  I'll let you all pop a poem in your eyeballs or a review or something.  I'm not upgrading my hardware so that I can do ZOOm meetings.  The first thing I need to worry about is where I'm gonna sleep and go to the bathroom and stuff.  We're being kicked out.  Mom doesn't say it's "being evicted", but it is, it said "EVICTION" on the fucking letter the fucks gave to the people that own or owned the property.  That was about two months ago.  We have about two weeks left, here.

Mom will be Seventy Nine in a few days.

Seventy Nine years old and still pisses off bill money at the casinos like a junkie who just scored enough for a bag and a cheap pack of smokes.  Every damned time I turn around she's lying about where the money is going, just throwing words out to patch up the lies.  Complete LIES.  Fabrcated to the teeth like a fucking toy.  Mom should know about toys, she worked at Mattel, making Barbies and Chatty Kathuy dolls.    She knows how to work the HUMAN WORD.  She'll lie to you knowing full well she thirsts for the grab jerk and possible squirtgasm of the one armed bandit.

She knew how to lie to me and Cher back in February,  we put all our trust into her.  Every drop of it.  Thirteen hundred bucks is nothing to scoff at...  but, hey, my Mom don't give a damn.  Now she's telling me to leave, if I don't like it so much, here.  I'm trying, ...  trust me.  I'm trying.  Gods have mercy on me and my mind.  I'm thinking about leaving to the East Coast, or Brazil.  Something different than this.  get some new air, think a little differently.  Change the view.  I know Rock is dead.  So is techno.  So is a lot of stuff.    I'm fine with it.  I've got words.  Fuck it all.  I can watch films, play games, jerk off, drink beer, smoke pot, ciggarettes and whatever else I want. 

I'm a damned american, a human being from Los Angeles (at least i think im human- but I do know I'm from Los Angeles).

"WHERE ARE YOUR FANS, OLIVER?, If you want me to help you get shows you need to show me more hits on your youtube videos, you need to hae a discord and a this thing and a that thing and why haven't you done enough... blah blah blah, you suck blah blah...  just go to our parties and do your drugs like you normally did ... blah blah blah.", 

Dan I hope you're reading this.   Yes I do drugs.  

I drink, smoke ciggies, pot and do whatever else I want to.  

Yes, I do drugs, but, I also do women, Dan... I also do women.  I love them all...  women, drugs, video games, music, writing, comic books and cartoons and anime, toys and artwork and Pinball.  

Why didn't you want to take a ride with me in my 72 Ford Capri that was on the Autobahn?, Cuz I drove too crazy and it was a hot rod and you were scared???  

Wuss.

Life is short.  Go fast when possible.  Buy the ticket, take the ride.

Be not afraid of death.  It is just part of the thing, part of the circle.  Part of the damned circle.  You start out from darkness, not knowing...  then go into darkness having learned.  From One o Clock till Eleven or so, we have time to live and breathe and love and learn and care and bring joy, then...  the veil shuts, the curtain is drawn and we leave the stage.  Our cue is wrapped, grab your water bottle and head to the green room.  POW .  that's about it.  If I had anything to say to anyone that is "up and coming", or "just starting out", I would tell uyou that entertainment is a BITCH.  Every time that I've made moves to go forward, people have thrown a stick in my arts' bike wheels spokes causing me to wreck badly.

Commercial oppression happens not only in places like New York and in Los angeles and San Francisco and Berkley, Oakland, London, ....,  alll over......  it also happens in places that we were looking for real true unity, peace and together movement, like Ukiah California.  95482.  

This place used to bring me so much joy.  So much fucking joy that it makes me cry, regarding how things turned, over the years.  It makes me beyond upset, it makes me sick, thinking about how mad people were at me for trying to perform, here, try to get a band together, etc.

I tried to work for different bands, doing songwriting again.  Sometimes it worked.  Sometimes not.  Having my hopes and focus in line helped me, though.  I( felt more true to me, no matter how bad I felt some times.  The gravity of productivity outweighed the pain of not being accepted.

I knwo that to many people, I am an outlaw, a bad guy, a ne-er-do-well, if you wish.  

I know I like fantasy wargaming and Dungeons and Dragons, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to find another group to play with.  I fear that, and am accepting of it as well.

I guess I'll get rid of my books.  I guess I'll get rid of my old Playboys from the 60s and 70s.  I guess I'll get rid of my gunsmoke machine.  I guess I might get rid of a few pieces of non used stereo equipment, and my guitar amp.  I guess i'll get rid of a lot that's been weighing me down.  

Including my care amount for my mom.  Everyone is gonna say...  "You need to take care of your mom", though, and I feel they are right, but I also think about when back from august or september of 2017 to February of 2018...  I had to sleep on the streets with Cher.  Sometimes I was alone.  Mom and me and Cher were renting a room and a bed for mom at a friend named Mark's mobile home.  Mom decided one night that she would take the cat away with her.  It was Cher's cat frst.  We got scared and tried to call her for three days.  At about 130 AM, my mom, SHaron L. Mattson...   finally answered her phone.  She informed us that she and the cat had moved into another house and we could not talk any mnore that night.  Cher and I were kicked out of Mark's mobile home due to Mom's rent not being there when it was needed.  She made us homeless.  She made us sleep on the streets.  Cher was lucky enough to have her Dad's house in the bay area to run to.  I had to sleep in trash cans, underneath fold out two panel signs, ...  the kind that look like an upside down "V" at times, and or the letter "A" from the side, behind dumpsters,  in rain and thunderstorms and worse.  It was not fun at all.

....

The BURNER.

I intend on continuing my gaming, writing, music, band or no band (no band for right now), writing, artowrk on occasion, and will keep my hopes up as best possible.  I have about two weeks to get all of my stuff out of here as best i can and intend on followoing though with maximum efficiency and to pass the test of life with flying colors.  

ANGERS AND ISSUES;

Decent Housing

I can't Have a pinball machine right now.

I breathe music.  Being away from the internet and my constant access to music will hurt more than before.  I spent TWO YEARS , here.  thats about one twentyfist or one 22nd of my life.  I can't deal with the problems though, here, anymore.  I can not deal with the cops coming in to kick us out of yet another dwelling.  I need out of here, ASAP.

As far as mom goes.  I think she'll be okay.  I know not really GOOD okay, but...  "Okay-ish".  I know that her gambling problem, like my drink and drug problems will not fade fast, nor will my thirst for women, games, toys, Music, cartoons, Anime, porn, comics, and action figures.  

Honesty's the best policy, RIGHT?

When they say stuff about "honesty", and "balance", are ...  very difficult for me to deal with.

Why can't I just be honest about wanting to kiss a female freind or admitting that I am super duper horny for her.  I can't say that kind of shit, though, right?  Because ...  it's not "politcally correct"???  Right?   Why can't I tell a woman that I've known for twenty some years that I would like to take her to dinner and maybe more, or dancing (back when that was a thing), or to the films or an arcade or a long stroll on a road she's okay with...  (all dead).  

FUCK YOU COVID 19.

Does saying these things make me look like a fucking chauvanist?   I hope not, or maybe I hope so.  Maybe I need to bleed out my red blood like all the rest of us and show my tue colors.  Maybe I need to chanmge.  Maybe I need to stay the same.  Maybe I shouldn't have to have internal arguments that last three fn hours and burn my body and mind up like a paper fire.  

.......

The beginnings start with:

various Punk Shows with my sitter when I was 4 and 5 in Los Angeles (80-81)

LAZERIUM 1981 - Griffith Observatory  

Van Halen - 1984 (1st Vinyl LP)- 1983 

Journey - Frontiers  - 1983

after that I listened to a lot of Jazz and spoken word, Beatles, Stones, Gabor Szabo, 

I got into rock a lot more heavily after I had turned eleven years old.   I saw a few metal bands at big arena shows that made my mind burn.  I got into poetry and lyricsim when I was around ten.   That is also around the time I got into Chess and strategy games.     Foirging my slow, slippy walk into songwriting, I began to writie songs for a few of the metal / thrash bands that practiced and rehearsed in the storage units on Cherry Street in Ukiah, across the tracks from where I lived on Waugh Lane from 1986 to 1987.

They would ask me abou the poems I was reviewing in my notebooks that I was preparing to print out at school at Oak Manor Elementary School and Nokomis.  I was shy at first to share my poems and writing with them, but as soon as they put some of my words with music and got it REALLY LOUD...  I was simply hooked as hell.

+OCM+ August 11 2020