55mph notes
OR: A Primer or Daybook of a Mess -
OR: Why Don't I read this Book:
BY OLIVER C. MATTSON
COPYRIGHT 2009
aka
Alexander Maxim
(legend: --- page break)
Shattered Dreams can occur at the most random of moments, Habits tend to make these random moments occur at the most peculiar of times.
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Always if possible, recruit a co pilot, or wing-person that has your best wishes in mind.
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The person that you meet on the Internet may not be the same person you meet in real life.
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Try hard to eat some food and be well rested and happy before going to a party, or out to bars. Jealousy can rear its ugly head at any moment when one isn't in the right head-space.
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If you feel that you need to do something differently, in order to make your life better, find it yourself and go their with the direction that you put into it yourself, sometimes one needs to make one's own compass.
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Read, Write, draw, sing, compose, perform, move, dance, Daydream. Do something that makes you feel at peace with the earth and life and most of all, Yourself.
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If people are hurting you, and you feel that you are being brought down by the whole world, remember, the next breath you take is a possible moment for YOURSELF, and that, even if you have to hide inside a fantasy world for just a few minutes, those are YOUR MINUTES, and no one at all can take them from you.
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Watch a cartoon from when you were a kid. Try to remember when the cartoons were over on Saturday Morning, and you had no other worries, and you were either going out to play, or just sit a round and goof off. Write a note to yourself about it.
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Find places on the internet and in books, literature , film, that recapture the Awseomeness and Coolness of an old hobby, a favorite toy or game, and just simply enjoy it, at least minutes a week.
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Watch Pinnochio from Disney. Jiminy Cricket's got a lot more upstairs now, as i look at it, after all the dumb stuff I've done. Sometimes, he seems like he's talking right at me.
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Like Art? Make a picture. Like to write? Start writing. I held back on writing and my music, and my artwork, and all those nights i spent on the barstools and all the beatings and hangovers I took, I could have had a shelf or ten full of books written by now. The day, this one. Is Yours.
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Make your own magic. Don't fit on with others, can't find a coven to belong to?? Whatever you're into, If you're in a bit of a spot, try to center yourself and maybe make your own magic symbols and non harmful rituals to get over the "rut", life, like any game of cards, can deal strange, and from time to time terrible cards.
---
It's all soup.
Mix and match things, in the privacy of your own head. If you dream of Abe Lincoln and E.A. Poe riding on a starship with Mark Twain en route to a billiards tournament in the shadows of the dark side of Saturn, so be it. What kind of ship would it be? (This is my idea, i used it as an example). All things in life come and go, move around just like the stars in the sky. We see different ones every night. Some fall away. Enjoy them when you can.
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If you don't really want to go to a show that your friends want you to go to, becasue you're scared something bad might happen, or your friends say that you shouldn't go to, DON'T GO TO THAT SHOW. Gut instincts and first reactions are our body and the universe's way of telling us, WAIT UP.
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Some of us didn't make it. Please be careful.
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Don't jump to and from things too quickly, unless you know to handle the rhythm, and know your own pace.
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DON'T Try being soemthing you're not. I tried dealing drugs, tried being "smooth with the ladies", I tried being something I wasn't. What did I get? Nearly Dead. Brain Damage, physical disability. DON'T TRY BEING SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT, but also, try not to plasticize oneself and get yourself pinned as something like: Punk Rocker, Metal Head, Stoner, Drunk, Loser, dink, etc. etc.
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Don't fit in. Just relax.
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Elevate your consciousness. Read something that makes you feel better about yourself and makes you want to do more with your life. Whther it be written by the Dahli Lhama, or it be Grover's Own Alphabet.
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Don't Lie. Unless you know what the hell you're doing and or you're using it a survival tactic, if it keeps you alive and breathing, LIE AWAY.
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Don't break older relatives things. You'll get less when they pass away.
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Blackouts Suck.
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Study words that make sense TO YOU. NOT what's "hot", or whatever.
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FEEL. If you can't feel. Think. If you can't think... Learn that you can't, or that you're not thinking correctly.
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The future is about self and outer awareness, In my opinion. But then again, my thoughts haven't been all that right, as of late. Pardon me.
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Nothing is as it seems, sometimes. Then again, other times, things can be brutally real.
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Do you enjoy Holidays? If not why?
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Get a support team. For whatever it is that you're into. If youmake artwork, have people look at and critique and talk about it. Have A reading of some of your writngs or a listening exam get together if you do spoken word or if you're a musician. Keeping creative juices flowing is from time to time, not only necessary, it can be the difference between life and death.
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DON'T OVERDO ANYTHING. Change it up. If you get stuck on a homework problem or in writers block up to your neck, save your work, burn it off, save it on your thumbdrive, do whatever. Take a break. Watch a film, play a video or board game, watch something you really enjoy. Or try something completely different. If you're on a bender, watch your self. Sleep, Eat Food, Drink Water, Coffee, etc. If the reason why you're on said bender is a depression or loneliness issue, do something to change that. Hop in a chat-room, watch a live stream of something. Bitch about the news of the day in a blog or in a spiral notebook. Pen and Paper are truly the best laptop sometimes.
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If you don't have someone to talk to in the middle of the night with if you're really depressed ad sad and every thing is icky icky bad, dig up or get a children's book that you enjoyed when you were little. I never knew how much a nursery rhyme meant to me until I was real, real down.
---
entry 30. WOOHOO.
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CREATE. EVEN if it takes you what seems like a long long time, but don't wait too long. KNOW full well that books are made of chapters, chapters are made of paragraphs, paragraphs are made of words, words are made of letters. One at a time. Baby Steps.
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Sometimes it's hard to take advice. Even from one's own self.
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Read Alice In Wonderland.
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Feel the rhythm of old poetry and prose, from before the year Two Thousand. Feel the way the the ends of the sentences go in front of one another, like they were on a walk, or a jog. Run through the letters. Feel the words. Listen inside.
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Write about anything, even if no one else is reading at all. Get it out. The words eat brains like feelings eat souls. Keep the heart light, keep the mind free yet determined. Stay Hungry.
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Know what you CAN DO, exploit yourself and your skill set, not your Antics.
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When you're down, don't go out trying to get better. Get better first, THEN GO OUT.
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IF You're tired, take a nap, if you're hungry eat food, If you're thirsty, drink some water. If you're antsy, exercise. If you're horny, masturbate. (not in public)
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Have one's head about one's shoulders. You may not have a head if you do not.
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Read Washington Irving.
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Even if it's played out, in your circle, or you've just read it a few minutes ago, take time to enjoy The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe, especially if it was a gray gray day and at about midnight you're bothered by a certain bird.
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Watch a sporting event. Have no favoritism in the teams, just watch to see the process of the game ITSELF, and use that as meditation. It's hard not to do other things, for me, though, when watching football, but it makes for great background noise as I type my butt off.
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TRY Learning CHESS. I dare you. Looks like moonspeak to me.
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I'M GOING FORWARD. Ruts in road, rainy mud and snow behind me. Sleet, sludge mucky yuck car wrecks, closed stores and lost cash. Brain damage. GOING FORWARD. Good grades bad friends lying cheating bad trends. Plasticide victim, but I'm still alive. GOING FORWARD.
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LIKE FIRE. Be a flaming arrow aiming at the bull's eye of your own absolute core goals. All genres and lines of classification are meaningless now. Nothing can be truly categorized, unless it's simply databased. At that point it's been processed so that a machine can deal with it. A machine. Know that everything in life, good, bad, happy, sad, are parts of your life. And your life is part of the Universe. And your life, like the Universe, with dark and light, fire and ice,
IS VALID.
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PLAY PINBALL- EVEN IF IT'S ON YOUR iPhone.
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If you're feeling well enough, take a rain walk. Or listen to an audio track of rain, and say you took a rain walk.
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Smoke Marijuana, have the munchies. Enjoy a Cheech and Chong album and laugh like you were ten.
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Skinnydip. Even if it's by yourself. Even in your own tub at home or in a hotel room. Light some candles... SCRATCH THAT I suck with FIRE. Light some safe, Environmetally friendly light device that provides you with a sense of self indulgence and or joy. If you don't want to, or your house has no hot water, or you're just not in the mood, go back 2 pages re: "rain walks".
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If your spouse is cheating on you, and you're not leaving them, no matter how much of a lie you're living and how obvious it is, USE COMMON SENSE. USE A CONDOM. Just like the T-shirt Says, "You may think she's your gal, but she could be anybody's pal". If I got it wrong, oopsie, oh well.
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Sunday afternoons used to be about watching old grainy monster movies and Horror flicks on local channels off the rabbit ears. What Happened?
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If you're in a socio-economically isolated area and you don't fit in, and you're in your thirties.... FUCKING MOVE ALREADY.
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Never mess with the dead.
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Dress like your favorite Author, or musician, or whoever, in secret, alone. Even if it's a pair of Raul Duke style sunglasses that make you feel like you're on your way to Vegas.
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EAT FOOD, DRINK WATER, REST AND EXERCISE.
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Love the self, to heck with the rest, If you're surviving, you've passed the test.
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What I said before about watching a sporting event. Let me say this: The amount of commercials, freaking beer ads and un-necessary commentary in this thing are starting to really chap my hide.
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I'd love to have random art galleries pop up and music places pop up and places to show my writing pop up and do some stand up or spoken word or something.
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Feel.
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Listen.
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Relax
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Love. If you can't love, even if you can't love yourself, Get MAD, but get mad enough to do something with that energy. Don't just pitch it into the night air and hope for the best. Nightmares happen that way. Hideous crime and death can occur at those moments when we have no control.
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Be at peace within the self and the boundaries of the self. If there's fences, they're there for reasons. Freedom Witin Boundaries. The concept of "freedom within bounds", is common in some application(s) of technology, science fiction, and artificial intelligence as well as database management.
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Remember a commercial you liked, as well as one that made you say to yourself "WHAT were they Thinking????"
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GET OUT OF DODGE. Mini-Escapism Works.
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Attract the right attraction. Be careful. Play not games that one does not understand. Wants may be similar to those of others, but only each person can find what they are "looking for". If one does not know what one is looking for, one should look inside, first.
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(my version of) The work world causes one to feel the pressures of Money, first, of operation and process and method next, and self fulfillment last. If your job does more than that for you, feel blessed.
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stress can take one down, but it can also be turned into a reverse enery and soemthing we can work with, like using an opponents strength and energy to their disadvantage in martial arts. Pick up techniques to help you in your future jobs and or projects at the place that you're at now. Strategize. Don't do anything that you might regret, BUT LEARN.
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Mind Expanding Chemicals can not only expand the brain, but also destroy the mind, deteriorate the soul and make life's dreams go to the wayside like a blast from a lazerbeam shooting through the core of the heart as big as the sun. The self becomes more than one thing from time to time. Not only can the self be the embodiment of mind, body and soul, but the self can also be a reactive beast barking at strange noises in the lonely house called reality.
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Count to ten.
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Be Careful, please.
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Best Wishes. May your dreams come true. May you be calm, may you have no worry, no regret, and no shame. May your endeavors be fruitful and your hopes bright, may your travels be good. May the challenges of life be those that you can deal with and may your mind wish to learn more so that you can deal with them better. May the winds of success soar you to new Heights, and may the weight of defeat not drag you below the surface so low that you cannot bring the anchor up. Let those dark times be temporary, learn that there are those in life that wish you harm, and also, that there is truly love. In many forms is love. Appreciation takes different shapes. Look not a gift horse in it's mouth, Dark forests are hard to get through, but the pastures are so much greener on the other side. The trick is not going in them to begin with.. Return not to the fields of regret.
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SHINE.
---
end one-
Oliver C. Mattson
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Questions For the Sky (c) 1999/ 2010 oliver mattson
my children's story (that i'm storyboarding) from 99.
Questions for the Sky By Oliver C. Mattson
A boy walked from his home to the top of a tall hill, above him in the sky was a light rain. It fell warm and fell still. the sky was covered with
bright gray. Behind all the clouds was the Sun who had not gone away, But was hiding behind a blanket today, it needed a nap before it could come out to play, so he didn't ask the Sun any questions that day.
But the boy asked the wind, "Wind, why do you blow"" and the wind replied, "Because I push the air around from here over to there, I bring around the clouds to places that need help with rain. I keep the air fresh. so all the people don't complain. I keep pollen and seeds moving that are so small, people can't see. So that the world will be full of plants, flowers and trees. I help water, and fishes and streams some days I'm here, and some days I'm there. I have to keep moving so that I can share. I keep blowing and turning and moving the air.
The boy said "Thank you wind, I now know what you do, and now I can better appreciate you". With that, the wind went by, and the rain still fell and
the boy smiled, and he waived his red hat in the air for awhile.
The boy asked the rain, "Rain, why do you fall? The rain said "because, everything that's alive needs water, plants, animals, the ground; people, you, and your family, and everything around, the trees, and the flowers, the fish and the sea: the wind and even the rain. I need me the sun is warm and makes things dry, so bright it shines, up in the sky, it heats up the water, and it evaporates, and the vapors turn into clouds, ain't that p great`? The wind stirs me up and moves the clouds around, I sprinkle the rain all over the ground, when the ground wants more water'cause it's really, really dry, well, that's when all the thunder and lightning come out of the sky so the rain will fall down,
both-here and there, sometimes it needs a little scare. I bring life to the planet, that's what I do".
The boy said "Thank you rain I know now what you do, now I can better appreciate you." With that the boy once more removed his red hat and waved it towards the sky, the rain fell, the wind blew, and the boy walked back home.
The end.
(c)
1999 / 2010 by Oliver Mattson
All Rights Reserved
A boy walked from his home to the top of a tall hill, above him in the sky was a light rain. It fell warm and fell still. the sky was covered with
bright gray. Behind all the clouds was the Sun who had not gone away, But was hiding behind a blanket today, it needed a nap before it could come out to play, so he didn't ask the Sun any questions that day.
But the boy asked the wind, "Wind, why do you blow"" and the wind replied, "Because I push the air around from here over to there, I bring around the clouds to places that need help with rain. I keep the air fresh. so all the people don't complain. I keep pollen and seeds moving that are so small, people can't see. So that the world will be full of plants, flowers and trees. I help water, and fishes and streams some days I'm here, and some days I'm there. I have to keep moving so that I can share. I keep blowing and turning and moving the air.
The boy said "Thank you wind, I now know what you do, and now I can better appreciate you". With that, the wind went by, and the rain still fell and
the boy smiled, and he waived his red hat in the air for awhile.
The boy asked the rain, "Rain, why do you fall? The rain said "because, everything that's alive needs water, plants, animals, the ground; people, you, and your family, and everything around, the trees, and the flowers, the fish and the sea: the wind and even the rain. I need me the sun is warm and makes things dry, so bright it shines, up in the sky, it heats up the water, and it evaporates, and the vapors turn into clouds, ain't that p great`? The wind stirs me up and moves the clouds around, I sprinkle the rain all over the ground, when the ground wants more water'cause it's really, really dry, well, that's when all the thunder and lightning come out of the sky so the rain will fall down,
both-here and there, sometimes it needs a little scare. I bring life to the planet, that's what I do".
The boy said "Thank you rain I know now what you do, now I can better appreciate you." With that the boy once more removed his red hat and waved it towards the sky, the rain fell, the wind blew, and the boy walked back home.
The end.
(c)
1999 / 2010 by Oliver Mattson
All Rights Reserved
Monday, December 14, 2009
hg
ZYDES:
- A GAME * OR EXPERIENCE FOR ONE OR MORE PLAYERS OR VIEWERS
- an abstract adding and subtracting and meditational tool/
- Not A Talking Board.
- A Modular gaming system
- All That and More.
- A GAME * OR EXPERIENCE FOR ONE OR MORE PLAYERS OR VIEWERS
- an abstract adding and subtracting and meditational tool/
- Not A Talking Board.
- A Modular gaming system
- All That and More.
we'll show up around midnight
they'll move in ultraviolet light
infra red infra beam
darkness may not be what it seems
quiet flash like hallicination
tuning into strange vibrations.
lOOOOONG COOOOLLD HALLLLL WAYYYY
LOONNNG COLLLLLD HALLLLLLLL WAY.
they'll move in ultraviolet light
infra red infra beam
darkness may not be what it seems
quiet flash like hallicination
tuning into strange vibrations.
lOOOOONG COOOOLLD HALLLLL WAYYYY
LOONNNG COLLLLLD HALLLLLLLL WAY.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
california ta ta for now.
if you don't love me why don't you get out of my life
instead of just standing there with that look, it cuts like a knife
every ti-ime you come back
the room's light its switches black
whyy-y-y
you around me?
i look inside and think,
it's astoundiing
she said it's over why don't she leave, finish it up so we can both greive,
but the stitches they just get torn out, and it floods.
the teardrops fall, the worrry and then
the blood.
say sweetness.
please pack your bags right now. here's the cab faire and the train will be on time.
seems to be,
why you with me?
You're not mine.
instead of just standing there with that look, it cuts like a knife
every ti-ime you come back
the room's light its switches black
whyy-y-y
you around me?
i look inside and think,
it's astoundiing
she said it's over why don't she leave, finish it up so we can both greive,
but the stitches they just get torn out, and it floods.
the teardrops fall, the worrry and then
the blood.
say sweetness.
please pack your bags right now. here's the cab faire and the train will be on time.
seems to be,
why you with me?
You're not mine.
zydes notes: how to use symbols in zydes to abbreviate and interface with books/ zydex / etc.
THE BOARD's (6x6) MAIN GRID
can be gridded out to letters (a-z) and numbers (1-9 & 0)
the grid can also be used in indexing symbols,
the symbols can be listed on a grid in a book that can had differeent page numbers allocated to information regarding what might be encountered when entering that space on the board, or if a trigger or action has activatd it in some way, summoned, or otherwise, also, WORDS can be used as well, as words are made of letters and the words can mix encrypted elements listed in letter bound elements and element bound letters.
zydes:
it's a way of mapping the universe.
-om-
12/13/2009
can be gridded out to letters (a-z) and numbers (1-9 & 0)
the grid can also be used in indexing symbols,
the symbols can be listed on a grid in a book that can had differeent page numbers allocated to information regarding what might be encountered when entering that space on the board, or if a trigger or action has activatd it in some way, summoned, or otherwise, also, WORDS can be used as well, as words are made of letters and the words can mix encrypted elements listed in letter bound elements and element bound letters.
zydes:
it's a way of mapping the universe.
-om-
12/13/2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
MOVIE OUTLINE
COPYRIGHT OLIVER MATTSON
Brainlick: Ninety Eight Dreams
or: Starting off Damned only to be left with some Loose Change leftover.
Synopsis: / Outline:
A BRIEF INTRO TO Alexander Maxim:
first concussion age 3
1st overdose: age 9
age 13 broke into warner lot in Burbank, got mugshots taken, crying like hell.
age 14 passed high school credits in 6 weeks.
started working.
atarted college at 1ge 18 and went to college full time to get my certification in business computer apps.
DOWNHILL
UFOs, Ghosts, and other stuff that people have seen when near me.
ask me anything.
ask me about what it was like in the 80's and 90's and the arcade and music scene
do a walkthrough or drive about and get some one on one audio.
describe the breakdowns,
NO VIOLENCE
the damned show.
the trip to the coast
Listening to all the jam bands
*highlight: Loose Change & The Process, Area 707
*highlight: The Carter
*highlight Brahma Bull Music stores / Demon Lounge
* Highlight: Where i used to live when i was a kid.
*highlight: Poetry / maybe tape me at an open mic night performing "O Leviathan"???
wrap music fade to credits:
fin
copyright 2009
oliver mattson
Brainlick: Ninety Eight Dreams
or: Starting off Damned only to be left with some Loose Change leftover.
Synopsis: / Outline:
A BRIEF INTRO TO Alexander Maxim:
first concussion age 3
1st overdose: age 9
age 13 broke into warner lot in Burbank, got mugshots taken, crying like hell.
age 14 passed high school credits in 6 weeks.
started working.
atarted college at 1ge 18 and went to college full time to get my certification in business computer apps.
DOWNHILL
UFOs, Ghosts, and other stuff that people have seen when near me.
ask me anything.
ask me about what it was like in the 80's and 90's and the arcade and music scene
do a walkthrough or drive about and get some one on one audio.
describe the breakdowns,
NO VIOLENCE
the damned show.
the trip to the coast
Listening to all the jam bands
*highlight: Loose Change & The Process, Area 707
*highlight: The Carter
*highlight Brahma Bull Music stores / Demon Lounge
* Highlight: Where i used to live when i was a kid.
*highlight: Poetry / maybe tape me at an open mic night performing "O Leviathan"???
wrap music fade to credits:
fin
copyright 2009
oliver mattson
Friday, December 11, 2009
in the house - a tad bit of Haunts and Houses backstory- or story or sidestory.
Is there Anything in here that would like to communicate with us??? Is there something you'd like us to know? Make a sound or move something so that we know that you're here.
THUD
... thump.
ait appeard a if a finger had hit the dusty mirror, it was hard to tell with dimming flashlights and dying lightsticks though...
G. A.
...
M...
E....
GAME...
the finger or fingers were writing out a word....
then a question mark
?
YES, we said... in different timings all of us eyeballing the dusty mirror in the dark dark house.
then came PAPER
then PEN.
then RULER
we had a paper bag we tore it up and layed it out long ways on the floor by the mirror.
we found a couple of ball points and a number 2 ticonderoga which my lockblade whittled a quick point on in a jiffy. we placed them on the floor by the mirror as well.
then the word that came next spooked the heck out of all of us.
DIE.
YOU want US to die?
I asked the entity that was writing on the mirror.
NO
it wrote back.
D I
C E.
Dice, it wanted Dice.
We had none.
W ...
A.
I.
T.
just then out of the corner of our earshot, we heard a rustling in a cuboard or cabinet or closet.
thunk thunk
rattle.
thump... against the door.
i opened it up to find 2 dice. normal.
normal dice for board games, 6 siders, as some would call them. Not for playing craps, or monopoly, these semmed ... wierd. one was dark and the other not. the yellow-ish and off whitish one seemed to glow when we passed oer it with our lights., especially when i lit my lighter, little bits of red or orange would sparkle. They seemed like they were made of stone, or marble or a special glass.
The other was a creepy looking blackish blue-ish purple-ish red ish think that was the same size as the other, but felt heavier... for some reason than the other. Must be made from a different material.
maybe the off white yellow one was a special plastic and the dark one was made of stone.
too much analysis.
take dice back to mirror
just as i turned to face the hall towards the mirror and my fellow haunt hunters, a little stone fell down and hit the floor in the same area that i picked thew dice up at. it looked like a marble that had been squished. like one of those that people put in fish tanks. it was totally clear, with what looked like a gloss on it... three other stones fell down again, just as i was leaving to go back. the other ones looked like glass as well, marbles that had also been squished at the bottom. one was green and white, one was blue and white one was yellow orange.
i had the things... the dice and the funny little tokens, or stones. ... "ANYTHING ELSE?", i asked back to the closet looking at the floor where the items had appeared. silence.
as i approached my crew i quietly asked the group,,
"Anything else?",
"nope, just waiting for you. what happened with that noise? You okay?",
"yeah", i responded while looking down at and holding out the dice and stones. "I found these. Let's put them by the mirror and wait".
"okay", the group confirmed.
we looked at the mirror, looking into it for cross confirmation, or a glimmer of hope, or a hint about what we needed to do next, about what we were doing, about what was really going on.
we put the pieces together, and waited ....
and waited.
"what do we do now?", I asked the mirror.
no response.
"Wait some more, guys", it's probably out of energy if it just brught us these things and stuff, and after the writing.".
What do we do, then I pondered taking shifts waiting at the mirror. Possibly putting up voice recorders around the parmater and cameras triangulating on the mirror, and the pile of stuff that we thought would help whatever or who-ever it was that wanted to play this "game" with us.
"can we set up the recorders on this level or take shifts?", i asked. "No way", or lead tech said, looking down at the pile of stuff on the floor, "batteries are out, and we have to conserve, we can't even run out to the wagon to get more batts, we could use one recorder, but we need eyeballs and ears on it live, and a new lightstick with them, we're down on light power too. we can try to move around a little bit but, i consider going in 2 plus groups".
they aggreed,
can we get a mapping team on the upper floors, and take that pad with you in case you need to note stuff, make sure to take time readings when anything happens.
there were six or seven of us. It gets harder and harder as time goes on,even if i am young-ish, to keep track of people on these hunts. i think i might have sent of a couple of them on the lower areas of the house to get some voice recording tests and location data. more than four others around me is hard to deal with from time to time. They call it "post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD"... I call it what the old soldiers would have called it, and still call it, "Shell Shock".
-tbc-
-om-
12 11 2009 738am
THUD
... thump.
ait appeard a if a finger had hit the dusty mirror, it was hard to tell with dimming flashlights and dying lightsticks though...
G. A.
...
M...
E....
GAME...
the finger or fingers were writing out a word....
then a question mark
?
YES, we said... in different timings all of us eyeballing the dusty mirror in the dark dark house.
then came PAPER
then PEN.
then RULER
we had a paper bag we tore it up and layed it out long ways on the floor by the mirror.
we found a couple of ball points and a number 2 ticonderoga which my lockblade whittled a quick point on in a jiffy. we placed them on the floor by the mirror as well.
then the word that came next spooked the heck out of all of us.
DIE.
YOU want US to die?
I asked the entity that was writing on the mirror.
NO
it wrote back.
D I
C E.
Dice, it wanted Dice.
We had none.
W ...
A.
I.
T.
just then out of the corner of our earshot, we heard a rustling in a cuboard or cabinet or closet.
thunk thunk
rattle.
thump... against the door.
i opened it up to find 2 dice. normal.
normal dice for board games, 6 siders, as some would call them. Not for playing craps, or monopoly, these semmed ... wierd. one was dark and the other not. the yellow-ish and off whitish one seemed to glow when we passed oer it with our lights., especially when i lit my lighter, little bits of red or orange would sparkle. They seemed like they were made of stone, or marble or a special glass.
The other was a creepy looking blackish blue-ish purple-ish red ish think that was the same size as the other, but felt heavier... for some reason than the other. Must be made from a different material.
maybe the off white yellow one was a special plastic and the dark one was made of stone.
too much analysis.
take dice back to mirror
just as i turned to face the hall towards the mirror and my fellow haunt hunters, a little stone fell down and hit the floor in the same area that i picked thew dice up at. it looked like a marble that had been squished. like one of those that people put in fish tanks. it was totally clear, with what looked like a gloss on it... three other stones fell down again, just as i was leaving to go back. the other ones looked like glass as well, marbles that had also been squished at the bottom. one was green and white, one was blue and white one was yellow orange.
i had the things... the dice and the funny little tokens, or stones. ... "ANYTHING ELSE?", i asked back to the closet looking at the floor where the items had appeared. silence.
as i approached my crew i quietly asked the group,,
"Anything else?",
"nope, just waiting for you. what happened with that noise? You okay?",
"yeah", i responded while looking down at and holding out the dice and stones. "I found these. Let's put them by the mirror and wait".
"okay", the group confirmed.
we looked at the mirror, looking into it for cross confirmation, or a glimmer of hope, or a hint about what we needed to do next, about what we were doing, about what was really going on.
we put the pieces together, and waited ....
and waited.
"what do we do now?", I asked the mirror.
no response.
"Wait some more, guys", it's probably out of energy if it just brught us these things and stuff, and after the writing.".
What do we do, then I pondered taking shifts waiting at the mirror. Possibly putting up voice recorders around the parmater and cameras triangulating on the mirror, and the pile of stuff that we thought would help whatever or who-ever it was that wanted to play this "game" with us.
"can we set up the recorders on this level or take shifts?", i asked. "No way", or lead tech said, looking down at the pile of stuff on the floor, "batteries are out, and we have to conserve, we can't even run out to the wagon to get more batts, we could use one recorder, but we need eyeballs and ears on it live, and a new lightstick with them, we're down on light power too. we can try to move around a little bit but, i consider going in 2 plus groups".
they aggreed,
can we get a mapping team on the upper floors, and take that pad with you in case you need to note stuff, make sure to take time readings when anything happens.
there were six or seven of us. It gets harder and harder as time goes on,even if i am young-ish, to keep track of people on these hunts. i think i might have sent of a couple of them on the lower areas of the house to get some voice recording tests and location data. more than four others around me is hard to deal with from time to time. They call it "post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD"... I call it what the old soldiers would have called it, and still call it, "Shell Shock".
-tbc-
-om-
12 11 2009 738am
Thursday, December 10, 2009
am i a geek?
i don't think so.
Do I own a Stormtrooper suit? No
Do I speak Klingon? No. Roddenberry was rad, great franchise, and all, but, no, no Klingon.
Do I read archives of music notes, and research? Yes.
Golly jee have starry eyes anymore for any musicians, actors, and or celebrities? Not really, that urge to dump that kind of energy into anybody else at all without some wonderful or devious return on investment, to me seems... i dunno, meh. Is it too late for me? I don't know. Have I lost the urge to dress up as a fave character from a game or Anime. kind of. i miss liking things "more", than i do now. some people say that depression and trauma can do that to people. doop doop dooop. i dunno, i'm starting to "enjoy", stuff, again, but it isn't the same blind and boundless faith and energy going bonko balls out forward head over heels into being a fan of anything. It's a new way. A valid one. No more mad at my head. No letting the little one think first. Dress Pretty, Be smart.
Do I own a Stormtrooper suit? No
Do I speak Klingon? No. Roddenberry was rad, great franchise, and all, but, no, no Klingon.
Do I read archives of music notes, and research? Yes.
Golly jee have starry eyes anymore for any musicians, actors, and or celebrities? Not really, that urge to dump that kind of energy into anybody else at all without some wonderful or devious return on investment, to me seems... i dunno, meh. Is it too late for me? I don't know. Have I lost the urge to dress up as a fave character from a game or Anime. kind of. i miss liking things "more", than i do now. some people say that depression and trauma can do that to people. doop doop dooop. i dunno, i'm starting to "enjoy", stuff, again, but it isn't the same blind and boundless faith and energy going bonko balls out forward head over heels into being a fan of anything. It's a new way. A valid one. No more mad at my head. No letting the little one think first. Dress Pretty, Be smart.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
speeding ticket one... or, wait, was that number one ... ??
Speeding Tickets: 1998, on way to willits picked up hippie with binder full of sheets of acid, he said to drive mellow, but i was wanting to get to the head shop before the mofo closed. Police Person Pulled Me over. Hippie is panicking. Hippie Is tripping. Im stone cold calm. Cucumber, Man. Stone Cold Sober and stne cold mad. He's freking out. he's sweating, copy paste standard words from cop: You were ging a bit fast blah blah blah... just give me the damn ticket before you look in the fried out eyeballs of my hitchhiker. Yes, Officier, everything's fine, everythings groovy, we're up to no bad tonite. ALL I WANTED WAS A NEW EFFING PIPE. instead, i made sure that i got this sonofabitch to his safehouse before getting arrested and heading on my merry way, out the door, to the close up head shop. joy of joys. NOT. the only solace i found that night was slugging back a couple forties out by low gap park and finding a couple joints of some decent brown that crept up real good on the beer. The clouds came in quick that night, and as the kicks rode in my body, and the drugs rode high into my brains, i knew that the two entities... ME and "The System", were on different pages.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
one lost decade - lyrics by oliver mattson (c) 2009 - large type for stage use
one lost decade
OUT SOURCE THIS AND OUTSOURCE THAT
MAKES EVERYBODY ELSE BETTER AND YOU CAN'T FEED YOUR OWN BRATS.
GOTTA GO TO CHINA MAN BUY ME A LAMP
GOTTA FEED OUR OWN KIDS ON DAMNED FOOD STAMPS
LIVIN' ON THE SKIDS OVERSPECAILIZED
A BUNCHA MY HOPES KINDA UP AND DIED
BUT THEY CHANGE
NOTHIN EVER NOTHIN EVER GOES
THE SAME
I WANNA FORTY COUNTRY CLUB I WANT TO FEEL THAT HEAT,
BUT IM
BROKE
BROKE AS A SPOKE
SO i PUT MY BABY ON THE STREET.
BAKED POFUCKIN TATO
IT AINT IT AINT DONE QUITE YET
TO HELLL WITH THAT
GONNA GO AND START SOME SHIT ON THE INTERNET
(*)OUT SOURCE ME.
OUT SOURCE ME.
PUT ME OUT OR LEAVE ME BE. (2 TIMES)
SO I GUESS IT'S,
GOOD NITE AMERICA HOW WERE YOU?
DON'T YOU KNOW YOU WERE SO GRAND?
NOW YOU LOST CONTROL
YOU GONE AND SOLD YOUR SOUL
NOW EVERYTHING NEW AROUND US IS FROM CHINA OR JAPAN.
CORPORATE GREED AND LOBBYISTS
WHO CARES WHEN WE RAISE OUR FISTS
THEY SAY,
HEY WE PASSED THE STIMULUS
THEY SAY
HEY WE PASSED THE HEALTH CARE BILL
THEY SAY WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT DRUG LAW REFORM
AS LONG AS MORE GET KIILED
AND THAT WAR MACHINE KEEPS A ROLLING ON
CAN YOU HEAR THE BOOTS?
CAN YOU HEAR THE ROBBERIES?
AND THE LOSSES FROM THE LOOTS?
COME ON HONEY OUTSOURCE ME COME ON HONEY OUTSOURCE ME.
CAN THEY AFFORD THEIR WEAPONS AND TO MAKE THEM I.E.D.'S
IF WE LEGALIZED OUR OPIUM AND LEGALIZED OUR WEED?
THEY SAY YOU CAN'T GET HIGH THEY SAY DRUGS ARE BAD
THE REAPER'S MAKING MONEY HERE,
AN' ISN'T THAT SAD?
WHY CAN'T THEY HAVE PLACES WHERE PEOPLE CAN CHILL AND TOKE?
THIS OLD BAR SCENE IS GETTING TO BE A JOKE.
keep it the same
we've all gone insane
keep it the same
we're already insane
keep it the same
keep it the same
keep it the
same.
i
could
care
not.
internet internet nightmare was a dream.
try looking around if you want, but nothing's what it seems.
OUT SOURCE THIS AND OUTSOURCE THAT
MAKES EVERYBODY ELSE BETTER AND YOU CAN'T FEED YOUR OWN BRATS.
GOTTA GO TO CHINA MAN BUY ME A LAMP
GOTTA FEED OUR OWN KIDS ON DAMNED FOOD STAMPS
LIVIN' ON THE SKIDS OVERSPECAILIZED
A BUNCHA MY HOPES KINDA UP AND DIED
BUT THEY CHANGE
NOTHIN EVER NOTHIN EVER GOES
THE SAME
I WANNA FORTY COUNTRY CLUB I WANT TO FEEL THAT HEAT,
BUT IM
BROKE
BROKE AS A SPOKE
SO i PUT MY BABY ON THE STREET.
BAKED POFUCKIN TATO
IT AINT IT AINT DONE QUITE YET
TO HELLL WITH THAT
GONNA GO AND START SOME SHIT ON THE INTERNET
(*)OUT SOURCE ME.
OUT SOURCE ME.
PUT ME OUT OR LEAVE ME BE. (2 TIMES)
SO I GUESS IT'S,
GOOD NITE AMERICA HOW WERE YOU?
DON'T YOU KNOW YOU WERE SO GRAND?
NOW YOU LOST CONTROL
YOU GONE AND SOLD YOUR SOUL
NOW EVERYTHING NEW AROUND US IS FROM CHINA OR JAPAN.
CORPORATE GREED AND LOBBYISTS
WHO CARES WHEN WE RAISE OUR FISTS
THEY SAY,
HEY WE PASSED THE STIMULUS
THEY SAY
HEY WE PASSED THE HEALTH CARE BILL
THEY SAY WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT DRUG LAW REFORM
AS LONG AS MORE GET KIILED
AND THAT WAR MACHINE KEEPS A ROLLING ON
CAN YOU HEAR THE BOOTS?
CAN YOU HEAR THE ROBBERIES?
AND THE LOSSES FROM THE LOOTS?
COME ON HONEY OUTSOURCE ME COME ON HONEY OUTSOURCE ME.
CAN THEY AFFORD THEIR WEAPONS AND TO MAKE THEM I.E.D.'S
IF WE LEGALIZED OUR OPIUM AND LEGALIZED OUR WEED?
THEY SAY YOU CAN'T GET HIGH THEY SAY DRUGS ARE BAD
THE REAPER'S MAKING MONEY HERE,
AN' ISN'T THAT SAD?
WHY CAN'T THEY HAVE PLACES WHERE PEOPLE CAN CHILL AND TOKE?
THIS OLD BAR SCENE IS GETTING TO BE A JOKE.
keep it the same
we've all gone insane
keep it the same
we're already insane
keep it the same
keep it the same
keep it the
same.
i
could
care
not.
internet internet nightmare was a dream.
try looking around if you want, but nothing's what it seems.
Friday, November 27, 2009
... i don't know how.
ERIC:
"YOU SHOULDN't BE TELLING ME THIS, ALEX, God Damnit, You've just not only blow n your cover, you've disgusted me, and put our freindship at what i can honestly say is an unerstatement .. in a STRANGE Spot-"
ALEX:
"well, shit always comes out in the wash, man... ", alex said in a somewhat bubbly and off tempo voice.
ERIC:
"are you doing ok?, man, How fucked up are you... you on pills again?"
ALEX:
YES, Slightly and Yes, I mean i don't know, after the first gallon or two i tend to get a little ... wierd, you know that, captain flyboy".
ERIC:
Stop calling me that, you asshole, you could be up in the air too, had you just go to rehab and stop this constant crap. But of course, you can' just stand up for yourself and tell that lying cheating slut of a QUOTE Unquote WIFE of yours to leave and move into her QUOTE UNQUOTE friend of hers' house, who is actually your old band mate, because you've never made her happy, and she just wants to make your life a living hell till your dead, then a couple months after because your MOM, who your take care of too, has a heart condition and can't do much ... DAMNIT MAN, why can't your brain just wake up and fly right. You used to be the best... the best man, the best 8bit hacker and trafficking assistant that we ever had. How much money did you pull in that one night from when you ISO-Retracked those phone numbers in Turkey for us to get the hash out. Three Thousand Dollars... for what 16 minutes of work? I can't even make that in a day, and I'm the boss of this ...company.
ALEX:
WHY Are you yelling at me, many, why are you doing this to me??? You know I can't just up and leave.
ERIC:
Because, No one else is doing it, are they? Who else is doing it for you, or to you. You can't get laid because you're always so trashed that every girl you bump into thinks you're a FUCKING CARTOON walking, and a punch line to many to many jokes about "Alexander Bam Hell", and whatnot, It isn't fun anymore, it isn't funny... it's bad. It's sad. Why do you want to release a filthy book like "BrainDrips", it's sad as heck... No one, especially your friends and family nor anyone that has an OUNCE of respect would like to read. TRIM IT DOWN, cut out the beatings, make it happy.
ALEX:
NO WAY, it'll take out the reality, the "true GONZO of it", ... but... (alex sighs), yeah, you're right, I shouldn't have it be all ... yucky and shit. I should cal;l my agent again and tell them that I have to red pen some...
-before Alex can continue, he is cut off by ERIC
ERIC:
DO IT, fire up that damned Windows machine fucking PC and DO it, dammit man, YOU have no reason to sit there, NO reason why you aren't on and ISLAND once in a while like me, why you're not experiencing LIFE isntead of sitting there on your ass and getting as drunk as fuck in YOUR MOM'S HOUSE, BREAKING YOUR MOM's SHIT, NOT SATISFYING YOUR OWN LADY, Pissing off your income, stopping all the research that you did, tossing your education to the gutter, along with your piss and all the broken glass and god knows what else, weapons, money... SONOFABITCH. Why don't you just get straight. You don't have to live and write like this, it's not only dangerous, it's stupid. I mean, fuck, I'm scared. I'm frightened for you , man. Please stop it. Sleep, Food, Exercise, It's gonna hurt like hell, especailly for you. How long have you been drinking?
ALEX:
82 or 83 so. Knew how to rolla jay by age eight, knew how to lick pussy at age eight too.
ERIC:
Dear God, Man. WHAT, why didn't you go to High School, that's right, you got picked on a lot... Same like now, huh? Why do you think that?
ALEX:
Because I'm too fucked up.
ERIC:
Bing-Go, kid, you just got the 65,000 dollar question, and you won.
ALEX:
Whoah"
ERIC:
Yeah, how are they supposed to repect or even deal with a sonofabitch who is perpetually blitzed on some substance or another. Your depression is your main addiction, the other one is your gullability, your blind faith in a candy coated bright plastic toy game world is SHIT. You're lying to yourself to heal the wounds that you perpetually tear open when the scabs begin to set in. Your thinking isn't good, kiddo. You didn't get laid, even though there were chances hitting you like machine gun rounds. You've turned down more leg than I can even comprehend, probably. WHY did you feel that you couldn't screw? All you had to do was be honest and say, hey, I'M a VIRGIN, HELP ME, please, and they would have been on your ass like stink ON shit, kiddo. STOP BEING SO SHY, You're not demure, you're not a classy english gentleman who like to play hard to get, You're a Hell's Angel's Kid, you were born in L.A., Stop being a douche. You don't have to be Johnny Badass, or captain wastoid anymore. You did the thing with the drugs, and ... You died. You tried drinking like fuck... You died. It's a fucking Miricale that you're here right now, DO YOU KNOW THAT? Why don't you start living like it's important.
ALEX:
You Don't know what it's like!
You don't know what it's like to be bullied basicall by every one that you know, and punked and bitched at and picked on and made fun of. EVERY TIME I go to he BAR I GET CALLED GAY, and
-interrupt -
ERIC:
SHUT UP. We're all Different. No , you're NOT In a band, No, You're Not Metal, You're Not Punk, You're NOT 14 anymore, You're NOT Ten. You're 33. Thirty Fucking Three man. How does that make you feel? What have you done? Where's your prize? Why don't you catch that brass ring? Have you still got a book to write poems IN? Can you write some Nice ones? Possibly?
ALEX:
I DON'T Know HOW.
ERIC:
What about that one thing that's been haunting your dreams for the last effing DECADE, can you write about that? OR do something with it??? Or... Something? You do know how. If you forgot how, you can learn it again. Just like a bag of weed, just get another one and get rollin'. Everyone know you're one of the most talented writers we know, and no one can tell your story like you could. Let's just let it be the RIGHT STORIES, okay? How much money do you have, right now?
ALEX:
55 cents. 12 bux on the ATM, I'm not sure. Why do you want to know that?
ERIC:
Well, you could get some music together and a new ebook, put it in word fromat or PDF and get it into the Library Of Congress, get serious, get a website done, eat some food and STOP pilling it up becasue WAHHH IM SO SAD, I'M LONELY WAHHH, It's old, and it's stupid as hell, and no one is going to take it. People Are very Weary of you. You've become more af a liability than an Investment. The World is looking at you and the THINGS YOU DO, and they are looking down on you. Your shenanigans have cast you into a frame from which will be dare i say... difficult to get out of. But I beleive in you, and I know You can do it. I've seen you do it before. You were sharp, like a razor blade, or one of those exactos you like doodling on your arms with so much.
ALEX:
Stop. Just give me a break.
ERIC:
How long of a break. What if I just stop calling you to check in. What if that happens? Why don't you ask yourself how much more of a break you need. How much more time do you have to lie to yourself and tell yourself everything's cool when it's absolute shit, how much more time do you need to get so fucked up that you black out and do shit you'll get beat up and or killed from. You are the one who not only has to ask that question to yourself, but also has to answer it... TO YOURSELF. You're the pistol, the bullet, the trigger and the action iteslf, the target, even is you. Your patience will be tried and your thought will be tormented, your brain will burn like fire, but you'll be ALIVE. is that good enough? IS that good Enough For you? Ask Yourself. Holidays are here. What have you got to be thankful for? Thanksgiving. Are you thankful for being alive? Do you want to be a zombie for the rest of your life?
ALEX:
Yes. Of course I'm thankful I'm just... I dunno. slumpy or kind of down. (pause)
It hurts.
ERIC:
It isn't gonna be easy, especially not for you. But i think you'll make it. Try Jogging when you move outta that place and get to a place that you can do that in. Stop getting plastercated and doing stupid shit. Try artwork If you want to do stupid shit. If it makes you smile, DO IT, when you're out doing all those crzy things, why not DO CRAZY art work.
ALEX:
NO ONE LIKES ART HERE, NO ONE READS HERE< I DON"T KNOW IF I'LL BE ACCEPTED ANYWHERE BECASUE I'VE FUCKED UP TOO MUCH.
ERIC:
JUST Do it for doing it's sake. It will become clear why when the time is right. Even if you don't release it to the public, get your batches of expression together, compile them, classify them as collections or compilations if they are more than one media, follow the rules, it's only 35 bucks man, and it's protected It's yours and protected. Better than your sex life.
ALEX:
Okay, fuck it, I'm calling a shrink and a Health Club. I'm sick of this.
Gotta go, man.-
-TBC-
12:25pm 11/27/09
-om
"YOU SHOULDN't BE TELLING ME THIS, ALEX, God Damnit, You've just not only blow n your cover, you've disgusted me, and put our freindship at what i can honestly say is an unerstatement .. in a STRANGE Spot-"
ALEX:
"well, shit always comes out in the wash, man... ", alex said in a somewhat bubbly and off tempo voice.
ERIC:
"are you doing ok?, man, How fucked up are you... you on pills again?"
ALEX:
YES, Slightly and Yes, I mean i don't know, after the first gallon or two i tend to get a little ... wierd, you know that, captain flyboy".
ERIC:
Stop calling me that, you asshole, you could be up in the air too, had you just go to rehab and stop this constant crap. But of course, you can' just stand up for yourself and tell that lying cheating slut of a QUOTE Unquote WIFE of yours to leave and move into her QUOTE UNQUOTE friend of hers' house, who is actually your old band mate, because you've never made her happy, and she just wants to make your life a living hell till your dead, then a couple months after because your MOM, who your take care of too, has a heart condition and can't do much ... DAMNIT MAN, why can't your brain just wake up and fly right. You used to be the best... the best man, the best 8bit hacker and trafficking assistant that we ever had. How much money did you pull in that one night from when you ISO-Retracked those phone numbers in Turkey for us to get the hash out. Three Thousand Dollars... for what 16 minutes of work? I can't even make that in a day, and I'm the boss of this ...company.
ALEX:
WHY Are you yelling at me, many, why are you doing this to me??? You know I can't just up and leave.
ERIC:
Because, No one else is doing it, are they? Who else is doing it for you, or to you. You can't get laid because you're always so trashed that every girl you bump into thinks you're a FUCKING CARTOON walking, and a punch line to many to many jokes about "Alexander Bam Hell", and whatnot, It isn't fun anymore, it isn't funny... it's bad. It's sad. Why do you want to release a filthy book like "BrainDrips", it's sad as heck... No one, especially your friends and family nor anyone that has an OUNCE of respect would like to read. TRIM IT DOWN, cut out the beatings, make it happy.
ALEX:
NO WAY, it'll take out the reality, the "true GONZO of it", ... but... (alex sighs), yeah, you're right, I shouldn't have it be all ... yucky and shit. I should cal;l my agent again and tell them that I have to red pen some...
-before Alex can continue, he is cut off by ERIC
ERIC:
DO IT, fire up that damned Windows machine fucking PC and DO it, dammit man, YOU have no reason to sit there, NO reason why you aren't on and ISLAND once in a while like me, why you're not experiencing LIFE isntead of sitting there on your ass and getting as drunk as fuck in YOUR MOM'S HOUSE, BREAKING YOUR MOM's SHIT, NOT SATISFYING YOUR OWN LADY, Pissing off your income, stopping all the research that you did, tossing your education to the gutter, along with your piss and all the broken glass and god knows what else, weapons, money... SONOFABITCH. Why don't you just get straight. You don't have to live and write like this, it's not only dangerous, it's stupid. I mean, fuck, I'm scared. I'm frightened for you , man. Please stop it. Sleep, Food, Exercise, It's gonna hurt like hell, especailly for you. How long have you been drinking?
ALEX:
82 or 83 so. Knew how to rolla jay by age eight, knew how to lick pussy at age eight too.
ERIC:
Dear God, Man. WHAT, why didn't you go to High School, that's right, you got picked on a lot... Same like now, huh? Why do you think that?
ALEX:
Because I'm too fucked up.
ERIC:
Bing-Go, kid, you just got the 65,000 dollar question, and you won.
ALEX:
Whoah"
ERIC:
Yeah, how are they supposed to repect or even deal with a sonofabitch who is perpetually blitzed on some substance or another. Your depression is your main addiction, the other one is your gullability, your blind faith in a candy coated bright plastic toy game world is SHIT. You're lying to yourself to heal the wounds that you perpetually tear open when the scabs begin to set in. Your thinking isn't good, kiddo. You didn't get laid, even though there were chances hitting you like machine gun rounds. You've turned down more leg than I can even comprehend, probably. WHY did you feel that you couldn't screw? All you had to do was be honest and say, hey, I'M a VIRGIN, HELP ME, please, and they would have been on your ass like stink ON shit, kiddo. STOP BEING SO SHY, You're not demure, you're not a classy english gentleman who like to play hard to get, You're a Hell's Angel's Kid, you were born in L.A., Stop being a douche. You don't have to be Johnny Badass, or captain wastoid anymore. You did the thing with the drugs, and ... You died. You tried drinking like fuck... You died. It's a fucking Miricale that you're here right now, DO YOU KNOW THAT? Why don't you start living like it's important.
ALEX:
You Don't know what it's like!
You don't know what it's like to be bullied basicall by every one that you know, and punked and bitched at and picked on and made fun of. EVERY TIME I go to he BAR I GET CALLED GAY, and
-interrupt -
ERIC:
SHUT UP. We're all Different. No , you're NOT In a band, No, You're Not Metal, You're Not Punk, You're NOT 14 anymore, You're NOT Ten. You're 33. Thirty Fucking Three man. How does that make you feel? What have you done? Where's your prize? Why don't you catch that brass ring? Have you still got a book to write poems IN? Can you write some Nice ones? Possibly?
ALEX:
I DON'T Know HOW.
ERIC:
What about that one thing that's been haunting your dreams for the last effing DECADE, can you write about that? OR do something with it??? Or... Something? You do know how. If you forgot how, you can learn it again. Just like a bag of weed, just get another one and get rollin'. Everyone know you're one of the most talented writers we know, and no one can tell your story like you could. Let's just let it be the RIGHT STORIES, okay? How much money do you have, right now?
ALEX:
55 cents. 12 bux on the ATM, I'm not sure. Why do you want to know that?
ERIC:
Well, you could get some music together and a new ebook, put it in word fromat or PDF and get it into the Library Of Congress, get serious, get a website done, eat some food and STOP pilling it up becasue WAHHH IM SO SAD, I'M LONELY WAHHH, It's old, and it's stupid as hell, and no one is going to take it. People Are very Weary of you. You've become more af a liability than an Investment. The World is looking at you and the THINGS YOU DO, and they are looking down on you. Your shenanigans have cast you into a frame from which will be dare i say... difficult to get out of. But I beleive in you, and I know You can do it. I've seen you do it before. You were sharp, like a razor blade, or one of those exactos you like doodling on your arms with so much.
ALEX:
Stop. Just give me a break.
ERIC:
How long of a break. What if I just stop calling you to check in. What if that happens? Why don't you ask yourself how much more of a break you need. How much more time do you have to lie to yourself and tell yourself everything's cool when it's absolute shit, how much more time do you need to get so fucked up that you black out and do shit you'll get beat up and or killed from. You are the one who not only has to ask that question to yourself, but also has to answer it... TO YOURSELF. You're the pistol, the bullet, the trigger and the action iteslf, the target, even is you. Your patience will be tried and your thought will be tormented, your brain will burn like fire, but you'll be ALIVE. is that good enough? IS that good Enough For you? Ask Yourself. Holidays are here. What have you got to be thankful for? Thanksgiving. Are you thankful for being alive? Do you want to be a zombie for the rest of your life?
ALEX:
Yes. Of course I'm thankful I'm just... I dunno. slumpy or kind of down. (pause)
It hurts.
ERIC:
It isn't gonna be easy, especially not for you. But i think you'll make it. Try Jogging when you move outta that place and get to a place that you can do that in. Stop getting plastercated and doing stupid shit. Try artwork If you want to do stupid shit. If it makes you smile, DO IT, when you're out doing all those crzy things, why not DO CRAZY art work.
ALEX:
NO ONE LIKES ART HERE, NO ONE READS HERE< I DON"T KNOW IF I'LL BE ACCEPTED ANYWHERE BECASUE I'VE FUCKED UP TOO MUCH.
ERIC:
JUST Do it for doing it's sake. It will become clear why when the time is right. Even if you don't release it to the public, get your batches of expression together, compile them, classify them as collections or compilations if they are more than one media, follow the rules, it's only 35 bucks man, and it's protected It's yours and protected. Better than your sex life.
ALEX:
Okay, fuck it, I'm calling a shrink and a Health Club. I'm sick of this.
Gotta go, man.-
-TBC-
12:25pm 11/27/09
-om
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
THX LIVESTREAMAERS-
Tonight, I'd like to post a sincere thanks to the people who stream stuff late at nite and help to keep me company when i'm lonesome.
you people kick ass.
keep the fires burning, people.
you people kick ass.
keep the fires burning, people.
November, 16, 1998
11 years ago was a different time.
No
A superbly different time.
The Traditional music store hadn't been shot in the face like rock had been after 1994. The commercial grounds were there, lines of distributionn, and what some people called "the scene", was deteriorating like an inravelling like a randomly aimed and boundless yo-yo on an overwound string.
Shock Rock hadn't been worn out yet, Marylin Manson's reign was wearing down and punk's 4th wave was still at a peak point, but it was ... fascinating at least to watch it from the sidelines of $5 a ticket shows, keggers and gatherings, jam sessions
-tbc-
11 years ago was a different time.
No
A superbly different time.
The Traditional music store hadn't been shot in the face like rock had been after 1994. The commercial grounds were there, lines of distributionn, and what some people called "the scene", was deteriorating like an inravelling like a randomly aimed and boundless yo-yo on an overwound string.
Shock Rock hadn't been worn out yet, Marylin Manson's reign was wearing down and punk's 4th wave was still at a peak point, but it was ... fascinating at least to watch it from the sidelines of $5 a ticket shows, keggers and gatherings, jam sessions
-tbc-
hey moon - a poem or song
Hey Moon,
Ah, Whatcha, up there doin'?
Hey Moon,
Have we got trouble brewin'?
And When she leaves tonight,
will the ground be so bright,
shine down your shining rays
hey moon.
i'm lookin' up at you
i hope you're lookin' at me too
hey moon,
just make her go awayayy
hey moon,
shine your sof light down on me-ee
hey moon
when do ya think i may be free-ee
but maybe i should just ask my self
and not ask no one else
'cause only my eyes are the ones that see
hey moon
you're lookin'
hey moon
you're lookin' all right to me.
Ah, Whatcha, up there doin'?
Hey Moon,
Have we got trouble brewin'?
And When she leaves tonight,
will the ground be so bright,
shine down your shining rays
hey moon.
i'm lookin' up at you
i hope you're lookin' at me too
hey moon,
just make her go awayayy
hey moon,
shine your sof light down on me-ee
hey moon
when do ya think i may be free-ee
but maybe i should just ask my self
and not ask no one else
'cause only my eyes are the ones that see
hey moon
you're lookin'
hey moon
you're lookin' all right to me.
I ran a scenario last nite, in Zydes.
It was amazing. The amount of leveling up i had to do to obtain it was slow and rigorous.
My depression kicked in like hell last week and i got bent. Frayed. Eight pages in, man.
I ran one through, called "Baltimorium", in this scenario your play as Edgar Allen Poe's ghost, who is running through a cemetery, to deliver a rose to the grave a fallen lover, Annabelle Lee,
I used a simple "track layout" style of thing... Perhaps Use Zydes Grid For cemetery??
had lots written down here, draft got erased due to fvkcing computer lockup.
Run through was successful... a tad fast though, need things inside of more stuff. a simple run through and won.
*Make Points pools acessible from player and entity not independent.
*maybe not get 10 points for getting rose ... ???
* was 10 points too much for cemetery ghost ?
*did it last too long...?? should there be more happening? if so what???
*do we make more encounters?? WHAT KIND??
-Envirommental??
-VISIBLE
-MENTAL
-TACTILE
-AUDIBLE
-/??????
*PUT IN MORE "IF THENS" TO EXTEND THE STORY - IE:
If the ghosts fear points you are having issues with goes to zero and go back to the gate... EXTEND THE JOURNEY??? Perhaps????
*HAVE Annabelle Lee's spirit join Edgar On a journey????
(multi member team management
Make it more than one "ACT", or level, let it play out like a movie?? OR VIDEO HGAME, NOT JUST A CEMETERY WALK????
THE WALK BACK HOME???
THE visit to the writers small home.
*point counters cwould be very good at this point, or an abacus or automated assistance unit.
TAKE POE ON AN INTERGALACTIC RIDE...
NO HOLDS BARRED THIS IS MY RING - I CALL THE PIN OUTS.
USE THE
FLOOR or "Flat Level" Indicator as floor level indicators, then as indicators for starship placement.
WOOOHOOOO!!!!
It was amazing. The amount of leveling up i had to do to obtain it was slow and rigorous.
My depression kicked in like hell last week and i got bent. Frayed. Eight pages in, man.
I ran one through, called "Baltimorium", in this scenario your play as Edgar Allen Poe's ghost, who is running through a cemetery, to deliver a rose to the grave a fallen lover, Annabelle Lee,
I used a simple "track layout" style of thing... Perhaps Use Zydes Grid For cemetery??
had lots written down here, draft got erased due to fvkcing computer lockup.
Run through was successful... a tad fast though, need things inside of more stuff. a simple run through and won.
*Make Points pools acessible from player and entity not independent.
*maybe not get 10 points for getting rose ... ???
* was 10 points too much for cemetery ghost ?
*did it last too long...?? should there be more happening? if so what???
*do we make more encounters?? WHAT KIND??
-Envirommental??
-VISIBLE
-MENTAL
-TACTILE
-AUDIBLE
-/??????
*PUT IN MORE "IF THENS" TO EXTEND THE STORY - IE:
If the ghosts fear points you are having issues with goes to zero and go back to the gate... EXTEND THE JOURNEY??? Perhaps????
*HAVE Annabelle Lee's spirit join Edgar On a journey????
(multi member team management
Make it more than one "ACT", or level, let it play out like a movie?? OR VIDEO HGAME, NOT JUST A CEMETERY WALK????
THE WALK BACK HOME???
THE visit to the writers small home.
*point counters cwould be very good at this point, or an abacus or automated assistance unit.
TAKE POE ON AN INTERGALACTIC RIDE...
NO HOLDS BARRED THIS IS MY RING - I CALL THE PIN OUTS.
USE THE
FLOOR or "Flat Level" Indicator as floor level indicators, then as indicators for starship placement.
WOOOHOOOO!!!!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
If we the People had a chance to speak our voices, we would have done things differently with the war, Health care, and that "bailout", that we supposedly said that we wanted to do. I don't remember voting for it. DO you remember Voting for IT? I don't. I may have been wasted. I can't stand reality. Nothing's the same anymore. I used to be able to walk into a record store and flip through albms and buy things in my hands. Record stores are being chopped up like campers at Crystal Lake Our Pain, in general is not a bondless one, but specified in many ways, and also a bit more grey and vague thne spcifin in some ways. A complex mess. How do we fight terror correctly? What do they rely on that we can deny them so that we can terminate them from the roots up. Has muslim readcalism grown beyond, no, has extremeism, gone beyond just recruitment camps and a brick and mortar strategy? I say yes, because, information is part of stucture, whether it's builting a shelf with instructions from a how to site, or how to assemble a group of activists together with certain goals in mind to do certain group actions. We need to see that thought is a weapon just like a bomb, gun or a plane.
Friday, November 13, 2009
WHAAAAAT
SO, I guess I'll make a free version of the game and the book and the frekaijn' album and stuuff as well as a pay version right off the bat.
people already stealin'
my shit
people already stealin'
my shit
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
why don't I play???
Pokemon??
Hard.
Magic The Gathering??
too many cards, the way to win is to buy up a lot of specialized cards = people with more money can get better cards and have a more powerful deck against players who do not have the money to buy the decks, and cards.
YU-GI-OH
I can't read teh teeny tiny type, why the hell would i want to read a condensed version of war and peace when i'm trying to play a fcking gaME.
Dungeons and Dragons, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons
-Too Long to start a game, need other people around, too many revisions to a base system and cost becomes an issue.
Hard.
Magic The Gathering??
too many cards, the way to win is to buy up a lot of specialized cards = people with more money can get better cards and have a more powerful deck against players who do not have the money to buy the decks, and cards.
YU-GI-OH
I can't read teh teeny tiny type, why the hell would i want to read a condensed version of war and peace when i'm trying to play a fcking gaME.
Dungeons and Dragons, Advanced Dungeons and Dragons
-Too Long to start a game, need other people around, too many revisions to a base system and cost becomes an issue.
srsly.... srsly.... wow.
1. Where are the Afghan, Iraqi, Pakastani, etc. people fighting violence in America and helping us? There is no balance. We are just fighting to fight.
2. If we legalize drugs here, and MAKE A CLAUSE that dictates that we GET OUR DRUGS LOCALLY, (Like make it so, within 20 miles of the user's home, the supply is locally and non illegally obtained. If they smoke weed, make them grow their own, this will differentiate moneys going to gangs, traffickers, and the Taliban and Al Qeada.
3. How many more times do i have to say this crap???
4. If you are in the military, and you know of someone that is an islamic person, or a muslim, or whatever, and they DON'T want to be THERE, LET THEM OUT. Let them out, we don't need any more death. Stop being so macho and tough and "WE GONNA WIN", that we can't let soldiers leave to live life the way they wish becasue of how much WE NEED that ONE SOLDIER (which are essentially action figures being played with by big bucks), to fight in a fight that we don't even need to be in. Islamic and Muslims are fighting old old fights that date back thousands and thousands of years. If you were having an argument or fight with your little brother over something that only you and your little brother (example), would know, and that no one else should know about nor be involved in (at least according to you), I'm sure that you wouldn't want to have them involved in your private stuff, but you might try to act, (both you and your brother), that you need the help, just to watch the person fall and falter and fail, and then stab them in the back when they are at their weakest, because they shouldn't have ever been there in the first place.
5. How much does it cost to legalize marijuana??? I don't know, a couple signatures, so ... the price of ink??? and some paper??? I Dont' know... I mean, we (the people), didn't even have to spend any money on the health care bill nor the "stimulus", thing that they did. Yaya, we saved our gas money, and the time that it takes to think for ourselves. Go ahaead, pass an all over legalization thing for pot, make opium alternatives from the base compound molecules, make methamphetamine alternatives, make cocaine alternatives, make ecstacy alternatives. Have the government flood the market, supply and demand are outweighing the risks. One of my business plans was to sell to the police force a plan for the building of a speakeasy and discount pot supply brokerage. This would enable the money to got straight into the hands of maybe the right people, but if it's not the right people, who cares.
2. If we legalize drugs here, and MAKE A CLAUSE that dictates that we GET OUR DRUGS LOCALLY, (Like make it so, within 20 miles of the user's home, the supply is locally and non illegally obtained. If they smoke weed, make them grow their own, this will differentiate moneys going to gangs, traffickers, and the Taliban and Al Qeada.
3. How many more times do i have to say this crap???
4. If you are in the military, and you know of someone that is an islamic person, or a muslim, or whatever, and they DON'T want to be THERE, LET THEM OUT. Let them out, we don't need any more death. Stop being so macho and tough and "WE GONNA WIN", that we can't let soldiers leave to live life the way they wish becasue of how much WE NEED that ONE SOLDIER (which are essentially action figures being played with by big bucks), to fight in a fight that we don't even need to be in. Islamic and Muslims are fighting old old fights that date back thousands and thousands of years. If you were having an argument or fight with your little brother over something that only you and your little brother (example), would know, and that no one else should know about nor be involved in (at least according to you), I'm sure that you wouldn't want to have them involved in your private stuff, but you might try to act, (both you and your brother), that you need the help, just to watch the person fall and falter and fail, and then stab them in the back when they are at their weakest, because they shouldn't have ever been there in the first place.
5. How much does it cost to legalize marijuana??? I don't know, a couple signatures, so ... the price of ink??? and some paper??? I Dont' know... I mean, we (the people), didn't even have to spend any money on the health care bill nor the "stimulus", thing that they did. Yaya, we saved our gas money, and the time that it takes to think for ourselves. Go ahaead, pass an all over legalization thing for pot, make opium alternatives from the base compound molecules, make methamphetamine alternatives, make cocaine alternatives, make ecstacy alternatives. Have the government flood the market, supply and demand are outweighing the risks. One of my business plans was to sell to the police force a plan for the building of a speakeasy and discount pot supply brokerage. This would enable the money to got straight into the hands of maybe the right people, but if it's not the right people, who cares.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Yay for creativity. Boo Gullability.
it helps keep me out of trouble.
knowing that they all hate me is better than living the lie that i have for too far long. No need to go out, get fucked up, and do bullshit or trip like hell anymore, though. Reason to eat good though, reason ro do art, reason to do music, reason to read more, reason to beat off and not chase these shady hater bitches. Reason to take the fields of regret down with the sickle of Possibility. Look noit bad back on those days, use the strength of the pain, every drop of blood, every tear, every step taken running around doing reckless, mindless things, the memories of all thosae lost dollars, all those pissed away dollars, and all those pointless drunken nights. Use every stitch from the torn away fibers of the healing heart. Steel covers and locking bolts made of diamond, fasteners and clasps made from rubies cast from the hottest of black fire. protection from the self's ignorance. Ignorance kills.
Thank you, Brainlick, I wish I never let go of you so long ago. I hope we can spend time together. Best Wishes, I don't want to forget you, anymore.
knowing that they all hate me is better than living the lie that i have for too far long. No need to go out, get fucked up, and do bullshit or trip like hell anymore, though. Reason to eat good though, reason ro do art, reason to do music, reason to read more, reason to beat off and not chase these shady hater bitches. Reason to take the fields of regret down with the sickle of Possibility. Look noit bad back on those days, use the strength of the pain, every drop of blood, every tear, every step taken running around doing reckless, mindless things, the memories of all thosae lost dollars, all those pissed away dollars, and all those pointless drunken nights. Use every stitch from the torn away fibers of the healing heart. Steel covers and locking bolts made of diamond, fasteners and clasps made from rubies cast from the hottest of black fire. protection from the self's ignorance. Ignorance kills.
Thank you, Brainlick, I wish I never let go of you so long ago. I hope we can spend time together. Best Wishes, I don't want to forget you, anymore.
-om-
09
-peace-
what's the politcally correct term for this?????? seriously/????
Howwwwdy, Pahd-Nah,
Sunday, Nov 8, 2009.
Anticipation... I dunno, a tad of apprehension, BINGO. No need to stop now tho, sadness and drama are cruddy fucker anchors that hold us back at bad ports. Laugh, don't cry. Cut down the fields of regret, or burn them and run, hard towards the setting sun blast forwards like lightning on strong strong coffee.
If, by any chance, you can't get laid while my wife is out of town, and you can't put your greasy fingers and greasy tongue and greasy cock all over in and on her, and you need me to help do you a favor by getting you over here and putting you on dating sites, and hooking you up with people to fuck and date and take advantage of, just like you did to us, i have a tad of an answer, for you, sir or madam or whatever the fuck you are:
Sunday, Nov 8, 2009.
Anticipation... I dunno, a tad of apprehension, BINGO. No need to stop now tho, sadness and drama are cruddy fucker anchors that hold us back at bad ports. Laugh, don't cry. Cut down the fields of regret, or burn them and run, hard towards the setting sun blast forwards like lightning on strong strong coffee.
If, by any chance, you can't get laid while my wife is out of town, and you can't put your greasy fingers and greasy tongue and greasy cock all over in and on her, and you need me to help do you a favor by getting you over here and putting you on dating sites, and hooking you up with people to fuck and date and take advantage of, just like you did to us, i have a tad of an answer, for you, sir or madam or whatever the fuck you are:
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Carpe Omnis
Balanced Artistic Representation in ALL genres of ART, MUSIC, FILM< MULTIMEDIA, Balance for all participants and persons who wish to enjoy these things. They are not just goods to be bought from stores, but these are things that we believe in and cherish and dream with. These are things that give us hope and strength and help us through tough times, of many types. Art and music and film and games keep our minds going. Literature and the arts need to be not only cared for but a renaissance should be called for to stimulate even the most independent of artists, to call for poems from the far these away of Poets, and sounds from the hardest to get to of musicians. The Internet is a grand tool. We, as a human race, must learn to use this incredibly strong tool, to not only link information at the touch of a button, but turn on minds, and liberate our very being. Taking the ink from the newspaper, and the record production from the radio stations and top 40 sausage factories requires not only a sense of true will, but also devotion, dedication, care and nurturing. Only then will we able to possibly say, "this is WORKING, Really working, and it's working well."
No labels wanna touch you?
Start your own.
No publishers will take your work?
Start your own.
Now is the time, for us... for me, anyway. Excalibur in my grasp and that stone is giving, I'm pulling this mofo outta that damn thing Right Effing Now.
Carpe Diem, Carpe De Noctem, Carpe Omnis
No labels wanna touch you?
Start your own.
No publishers will take your work?
Start your own.
Now is the time, for us... for me, anyway. Excalibur in my grasp and that stone is giving, I'm pulling this mofo outta that damn thing Right Effing Now.
Carpe Diem, Carpe De Noctem, Carpe Omnis
Thursday, October 29, 2009
rattler's rant oct 29 09
Well.
I reckon it's time for me to break it all down... for me anyways at least.
How do we fiz this???
I don't think that it's right.
I'm very upset that the girl that was gang raped might have been a rocker in Richmond. She was only 15. That sucks. I don't like mean things like rape and murder and violence and stuff. It seems stupid that people should have to force themselves on each other. Shouldn't we all be able to get sex by ourselves??? Is the way that we've deteriorated because of money and improper drug laws, as well as socio-economics and closed up brains, plastic and mean group thinking, and mob mentality???
Gosh this seems so big to be able to fathom.
Why can't we have nice things???
Money, power and rotten morals... why even say that, i mean, people are whores. people are sluts. the internet is a meat market. There's porn for every single type of fetish out there. If your fetish isn't covered, yours will be copied, and then copied again, and parodied, and crossed up with some other fetish, and then re-fed to you in some other form that you don't even know.
Money & SOCIAL CRAP: A NOTE - 1 dash A.
WHY ARE ROCKERS A MINORITY???? Popularity Contest?? WHY IS THIS SHIT STILL HAPPENING????
a - MONEY-
b - social structures vs. labeling and anger
c. - genrefication
c. Kurt Cobain made rock look like shit.
d. Imbalance between artistic and non artistic entities as well as inteelctuals being treted the way they do.
BLAH BLAH BLAH bunch of shit that i can't do shit about BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH.
-ob-
I reckon it's time for me to break it all down... for me anyways at least.
How do we fiz this???
I don't think that it's right.
I'm very upset that the girl that was gang raped might have been a rocker in Richmond. She was only 15. That sucks. I don't like mean things like rape and murder and violence and stuff. It seems stupid that people should have to force themselves on each other. Shouldn't we all be able to get sex by ourselves??? Is the way that we've deteriorated because of money and improper drug laws, as well as socio-economics and closed up brains, plastic and mean group thinking, and mob mentality???
Gosh this seems so big to be able to fathom.
Why can't we have nice things???
Money, power and rotten morals... why even say that, i mean, people are whores. people are sluts. the internet is a meat market. There's porn for every single type of fetish out there. If your fetish isn't covered, yours will be copied, and then copied again, and parodied, and crossed up with some other fetish, and then re-fed to you in some other form that you don't even know.
Money & SOCIAL CRAP: A NOTE - 1 dash A.
WHY ARE ROCKERS A MINORITY???? Popularity Contest?? WHY IS THIS SHIT STILL HAPPENING????
a - MONEY-
b - social structures vs. labeling and anger
c. - genrefication
c. Kurt Cobain made rock look like shit.
d. Imbalance between artistic and non artistic entities as well as inteelctuals being treted the way they do.
BLAH BLAH BLAH bunch of shit that i can't do shit about BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH.
-ob-
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
AUTOBIOGRAPHIMENTARY
into-
boirn in 76
talk about dad, talk about M. Mechanicals
Dad Being a Badass
Dad Being an Art Director
Dad's Partying days.
talk about early education, talk about
-early age reading
- the importance of books and art at an early age-
preschool - wanting homework
firts bike
CB Days
ARCADES
television -
-parents working with TV people
- Voiceover for Love Boat
- Romper Room
- Meeting up with celebs after Romper Room
- How people treated me after that
Dad Being A Storyteller
- Ghost stories
- Traveling tales
- How he did things
-health, illness and death.
Missing him.
Mom- care and stories.
-living in the deser for a bit
- the camper
- the hose mom and dad were building
- the time that Grandma and Grandpa had to go jum p the battery becasue i drained it watching cartoons on the black and white tv (easter, 1981)
- Moving to Ukiah
- Last Halloween with Dad
- regretting not liking the Halloween costume HE made me.
- Christmas 82- ATARI - regretting throwing it away in 89 (notes re: video games changing my life and influencing my computer training and career
- goofing off and watching the house while Mom went to L.A. to get the rest of the stuff.
- Honey Bear ( first dog)
- Stanley (first Cat)
-Snuggles (second cat)
- Going to School
- THE ARCADES (Munchies, BRAINSTORM, the availability of Arcade Machines all over Ukiah)
Moving To Hopland-
Back to Ukiah - early 86-
-Living at mom's home care client's house.
-Losing the cats to Birdell Ward
- Waugh Lane
- Hallwoeen 1986 first PURPLE HAIR (being mugged and then being rocked -sweet children-)
- xmas 1986 (the better of the 85 vs 86
- THE ARCADES ( DADDY's The Soda Club, Mr. K.'s)
- FUN SHOPPING - Between the worlds, the old downstairs at the old Rexall - badass yoyos and expensive gifts, TOY AND MODEL,
- DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS- THE LEAP into the Role Playing Game World - at F*CKING Age 9-
- Oak Manor' Computer Lab (all 8 bit ataris. all high performance, all had their own disk drives)
- There was pinball and arcade games everywhere.
- Back To Nokomis
- Punk Rock Days at Nokomis Elementary
-
1987 summer- moved to Capps Lane
- The abandoned building shit that we made forts out of and did filthy things in (THEM MORE THAN ME)
- first we lived upstars and our apartment looked over Frank Zeek and the back baseball field and over in the corner... the cemetery. strange practices of mine were set into play, against those i felt jealous... i wish i still remembered those old spells, and the games we played.... someof them the rules you only knew if you were there.
into-
boirn in 76
talk about dad, talk about M. Mechanicals
Dad Being a Badass
Dad Being an Art Director
Dad's Partying days.
talk about early education, talk about
-early age reading
- the importance of books and art at an early age-
preschool - wanting homework
firts bike
CB Days
ARCADES
television -
-parents working with TV people
- Voiceover for Love Boat
- Romper Room
- Meeting up with celebs after Romper Room
- How people treated me after that
Dad Being A Storyteller
- Ghost stories
- Traveling tales
- How he did things
-health, illness and death.
Missing him.
Mom- care and stories.
-living in the deser for a bit
- the camper
- the hose mom and dad were building
- the time that Grandma and Grandpa had to go jum p the battery becasue i drained it watching cartoons on the black and white tv (easter, 1981)
- Moving to Ukiah
- Last Halloween with Dad
- regretting not liking the Halloween costume HE made me.
- Christmas 82- ATARI - regretting throwing it away in 89 (notes re: video games changing my life and influencing my computer training and career
- goofing off and watching the house while Mom went to L.A. to get the rest of the stuff.
- Honey Bear ( first dog)
- Stanley (first Cat)
-Snuggles (second cat)
- Going to School
- THE ARCADES (Munchies, BRAINSTORM, the availability of Arcade Machines all over Ukiah)
Moving To Hopland-
- Living in hopland-
- going to school
- the alone-ness
- getting into first trance
- pumkin patches halloween 1985
- the thatcher inn,
- cub scouts
- running around in the hills out by John Walker's place way out in the hills
- Mom's work at Nellie and Mose's
- first OVERDOSE
- Christmas 1985
- Disneyland
- THE FLOOD.
- NEED TO MOVE
Back to Ukiah - early 86-
-Living at mom's home care client's house.
-Losing the cats to Birdell Ward
- Waugh Lane
- Hallwoeen 1986 first PURPLE HAIR (being mugged and then being rocked -sweet children-)
- xmas 1986 (the better of the 85 vs 86
- THE ARCADES ( DADDY's The Soda Club, Mr. K.'s)
- FUN SHOPPING - Between the worlds, the old downstairs at the old Rexall - badass yoyos and expensive gifts, TOY AND MODEL,
- DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS- THE LEAP into the Role Playing Game World - at F*CKING Age 9-
- Oak Manor' Computer Lab (all 8 bit ataris. all high performance, all had their own disk drives)
- There was pinball and arcade games everywhere.
- Back To Nokomis
- Punk Rock Days at Nokomis Elementary
-
1987 summer- moved to Capps Lane
- The abandoned building shit that we made forts out of and did filthy things in (THEM MORE THAN ME)
- first we lived upstars and our apartment looked over Frank Zeek and the back baseball field and over in the corner... the cemetery. strange practices of mine were set into play, against those i felt jealous... i wish i still remembered those old spells, and the games we played.... someof them the rules you only knew if you were there.
bye bye old highway
gimme a new highway, i don't like the old one
that i had all of these shady days run,
wait for it, i'm sure it'll come,
just as sure as the rising sun
i do not want to be around, to be the one I used to look down,
for having that hunger, and having that thirst,
for turning my best days into my worst,
so where is my golden sunset, and is the movie even over yet?
or has the stage just been set for the baddest sequence in the whole world yet?
Hey hey director,
that close up i'm ready for
my face is clearner and it's meaner but's nicer than it's been before.
you see i was so lost i didn't even know
you see i was so lost that
i was so lost that
i don't even know what the hell i was SO LOST for
i do not want to be around, to be the one I used to look down,
for having that hunger, I WILL NOT FROWN
and i know i burnt bridges, i burnt towers, i've burned out forests and brought ashes to moutains
i do not want to be denied, and i do not want to be turned down and when the sky shines upon all us all
...
shine upon us all.
that i had all of these shady days run,
wait for it, i'm sure it'll come,
just as sure as the rising sun
i do not want to be around, to be the one I used to look down,
for having that hunger, and having that thirst,
for turning my best days into my worst,
so where is my golden sunset, and is the movie even over yet?
or has the stage just been set for the baddest sequence in the whole world yet?
Hey hey director,
that close up i'm ready for
my face is clearner and it's meaner but's nicer than it's been before.
you see i was so lost i didn't even know
you see i was so lost that
i was so lost that
i don't even know what the hell i was SO LOST for
i do not want to be around, to be the one I used to look down,
for having that hunger, I WILL NOT FROWN
and i know i burnt bridges, i burnt towers, i've burned out forests and brought ashes to moutains
i do not want to be denied, and i do not want to be turned down and when the sky shines upon all us all
...
shine upon us all.
IT'S DRUGS DAMNIT.
IT'S DRUGS...
WE just had the hightest amount of AMERICAN DEATHS in AFGHANISTAN
IT's FUCKING DRUG RELATED.
LEGALIZE POT-
Synthesize speed and heroin alternatives with it as well as get stoned.
Get the money cut off, stop people going to jail here, stop people killing each other here for weed and for all the other crap that we cna synthesize with it, and get our head out of our ass.
GOVERNMENT
Please Hear Me.
We are Dying.
Please Start To open your minds. We are ready for change. We are tired of Prohibition.
We are tired of people dying in the streets, we are tired of our troops fighting in a place where we cannot win. The way we can truly fight terror is to remove ourselves from where we are in our positions in anti-american and anti UN areas and third world areas where we are not met with peace.
Please.
WE just had the hightest amount of AMERICAN DEATHS in AFGHANISTAN
IT's FUCKING DRUG RELATED.
LEGALIZE POT-
Synthesize speed and heroin alternatives with it as well as get stoned.
Get the money cut off, stop people going to jail here, stop people killing each other here for weed and for all the other crap that we cna synthesize with it, and get our head out of our ass.
GOVERNMENT
Please Hear Me.
We are Dying.
Please Start To open your minds. We are ready for change. We are tired of Prohibition.
We are tired of people dying in the streets, we are tired of our troops fighting in a place where we cannot win. The way we can truly fight terror is to remove ourselves from where we are in our positions in anti-american and anti UN areas and third world areas where we are not met with peace.
Please.
Monday, October 26, 2009
but why why why, why oliver why?
WHY DIDN"T I GET MAD ENOUGH TO CREATE BEFORE INSTEAD OF FEELING SO WEAK???
EFFING DEPRESSION! FUCK THAT SHI-
EFFING DEPRESSION! FUCK THAT SHI-
little serpent little serpent why must you scream and shout, .
you've been living such a lie now, now it's time to get on out.
so bring on once damned sunshine
and dry up all this rain,
i'm getting fucking sick of it and it's redundant pain.
you've been living such a lie now, now it's time to get on out.
so bring on once damned sunshine
and dry up all this rain,
i'm getting fucking sick of it and it's redundant pain.
let zero equal zero, let zero equal one - a poem- - or something-
let zero equal zero, let zero equal one
let nothingness become somehting this is how the stuff gets done
close your eyes, what do you see, nothings a part of reality.
open them now, realize, the nothing is out here.
not just
behind your eys.
i'm talking to you.
but you're not listening
and looking through you
Your life it should be glistening
too long down,
so start lookingup right now.
you've got a lot
all you've gotta do is...
see.
everyone has told you.
that they all bought and sold youy, and the feelings you get.
the sadness and regret, were just put there by your own se-e-elf
so why why why why does ity feel,
like it's some times not really all that can be real, but it's just
the way people talk .
about what is and isn't and we all know that they don't tell us
everything.
carpe diem,
sieze the whole day.
don't let one moment go.
and let it slip away.
these moments they can fall just like grains of sand, and if you don't try to live up your own life...
it might slide through your hands.
but don't go out and piss it all away,
find yourself and a place for you that's gonna be okay.
but first let's take a look a little deeper, up side that he-e-ead
how much of the gear's alive and can we wake the de-e-ead?
how many games have you played boy how many playgrounds have you see-ee-een?
how many women have you been with lad
we all know you're no't that gre-ee-een
let zero equal zero, let zero equal one
let nothingness become something this is how the stuff gets done
let nothingness become somehting this is how the stuff gets done
close your eyes, what do you see, nothings a part of reality.
open them now, realize, the nothing is out here.
not just
behind your eys.
i'm talking to you.
but you're not listening
and looking through you
Your life it should be glistening
too long down,
so start lookingup right now.
you've got a lot
all you've gotta do is...
see.
everyone has told you.
that they all bought and sold youy, and the feelings you get.
the sadness and regret, were just put there by your own se-e-elf
so why why why why does ity feel,
like it's some times not really all that can be real, but it's just
the way people talk .
about what is and isn't and we all know that they don't tell us
everything.
carpe diem,
sieze the whole day.
don't let one moment go.
and let it slip away.
these moments they can fall just like grains of sand, and if you don't try to live up your own life...
it might slide through your hands.
but don't go out and piss it all away,
find yourself and a place for you that's gonna be okay.
but first let's take a look a little deeper, up side that he-e-ead
how much of the gear's alive and can we wake the de-e-ead?
how many games have you played boy how many playgrounds have you see-ee-een?
how many women have you been with lad
we all know you're no't that gre-ee-een
let zero equal zero, let zero equal one
let nothingness become something this is how the stuff gets done
I'm not.
Looking for love around here.
I'm not gonna win anyway.
they say
around here you're Not wanted
you know,
they never ever liked you ever anyways.
SO.
what do you get.
when your back's up against that wall?
and you know,
that you're just too tired to fall,
so you slow down and look straight into the black.
after all the one who did it's you,
and
now it's time to act.
face to face with an inner demon
face to face, never seen it like this bedore.
face to face,
the only way to get through this.
only thing left is winning,
show yourself
you can get the high score.
even if those times you think you're just playing with yourself
life's a game sometimes
don't put your dreams on the back end of that shelf.
let em burn.
like pages off of your fingers.
let them burn,
in their own waste
BY Themselvs.
don't sit around to watch them
cuz'
i'm not not not not
not not not.
not not.
I'm not gonna win anyway.
they say
around here you're Not wanted
you know,
they never ever liked you ever anyways.
SO.
what do you get.
when your back's up against that wall?
and you know,
that you're just too tired to fall,
so you slow down and look straight into the black.
after all the one who did it's you,
and
now it's time to act.
face to face with an inner demon
face to face, never seen it like this bedore.
face to face,
the only way to get through this.
only thing left is winning,
show yourself
you can get the high score.
even if those times you think you're just playing with yourself
life's a game sometimes
don't put your dreams on the back end of that shelf.
let em burn.
like pages off of your fingers.
let them burn,
in their own waste
BY Themselvs.
don't sit around to watch them
cuz'
i'm not not not not
not not not.
not not.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
mud
Why the fuck did I think that booze and getting laid had anything to do with one naother.
i mean, yeah, it's okay to have a couple, and hook up w/ someone, but for fucks sake man, the way I GO... jeee whiz.
i can't do that shit, i turn into a brazen cartoon psychedelic warlord crazy rat bastard who can't think becasue he's wasted from self medication and depression form having to deal with my brain and thew thoughts and the insecurities and anger and Jealousy.
fuck jealousy. i hate it, i hate it so much, i don't like it it's not nice and it makes me mean. i don't know.
i write poetry. i'm kinda skinny. deal with it.
piss off.
grrr.
besides, what ladies want to see (i think) is someone who's n their head, has confidence, the ability to feel okay about themselves, and can carry themselves like they're okay with themselves and who they are, the abiolity to relax and be aware of the world and the needs of that woman in particular, taking advantage of timing and spontaneity as well as corresponding likes to create an interesting and exciting moment that can grow into many other things.
I'm prolly totally fucking wrong.
i mean, yeah, it's okay to have a couple, and hook up w/ someone, but for fucks sake man, the way I GO... jeee whiz.
i can't do that shit, i turn into a brazen cartoon psychedelic warlord crazy rat bastard who can't think becasue he's wasted from self medication and depression form having to deal with my brain and thew thoughts and the insecurities and anger and Jealousy.
fuck jealousy. i hate it, i hate it so much, i don't like it it's not nice and it makes me mean. i don't know.
i write poetry. i'm kinda skinny. deal with it.
piss off.
grrr.
besides, what ladies want to see (i think) is someone who's n their head, has confidence, the ability to feel okay about themselves, and can carry themselves like they're okay with themselves and who they are, the abiolity to relax and be aware of the world and the needs of that woman in particular, taking advantage of timing and spontaneity as well as corresponding likes to create an interesting and exciting moment that can grow into many other things.
I'm prolly totally fucking wrong.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Rubber Johnny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3far9oHZOsI
Man gets chased and ripped apart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9HqoI6gnyw
Baby Laugh-a-Lot Commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYSGVvA4ojE&feature=player_profilepage
half-life 2 zombie sounds reveled backwards
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhD-vd7PXY4
none
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sr5BLeA5a0&feature=player_profilepage
Quality Meats: Flesh Straight Jacket by Michael Taflove
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNOPphIviXc&feature=player_profilepage
Still Life - Short movie, very shocking but very clever
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=La6T8Bq6CsU&feature=player_profilepage
Jacob's Ladder
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttcof7TQ-Mw&feature=player_profilepage
Persephone Numbers Station
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McFRonD-sjg&feature=player_profilepage
"F.A.C.E." (2008:Rated NFN)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BD_ZLJmxA30&feature=player_profilepage
Look at her face, scary
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUfi23z_VNY&feature=player_profilepage
Hunted Hospital
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qb99zZfxnHE&feature=player_profilepage
Body Of A Pig
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X72xDpv898Y&feature=player_profilepage
Harvey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvZYe4mlwAs&feature=player_profilepage
HAND THING
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtSgWZbL_kE
SCADshorts: Pencil Face
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MjTb5A68VA
eraserhead - in heaven everything is fine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RctPKy25LBU
Max Headroom Hijacking incident
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cycVTXtm0U0
Fantastic Hey Hey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyyzboAXzFk
Monkey Drummer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1ZGIrNf71Q
Autechre - Second Bad Vibel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgNwfMoyNs0&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3far9oHZOsI
Man gets chased and ripped apart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9HqoI6gnyw
Baby Laugh-a-Lot Commercial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYSGVvA4ojE&feature=player_profilepage
half-life 2 zombie sounds reveled backwards
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhD-vd7PXY4
none
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sr5BLeA5a0&feature=player_profilepage
Quality Meats: Flesh Straight Jacket by Michael Taflove
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNOPphIviXc&feature=player_profilepage
Still Life - Short movie, very shocking but very clever
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=La6T8Bq6CsU&feature=player_profilepage
Jacob's Ladder
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttcof7TQ-Mw&feature=player_profilepage
Persephone Numbers Station
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McFRonD-sjg&feature=player_profilepage
"F.A.C.E." (2008:Rated NFN)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BD_ZLJmxA30&feature=player_profilepage
Look at her face, scary
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUfi23z_VNY&feature=player_profilepage
Hunted Hospital
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qb99zZfxnHE&feature=player_profilepage
Body Of A Pig
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X72xDpv898Y&feature=player_profilepage
Harvey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvZYe4mlwAs&feature=player_profilepage
HAND THING
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtSgWZbL_kE
SCADshorts: Pencil Face
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MjTb5A68VA
eraserhead - in heaven everything is fine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RctPKy25LBU
Max Headroom Hijacking incident
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cycVTXtm0U0
Fantastic Hey Hey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyyzboAXzFk
Monkey Drummer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1ZGIrNf71Q
Autechre - Second Bad Vibel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgNwfMoyNs0&feature=related
Wyoming Incident
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHkW0aKHRc
Metalosis Maligna - An Extraordinary disease
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtXMyAOop3s
Mama- Short Film
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUHOY2ZmWUo
The Peanut Vendor - Len Lye 1933
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQYZPwEdPoo
No Through Road
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08rj_ioKNSo
Dining Room or There is Nothing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ns1SGo3WCF4
There Are Monsters
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsL_5bovozE
WARNING: REAL UNCUT RAW FOOTAGE Terrifying Demon Ghost On Earth Attack A Man To Death 666
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcQdP0YxAfk
Creepy Grudge Ghost Girl in the Mirror!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIGxKY5y6Mg&NR=1
YOU WILL NEVER FIND ME
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYxDyiwH5j4
maszek - private sector
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYdryCFhJqw
The Cat With Hand
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq3EsyotORM
Mirrors The Movie
Bathroom Scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHMZZBNG-0k
Signs "Disturbing" Clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RGtC2S22Z0&feature=related
L'Inferno (1911) Satan eating human
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU4q-ZGo_kw
The Gable Film
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fDeT8H2CwQ
Malice in Wonderland
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQ8Zh6AHNVg
agamemnon counterpart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqzESY7SIqU
BANANA MAN - TALLY HALL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoGuoXuLmsk
Ghost Car
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSLBtm__aKw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBHkW0aKHRc
Metalosis Maligna - An Extraordinary disease
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtXMyAOop3s
Mama- Short Film
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUHOY2ZmWUo
The Peanut Vendor - Len Lye 1933
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQYZPwEdPoo
No Through Road
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08rj_ioKNSo
Dining Room or There is Nothing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ns1SGo3WCF4
There Are Monsters
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsL_5bovozE
WARNING: REAL UNCUT RAW FOOTAGE Terrifying Demon Ghost On Earth Attack A Man To Death 666
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcQdP0YxAfk
Creepy Grudge Ghost Girl in the Mirror!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIGxKY5y6Mg&NR=1
YOU WILL NEVER FIND ME
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYxDyiwH5j4
maszek - private sector
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYdryCFhJqw
The Cat With Hand
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq3EsyotORM
Mirrors The Movie
Bathroom Scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHMZZBNG-0k
Signs "Disturbing" Clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RGtC2S22Z0&feature=related
L'Inferno (1911) Satan eating human
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU4q-ZGo_kw
The Gable Film
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fDeT8H2CwQ
Malice in Wonderland
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQ8Zh6AHNVg
agamemnon counterpart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqzESY7SIqU
BANANA MAN - TALLY HALL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoGuoXuLmsk
Ghost Car
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSLBtm__aKw
I never thoiught...
that i'd be so damned turned on by old grainy 1972 footage of a gorgeus looking woman dancing with intense psychedelic enrgies pumping her karma on a stage. Thank You, Hawkwind, not only do you provide one hell of a soundtrack, the eye candy you guys had on stage was amazing.
think about fucking just like going to the can, it's natural, everybody does it, but the toilets that have a lot of traffic tend to be a tad dirty.
Friday, October 16, 2009
what's wrong with the lights?
Oh, how you run.
How you run from the truth, how you fall and falter, your brain sparkling like scattered pieces of broken glass shining like a wave of rubies and amber as the rear end of the car drops you off on the corner and leaves you there for the next guy.
How you run from the truth, how you fall and falter, your brain sparkling like scattered pieces of broken glass shining like a wave of rubies and amber as the rear end of the car drops you off on the corner and leaves you there for the next guy.
CONSUMERISM VS CREATIVITY. Round 1, FIGHT
Fear.
Lots of it.
Since Dad died (bawwwww i know), fear has eaten me up quite a bit. Feelings and insecurites got played. My kindness and naivety were trampled like small flowers in a garden, being run through by bull moose-units.
I'm so fucked up, i dunno.
Lots of it.
Since Dad died (bawwwww i know), fear has eaten me up quite a bit. Feelings and insecurites got played. My kindness and naivety were trampled like small flowers in a garden, being run through by bull moose-units.
Open Mic Night vs "Battle of The Bands"
Once Upon A time...
That's freedom right there. the intro, the in door, the opening.
.....
Battle of The bands. Im not in a band. I don't want to talk to them They can play. I'm a wreck I get to
listen. They should put me in he fucking zoo. Or let me just do my thing. I'm going Pro. Fuck this. I get in "fights", which are basically beatings at ehses types of events. I usually show up to them very shy and inadequate feeling, jealousy comes in pretty quick, and the pressure to drink A FUCKTON, kicks in like a the ending lyrics in a little song. I criticize stuff too much. The stuff I listened to in the way back kicks the crap outta the stuff nowadays. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not "in the know" right now. Maybe I'm not on the same page as everybody else. But wait. I had to get off their trains. I cannot be a cheerleader anymore, nor mascot, nor clown prince for them, for my own ways must BE Committed, and my ART must be shown, my voice, made loud and words shall come alive. NOT drowned by booze and self disgust. Not extinguished by hate and tranished by the hunt of lust. We all want the same things. I cannot change the land upon which I walk. I cannot change the brains around me, only mine. I must liberate the self. To nothingness with the rest of the noises that i hear. I hear other persons ways of winning and am denying the warmth of the self brought forth divinely from the universe, and given to me by my sheer existence and ability to either accept or deny it. I accept it. It is a heavy bag, a heavy bag indeed. The things that have happened can learn to forgive and roll on like wheels on fire, or will o the wisps running over valleys and hills in the warm night air.
Excuse me.
This is a Brick Wall. It is 102 Miles Thick, sir.
This is a brick wall.
Stop before you hit it.
Open Mic Night on the other hand, I dunno, I guess that you gotta start somewhere and my friends are
getting quite sick of telling me about chances that i continually fuck up or miss due to the fact that it takes
money, time and other shit to get to a place that i can do that at. Lake County has no places for free form
expression and stuff. I do not want to perform any place around here. I don't have the guts. I'm chicken. If
someone from Lake County said that they wanted me to perform or what not, I shouldn't trust them. I need
security. Did you see what somneone did to Leona Lewis?? AT A BOOK SIGNING??? You think,
"okay book signing, nice and SAFE", right??? WRONGO. What the fuck?? I mean, she's mainstream,
but she don't need to get all beat up and shit. Violence is stupid. Old ass thought is stupid too. Volence is
old and stupid and should be replaced with ART THERAPY. I want LUNCH, DAMNIT, and I'm making
It fuck this. Oh lunch.
Respect Your Limitations.
Expand Your Horizons.
Tell the truth, even if it's crooked, recovering and coming down, be honest through fiction. Only you know
what YOU Know.
ya know?
Create. In the face of diversity. Destroy, the old old ways. Records that skip should be broken and
tossed. To fill up the voids.
or recycled, or whatever you neeed to do with them so that YOU can do something for YOU.
Not THEM.
-om-
101809
That's freedom right there. the intro, the in door, the opening.
.....
Battle of The bands. Im not in a band. I don't want to talk to them They can play. I'm a wreck I get to
listen. They should put me in he fucking zoo. Or let me just do my thing. I'm going Pro. Fuck this. I get in "fights", which are basically beatings at ehses types of events. I usually show up to them very shy and inadequate feeling, jealousy comes in pretty quick, and the pressure to drink A FUCKTON, kicks in like a the ending lyrics in a little song. I criticize stuff too much. The stuff I listened to in the way back kicks the crap outta the stuff nowadays. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not "in the know" right now. Maybe I'm not on the same page as everybody else. But wait. I had to get off their trains. I cannot be a cheerleader anymore, nor mascot, nor clown prince for them, for my own ways must BE Committed, and my ART must be shown, my voice, made loud and words shall come alive. NOT drowned by booze and self disgust. Not extinguished by hate and tranished by the hunt of lust. We all want the same things. I cannot change the land upon which I walk. I cannot change the brains around me, only mine. I must liberate the self. To nothingness with the rest of the noises that i hear. I hear other persons ways of winning and am denying the warmth of the self brought forth divinely from the universe, and given to me by my sheer existence and ability to either accept or deny it. I accept it. It is a heavy bag, a heavy bag indeed. The things that have happened can learn to forgive and roll on like wheels on fire, or will o the wisps running over valleys and hills in the warm night air.
Excuse me.
This is a Brick Wall. It is 102 Miles Thick, sir.
This is a brick wall.
Stop before you hit it.
Open Mic Night on the other hand, I dunno, I guess that you gotta start somewhere and my friends are
getting quite sick of telling me about chances that i continually fuck up or miss due to the fact that it takes
money, time and other shit to get to a place that i can do that at. Lake County has no places for free form
expression and stuff. I do not want to perform any place around here. I don't have the guts. I'm chicken. If
someone from Lake County said that they wanted me to perform or what not, I shouldn't trust them. I need
security. Did you see what somneone did to Leona Lewis?? AT A BOOK SIGNING??? You think,
"okay book signing, nice and SAFE", right??? WRONGO. What the fuck?? I mean, she's mainstream,
but she don't need to get all beat up and shit. Violence is stupid. Old ass thought is stupid too. Volence is
old and stupid and should be replaced with ART THERAPY. I want LUNCH, DAMNIT, and I'm making
It fuck this. Oh lunch.
Respect Your Limitations.
Expand Your Horizons.
Tell the truth, even if it's crooked, recovering and coming down, be honest through fiction. Only you know
what YOU Know.
ya know?
Create. In the face of diversity. Destroy, the old old ways. Records that skip should be broken and
tossed. To fill up the voids.
or recycled, or whatever you neeed to do with them so that YOU can do something for YOU.
Not THEM.
-om-
101809
Tee Hee TEEEHEEE M*THERF*CKER, ha ha hah.
I lose about a half an eighth each time she goes out.
When she goes out she looks like a call girl.
Not really a callgirl mind you, but one of those broads you can pick up on a streetcorner.
She listens to the mainstream suff, doesn't read books, doesn't write, doesn't do shit like I do, should be
easy for her to get laid.
Huge tits.
Saying shit shit shit kinda quietly like mad I try to find the fucking pot. Nope. No dice. Must find better
stash spot.
No Dice. Must stash it better, must lock up money. Must do better.
Do not trust her.
She said I wasn't thinking wiht the right head when I asked her back in.
Whoah.
When she goes out she looks like a call girl.
Not really a callgirl mind you, but one of those broads you can pick up on a streetcorner.
She listens to the mainstream suff, doesn't read books, doesn't write, doesn't do shit like I do, should be
easy for her to get laid.
Huge tits.
Saying shit shit shit kinda quietly like mad I try to find the fucking pot. Nope. No dice. Must find better
stash spot.
No Dice. Must stash it better, must lock up money. Must do better.
Do not trust her.
She said I wasn't thinking wiht the right head when I asked her back in.
Whoah.
its an old fight, yes it is.
Apep, the mindless Chaos must be slain every night.
Destroy It and Him, Act In the Times of despair and Create in the stressful times.
Destroy Also, Osiris, Death itself, to wreck the old ways of thought and deterioration.
-become-
Destroy It and Him, Act In the Times of despair and Create in the stressful times.
Destroy Also, Osiris, Death itself, to wreck the old ways of thought and deterioration.
-become-
eeeghads november or december 1998
November 15 1998 or
DECEMBER !8th
1998. Friday.or Saturday.
REDWOOD AVENUE, UKIAH CA
...
DECEMBER !8th
1998. Friday.or Saturday.
REDWOOD AVENUE, UKIAH CA
...
Cornerstone: Placed and set.
I can feel the handrails.
the spiral staircase, keep climibing.
the inside of the tower is black, only a small old fashioned flashlight holding about 2/3 chargeoozing out a
certain glow of "we can make it", only a tad on the dark side.
the entry door is far back and down about 2.5 to 4 stories down.
this is the obelisk.
this is wehre my tears fell.
drip by drip.
out there is where i bled.
im not going out there again.
temptation makes me want to,
but i know what will happen.
i know that i cannot trust my self.
i fall into bad holes from which i am afraid that i will not be able to get out from.
No longer going to those dark woods, walking through the shady zones and black crooked silly and stupid
blankly assumng all on this planet is here to give love.
NO.
Not at all. There is evil. There is darkness.
When the sun falls away and we see it, for the first time in 25000 years, we will see the need for the true light.
We will see that it is us that need to shine. Not flashlights. Not lightbulbs. Not fire.
blaze inside.
blaze like no other fire even contemplated.
Make the flames ice cold and blue green like LED's with changing color and purple stop points and faces
bounce out like highbounce balls traingle bouncing at strange unpredictable angles from floor to wall, and
back to floor, and then off the wall again... dancing down the hallways, then rolling along.
...
The top upper room is used as a lookout spot.
I look out through glass that they cannot even understand. my views are not the same. from this vantage point the view that is the most impressive and important is the one spot that i see, that lets me look deep inside.
Calm. Find calm. Internal. Temptation is strong, everywhere on this planet. Even if you're a Badass like
Spalding Gray, living in a badass place, Like New York, and doing what your Badass self likes and happy
abounds and the girl that you're with isn't a lying cheating backstabbing icky yucky icky-yuck derp derp
that's sleeping around with felons and thugs, and crashing at your former bandmates house and getting four
or five cocks at a time while you're trying hard to write a manuscript and record music and go formward to
be able to "provide", and put a cork in the lying mouth long enough to get that false sense of security long
enough to be able to breathe and relax. Keeps coming back, but I haven't jumped in the FUCKING
HUDSON YET, DEATH. You bastard, your foolish ways and the games you play. You pay off the Lobbyists, who put corks of money in the bawling mouths of who ever it IS YOU PAY OFF, idiots, whose laws rot in courts and watch the innocent fall to the ground and let the shapes that already have been drawn block out the sun from the sky.
All Skeletons, OUT.
I order you, OUT.
I will hand pick the ones that will stay in that closet. Some of you are no longer needed.
I stole, I lied, I cheated, I klled (animals, not people), I destroyed, I'm BEING HONEST. I've never done
anything but try to make people happy for years and years and years. IT DIDN"T WORK. What
happened??? What happened is, that I didn't believe in ME, and I let my dreams and goals and morals slide
down the drain, and then, when the reaper and the devil did their weird shit, i was weak and i slipped out
and down down down, and drowned at the bottom of a bottle for at least 3 years and it got stupid and
stupid 2, the sequel.
Thats why I knew I needed to build this Obelisk.
The older ones didn't quite work the same, it was basically, I think that they were built just to be still, and protect me, but Now, the new models are bettter, stronger, faster, they can do a lot more. They're not like the old ones at all. The old ones didn't DO much. They weren't what I really needed, they held me back, because I didn't know what I was looking for, nor what to do with it, when i got it. (THEM?)
It's on wheels, so I can take it anywhere. It can also teleport to wherever I want it to, it would have wings, but new technology was found to be much more effective. The wheels are spherical, there are black as pitch, they look lkke they were made of stone, or are of alien origin. they run on electromagetism and supercooled mecrury pumps zillawatts of raw power stored in superbatteries that line the walls of the obelisk. It can also harness lightning and conductive power from travels underwater. It can feed on thought and eats anger, lust and rage. When I want to fight, or run around and be idiotic silly, I can give my engeries to this thing, so that i can go places and do things, OR JUST DO THINGS, Like create stuff. instead of destroying me and everything else. I'll hide there, I think. Teardrops and screaming and anger and blood sometimes get eaten up by the superbatteries, once i hit the right switches, the energies come out different.
The Obelisk gives me poetry to write and games to play, songs to write and sing. It gives my pictures to draw and stories to tell. It gives me hope and lets me dream. It is freedom.
You can't see it.
I can't tell you where it is.
It's real.
If you give something that people think or say isn't real even a moment of contemplation, it's REAL, because in that one moment, you thought about it, bad or good, abstract or strange, A Plus Plus or D Minus, it exists, if even in one's mind.
Cornerstone: Placed and set.
om 10162009
the spiral staircase, keep climibing.
the inside of the tower is black, only a small old fashioned flashlight holding about 2/3 chargeoozing out a
certain glow of "we can make it", only a tad on the dark side.
the entry door is far back and down about 2.5 to 4 stories down.
this is the obelisk.
this is wehre my tears fell.
drip by drip.
out there is where i bled.
im not going out there again.
temptation makes me want to,
but i know what will happen.
i know that i cannot trust my self.
i fall into bad holes from which i am afraid that i will not be able to get out from.
No longer going to those dark woods, walking through the shady zones and black crooked silly and stupid
blankly assumng all on this planet is here to give love.
NO.
Not at all. There is evil. There is darkness.
When the sun falls away and we see it, for the first time in 25000 years, we will see the need for the true light.
We will see that it is us that need to shine. Not flashlights. Not lightbulbs. Not fire.
blaze inside.
blaze like no other fire even contemplated.
Make the flames ice cold and blue green like LED's with changing color and purple stop points and faces
bounce out like highbounce balls traingle bouncing at strange unpredictable angles from floor to wall, and
back to floor, and then off the wall again... dancing down the hallways, then rolling along.
...
The top upper room is used as a lookout spot.
I look out through glass that they cannot even understand. my views are not the same. from this vantage point the view that is the most impressive and important is the one spot that i see, that lets me look deep inside.
Calm. Find calm. Internal. Temptation is strong, everywhere on this planet. Even if you're a Badass like
Spalding Gray, living in a badass place, Like New York, and doing what your Badass self likes and happy
abounds and the girl that you're with isn't a lying cheating backstabbing icky yucky icky-yuck derp derp
that's sleeping around with felons and thugs, and crashing at your former bandmates house and getting four
or five cocks at a time while you're trying hard to write a manuscript and record music and go formward to
be able to "provide", and put a cork in the lying mouth long enough to get that false sense of security long
enough to be able to breathe and relax. Keeps coming back, but I haven't jumped in the FUCKING
HUDSON YET, DEATH. You bastard, your foolish ways and the games you play. You pay off the Lobbyists, who put corks of money in the bawling mouths of who ever it IS YOU PAY OFF, idiots, whose laws rot in courts and watch the innocent fall to the ground and let the shapes that already have been drawn block out the sun from the sky.
All Skeletons, OUT.
I order you, OUT.
I will hand pick the ones that will stay in that closet. Some of you are no longer needed.
I stole, I lied, I cheated, I klled (animals, not people), I destroyed, I'm BEING HONEST. I've never done
anything but try to make people happy for years and years and years. IT DIDN"T WORK. What
happened??? What happened is, that I didn't believe in ME, and I let my dreams and goals and morals slide
down the drain, and then, when the reaper and the devil did their weird shit, i was weak and i slipped out
and down down down, and drowned at the bottom of a bottle for at least 3 years and it got stupid and
stupid 2, the sequel.
Thats why I knew I needed to build this Obelisk.
The older ones didn't quite work the same, it was basically, I think that they were built just to be still, and protect me, but Now, the new models are bettter, stronger, faster, they can do a lot more. They're not like the old ones at all. The old ones didn't DO much. They weren't what I really needed, they held me back, because I didn't know what I was looking for, nor what to do with it, when i got it. (THEM?)
It's on wheels, so I can take it anywhere. It can also teleport to wherever I want it to, it would have wings, but new technology was found to be much more effective. The wheels are spherical, there are black as pitch, they look lkke they were made of stone, or are of alien origin. they run on electromagetism and supercooled mecrury pumps zillawatts of raw power stored in superbatteries that line the walls of the obelisk. It can also harness lightning and conductive power from travels underwater. It can feed on thought and eats anger, lust and rage. When I want to fight, or run around and be idiotic silly, I can give my engeries to this thing, so that i can go places and do things, OR JUST DO THINGS, Like create stuff. instead of destroying me and everything else. I'll hide there, I think. Teardrops and screaming and anger and blood sometimes get eaten up by the superbatteries, once i hit the right switches, the energies come out different.
The Obelisk gives me poetry to write and games to play, songs to write and sing. It gives my pictures to draw and stories to tell. It gives me hope and lets me dream. It is freedom.
You can't see it.
I can't tell you where it is.
It's real.
If you give something that people think or say isn't real even a moment of contemplation, it's REAL, because in that one moment, you thought about it, bad or good, abstract or strange, A Plus Plus or D Minus, it exists, if even in one's mind.
Cornerstone: Placed and set.
om 10162009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Rear View Jamming (part one dash a)
The First run was in late 1991. Maybe November or December, if it was in 1992 it was between January and February.
the last one was in like two thousand and something.
No more.
Never again.
the runs consisted mainly of marijuana.
Sometimes we would also be bringing stereo equipment or televisions and typewriters. Twice we took Record players, once we took a pinball machine. The most pot I ever took in a short run was one carload. Filled trunk and the back end of the car up tho the top of the back seats. The car flew.
The most we took in one long run was probably 7 - 11 cars worth. we'd smush it down to two or three returning cars. Big ones. Cadillacs usually, that or station wagons. No motorbikes. No sidecars, no trikes. No marks no way. Plain. The 7- 11 cars one was from Southern Humboldt to Reno Nevada. We left lake county at 6pm. Dark. Cold. Had to double up on the clothes and take an extra backpack full of extra stuff in case i needed it. Rain. Softly falling rain kept the lights from peoples houses with their rainbow palettes and seasons greetings signs up in lights reflecting on the pavement while we left town. I wondered if anything was going to happen. Was I even going to return home to my Mom, cats and comic books, and if I was going to go to for soda with the girl that lived down the street a bit. I needed freedom, I thought. I guess. I guess I thought UI neede to feel "accepted", to feel, I don't know, Alive... but according to whom? (this is easy for me to talk about it now, but then i was up to my neck.)
I tried many times to tell people that I didn't like crime that much and that drugs scared the crap out of me, but the majority of options in such a place, for a person that's easily tempted like myself, are quite quite dangerous. Not only that, but when booze, drugs, and crime are the things to do, and partying is not only a thing that you do after work or school, but something you do twenty four seven, one can lose footing in reality and slip out side the lines of rules, law, morals, and self respect. Ones own habits can turn against them and bite the junkie that feeds them.
the layout of a typical run:
Dinner or lunch was usually at the truck stop on the north end of Ukiah. Rain or shine. 3pm or am, if we had to meet up, we had to meet up. Back in the days of payphones and having to wait around for call backs sipping truck stop coffee and ice water, so much so that one had to ask someone else to watch the payphone to go leave a piss, not tell them what it was about, but to just let them know that I'd be right back. Systematic. Nowadays that shit wouldn't work at all. Were the times simpler???
Loading the cars was easy. smashed down trash bags and trash bags outside of them, and more bags outside of those. turkey bags. more garbage bags. luggage. Ataris, old stereos and 8 track players, furniture. filled it till we couldn't fill it anymore.
We would set up a prep shop in the sheds and garages of the drop zones. Prep Sessions consisted of beers and cigarettes, whiskey and lots of coffee. Some of my comrades would get wired on low grade meth and coke, while waiting for the pot to cruise in to go out, we would get amped on music, watch television and play video games, as well as power strip the guts out of some consumer electronics to be able to accommodate the storage of high grade buds. Surprisingly, Most of the radios, stereos and other junk we ripped up ACTUALLY worked. We simply put the guts in a big box and kept it in the car that the stuff was in, so that people could listen to their sometimes free tapes, LP's, and 8 tracks, play with occasional video game cartridges, controls, and other accessories that we'd pack into the mess for them to enjoy.
When the smoke arrived the bags were brought into the workroom after business was done in another room, we worked on strategy, and fine tuned and upgraded the CB radios that we would be talking on soon. From car to car we talked in such scrambled ways that it was ridiculous. There was No way for anyone to figure out what the hell was going on if they were listening. We had pages of code scrawled out in composition books and stenographers notebooks with codes to switch channel, code-word set, change drop command, and Urgency codes like "I need something from the land of clear blue water." Meant lets stop at the next shop and pick up a sixer and have a pow-wow.
Too much Fun, sometimes.
The longest haul cosisted of a 24 stop 24 drop sequence run that we should have only been on the road for 12 hours to do. It took 16. One car didn't get sold. We smoked and drank the leftover profits. Why?
What the hell was wrong? Was that it? (Why did I get hooked on that "rush", that "feeling", risk, chance, danger?) Why did I cross that borderline. The stress of a 15 year old kid who looks like a total dweeb driving carloads and carloads of marijuana is nothing like I had ever experienced before . I have no clue why I felt the need to act that way or do the things I was doing. I wasn't doing right for me, I was on remote control... A Robot Zombie Fuck. Peer pressure??? HiveMind??? I should have been at home drinking tea and playing games on my Commodore 128. Bad enough I smoked cigs, then I had to get into liquor and drugs and fucking trafficking. Lying... All the lying. It overflowed. It's done.
The people that I was hanging out with treated me as best they could, I guess. They didn't know how to deal with a kid who was into punk rock, something that they hated, that was born in Hollywood, and just doing his weird artistic thing, and was a bit flamboyant, and didn't go to high school. They didn't kow what to do, NOR did I for that matter.
I love books. Still love books. I Ain't gonna stop lovin' books.
The required amounts of money would be given to team heads, people who would give commands and directions to drivers. Drivers were Equipped with money for some gas and cigs. Being 15, I had to have people with me over 21 to get the cigs and beers and stuff for afterwords and during breaks. It also made it easy for me to be able to do the hard push driving, the fast stuff, and get it over with, and let soemone else take the wheel on the way back. They alsways made sure that I could go to any music shop and get the tapes that I wanted, or CD's and vinyl for when i was at home. They knew that music meant a lot to me, and that a soundtrack was not only a good perk for the drive but for me, a necessity.
-to be continued-
the last one was in like two thousand and something.
No more.
Never again.
the runs consisted mainly of marijuana.
Sometimes we would also be bringing stereo equipment or televisions and typewriters. Twice we took Record players, once we took a pinball machine. The most pot I ever took in a short run was one carload. Filled trunk and the back end of the car up tho the top of the back seats. The car flew.
The most we took in one long run was probably 7 - 11 cars worth. we'd smush it down to two or three returning cars. Big ones. Cadillacs usually, that or station wagons. No motorbikes. No sidecars, no trikes. No marks no way. Plain. The 7- 11 cars one was from Southern Humboldt to Reno Nevada. We left lake county at 6pm. Dark. Cold. Had to double up on the clothes and take an extra backpack full of extra stuff in case i needed it. Rain. Softly falling rain kept the lights from peoples houses with their rainbow palettes and seasons greetings signs up in lights reflecting on the pavement while we left town. I wondered if anything was going to happen. Was I even going to return home to my Mom, cats and comic books, and if I was going to go to for soda with the girl that lived down the street a bit. I needed freedom, I thought. I guess. I guess I thought UI neede to feel "accepted", to feel, I don't know, Alive... but according to whom? (this is easy for me to talk about it now, but then i was up to my neck.)
I tried many times to tell people that I didn't like crime that much and that drugs scared the crap out of me, but the majority of options in such a place, for a person that's easily tempted like myself, are quite quite dangerous. Not only that, but when booze, drugs, and crime are the things to do, and partying is not only a thing that you do after work or school, but something you do twenty four seven, one can lose footing in reality and slip out side the lines of rules, law, morals, and self respect. Ones own habits can turn against them and bite the junkie that feeds them.
the layout of a typical run:
Dinner or lunch was usually at the truck stop on the north end of Ukiah. Rain or shine. 3pm or am, if we had to meet up, we had to meet up. Back in the days of payphones and having to wait around for call backs sipping truck stop coffee and ice water, so much so that one had to ask someone else to watch the payphone to go leave a piss, not tell them what it was about, but to just let them know that I'd be right back. Systematic. Nowadays that shit wouldn't work at all. Were the times simpler???
Loading the cars was easy. smashed down trash bags and trash bags outside of them, and more bags outside of those. turkey bags. more garbage bags. luggage. Ataris, old stereos and 8 track players, furniture. filled it till we couldn't fill it anymore.
We would set up a prep shop in the sheds and garages of the drop zones. Prep Sessions consisted of beers and cigarettes, whiskey and lots of coffee. Some of my comrades would get wired on low grade meth and coke, while waiting for the pot to cruise in to go out, we would get amped on music, watch television and play video games, as well as power strip the guts out of some consumer electronics to be able to accommodate the storage of high grade buds. Surprisingly, Most of the radios, stereos and other junk we ripped up ACTUALLY worked. We simply put the guts in a big box and kept it in the car that the stuff was in, so that people could listen to their sometimes free tapes, LP's, and 8 tracks, play with occasional video game cartridges, controls, and other accessories that we'd pack into the mess for them to enjoy.
When the smoke arrived the bags were brought into the workroom after business was done in another room, we worked on strategy, and fine tuned and upgraded the CB radios that we would be talking on soon. From car to car we talked in such scrambled ways that it was ridiculous. There was No way for anyone to figure out what the hell was going on if they were listening. We had pages of code scrawled out in composition books and stenographers notebooks with codes to switch channel, code-word set, change drop command, and Urgency codes like "I need something from the land of clear blue water." Meant lets stop at the next shop and pick up a sixer and have a pow-wow.
Too much Fun, sometimes.
The longest haul cosisted of a 24 stop 24 drop sequence run that we should have only been on the road for 12 hours to do. It took 16. One car didn't get sold. We smoked and drank the leftover profits. Why?
What the hell was wrong? Was that it? (Why did I get hooked on that "rush", that "feeling", risk, chance, danger?) Why did I cross that borderline. The stress of a 15 year old kid who looks like a total dweeb driving carloads and carloads of marijuana is nothing like I had ever experienced before . I have no clue why I felt the need to act that way or do the things I was doing. I wasn't doing right for me, I was on remote control... A Robot Zombie Fuck. Peer pressure??? HiveMind??? I should have been at home drinking tea and playing games on my Commodore 128. Bad enough I smoked cigs, then I had to get into liquor and drugs and fucking trafficking. Lying... All the lying. It overflowed. It's done.
The people that I was hanging out with treated me as best they could, I guess. They didn't know how to deal with a kid who was into punk rock, something that they hated, that was born in Hollywood, and just doing his weird artistic thing, and was a bit flamboyant, and didn't go to high school. They didn't kow what to do, NOR did I for that matter.
I love books. Still love books. I Ain't gonna stop lovin' books.
The required amounts of money would be given to team heads, people who would give commands and directions to drivers. Drivers were Equipped with money for some gas and cigs. Being 15, I had to have people with me over 21 to get the cigs and beers and stuff for afterwords and during breaks. It also made it easy for me to be able to do the hard push driving, the fast stuff, and get it over with, and let soemone else take the wheel on the way back. They alsways made sure that I could go to any music shop and get the tapes that I wanted, or CD's and vinyl for when i was at home. They knew that music meant a lot to me, and that a soundtrack was not only a good perk for the drive but for me, a necessity.
-to be continued-
Who I Am
My Name is Zilch.
I am 33.
I had my library card at age two and knew how to use that fucker.
I passed my high school curriculum in 5 weeks.
I tried to hang out with criminals, addicts, weirdos, and hell raisers.
I tried to fit in with the Dungeons and Dragons set, the Japanese Animation set, and the Goths, I tried hanging out with sluts and the rich, I tried hanging out with the homeless and the metally ill.
I tried hanging out with myself.
I tried hanging out with gangsters and bikers, I tried hanging out with occultists. I tried hangin out with the bookish, I tried hanging out with video gamers. I tried.
I found a voice in poetry, found hope in the words of, Laurie Anderson, The Residents, and found lost innocence and simple, yet abundant joy in a character that I hated, due to external pressure; Mickey Mouse.
I found love, Lost love, and am learning to find myself.
I'm not who they think I was anymore.
I wish there was a place.
A place that I could read my poetry and not be treated like a nerd, to be picked on and tore apart by the
mindless masses running on their plastic hate fuel and spitting foul words out like the exhaust pumping from
the tailpipe of it's cadillac bloated obsolete death ten dollars for less than an eighth of a tank of the same old
same old.
I want poetry and spoken word stuff, and stand up and writing, and free-form expression and art treated in the same regard and held the same amount of attention grabbing groupie getting exciting as all fuck, kick ass, damn that was good, I hella enjoyed it good time had for all instead of feeling that bands are the only ones who have the right to have any stage presence at all self destructive mode.
I'm sick of waking up in orgies where I have no one to fuck. I'm sick of the fact that I live in the highest booze comsuming and drug consuming counties in the whole damn state. I'm sick of the drug laws that make weed illegal and make people die that are right here in AMERICA, not IRAQ, Not Afghanistan, Not Pakistan, Not anywhere else but right here, and that's where I think that we should be pointing our fingers and looking to try to fix things. The rest of the world SUCKS. We need to realize that. We need to realize that the middle east is a place that has had WARS happening since... shit I don't know, and that's my right as a free citizen to say. I don't know how long these factions have been fighting amongst themselves and MAYBE we NEED TO STOP trying to get in the middle of it, because all that we are doing, IS DYING over there, and we COULD be dying here liberating our own damn country. Motherfucker.
You, ARMED FORCES, get your asses back home, put bullets in he heads of these pricks HERE, let the people over there KILL THEMSELVES. They're not helping us. They can't DO SHIT. ALL THEY DO IS KILL. Let them police their own fucked up borders. We have our own WAR TO FIGHT here at home.
There is NO balance of output to input. There ARE NO Iraqis over here fighting drug and gang violence, There are no Afghanistan people ON OUR SHORES Fighting OUR CRIME. I may sound like a racist, because I have such a small world view, or maybe I am small, maybe because the world makes me that way. You see, I went to college. For training. Training in COMPUTERS. If the stupid little god damned commercials and promos and all that other crap made computer work look like a VALID field to accept and get into, that made us brighter, and that bright people would be ACCEPTED and maybe if you WERE BRIGHT and into technology, you wold have a field that not only tickled your own fancy, but also brought a tad bit of happiness and joy into people's minds, hearts and lives, as well as being able to put a roof over one's own and their family's own heads.
If you were to tell me that I was gonna be living at my mom's house living in an intellectually challenged (understatement), financially strapped, socially corrupt, and or otherwise couold be called completely pointless to be in this hell hole except in you're suicidal.
What they should teach in colleges, instead of high tech, when we're outsourcing the jobs and feeding India, and wherever else the jobs are:
-How to flip Burgers
-How to get laid
-How to accept the fact that money rules this country and everything that our forefathers fought for has GONE TO SHIT. What they say they're doing on television, is just that, Television, nothing less nothing more. No bull. Tell Americans that the jobs that they need are not here, tell them that there is NO HOPE, be honest. Tell them the truth. Tell them that Sally doesn't want to Mary, settle down and have kids. Sally wants to got train fuck 5 to 12 guys at your former friends house, who she's also fucking, come back to you, and lie straight faced at your sorry desperate overspecialized ass, and go out the next day, for another 4 day romp, all around the town that you thought you could move to, because you thought it was SAFE to go there.
FUCK SCHOOL.
You don't learn shit there, really. Hate it.
They should only go to about 8th grade, I think, after that, it's just for work, and overspecialization. Then come the death, then come the death, then come the hate and the things that they WANT YOU TO DO, you are aimless.
If you can't get laid and fuck good by age 15 you should be shot dead, because, you are COMPLETELY USELESS to the machine.
my advice to you, while I'm trying to bark at you all, is... RUN, as fast as you can, as far as you can, (if you're in a place that you can, SAFELY), or give up, or shoot someone else. Don't shoot yourself. Kurt Cobain shot himself. To hell with that shit. When the pressure of selling out keeps at the backdoor like a non-ending drunk bastard that wont stop screaming and or a dog or cat that won't stop howling, take a long walk. If you're safe. Take a breath in. A deep one, if you can. Look at all that you have made, look at all that you have done. Justify your existence. Don't lie to yourself though. Lying makes it work. The only person you need to tell the real truth to, is yourself, okay? The game is to get as much of everything as you can in life. No matter whose rules you have to abide by or break to be able to get what you need. Survival of the fittest. Don't get killed. Don't get so wasted that you get knifed up. Don't get so out of it that you don't know where you are. Don't piss years of your life away trying to be something you're not. If you're an outsider, take notes.
If you're in a band or you're rich, or are a hottie or a thug. Enjoy the sex, there are people out there who'd kill for it.
Book Learners, this planet don't take too kindly to yer type round these parts.
best wishes.
-om-
I am 33.
I had my library card at age two and knew how to use that fucker.
I passed my high school curriculum in 5 weeks.
I tried to hang out with criminals, addicts, weirdos, and hell raisers.
I tried to fit in with the Dungeons and Dragons set, the Japanese Animation set, and the Goths, I tried hanging out with sluts and the rich, I tried hanging out with the homeless and the metally ill.
I tried hanging out with myself.
I tried hanging out with gangsters and bikers, I tried hanging out with occultists. I tried hangin out with the bookish, I tried hanging out with video gamers. I tried.
I found a voice in poetry, found hope in the words of, Laurie Anderson, The Residents, and found lost innocence and simple, yet abundant joy in a character that I hated, due to external pressure; Mickey Mouse.
I found love, Lost love, and am learning to find myself.
I'm not who they think I was anymore.
I wish there was a place.
A place that I could read my poetry and not be treated like a nerd, to be picked on and tore apart by the
mindless masses running on their plastic hate fuel and spitting foul words out like the exhaust pumping from
the tailpipe of it's cadillac bloated obsolete death ten dollars for less than an eighth of a tank of the same old
same old.
I want poetry and spoken word stuff, and stand up and writing, and free-form expression and art treated in the same regard and held the same amount of attention grabbing groupie getting exciting as all fuck, kick ass, damn that was good, I hella enjoyed it good time had for all instead of feeling that bands are the only ones who have the right to have any stage presence at all self destructive mode.
I'm sick of waking up in orgies where I have no one to fuck. I'm sick of the fact that I live in the highest booze comsuming and drug consuming counties in the whole damn state. I'm sick of the drug laws that make weed illegal and make people die that are right here in AMERICA, not IRAQ, Not Afghanistan, Not Pakistan, Not anywhere else but right here, and that's where I think that we should be pointing our fingers and looking to try to fix things. The rest of the world SUCKS. We need to realize that. We need to realize that the middle east is a place that has had WARS happening since... shit I don't know, and that's my right as a free citizen to say. I don't know how long these factions have been fighting amongst themselves and MAYBE we NEED TO STOP trying to get in the middle of it, because all that we are doing, IS DYING over there, and we COULD be dying here liberating our own damn country. Motherfucker.
You, ARMED FORCES, get your asses back home, put bullets in he heads of these pricks HERE, let the people over there KILL THEMSELVES. They're not helping us. They can't DO SHIT. ALL THEY DO IS KILL. Let them police their own fucked up borders. We have our own WAR TO FIGHT here at home.
There is NO balance of output to input. There ARE NO Iraqis over here fighting drug and gang violence, There are no Afghanistan people ON OUR SHORES Fighting OUR CRIME. I may sound like a racist, because I have such a small world view, or maybe I am small, maybe because the world makes me that way. You see, I went to college. For training. Training in COMPUTERS. If the stupid little god damned commercials and promos and all that other crap made computer work look like a VALID field to accept and get into, that made us brighter, and that bright people would be ACCEPTED and maybe if you WERE BRIGHT and into technology, you wold have a field that not only tickled your own fancy, but also brought a tad bit of happiness and joy into people's minds, hearts and lives, as well as being able to put a roof over one's own and their family's own heads.
If you were to tell me that I was gonna be living at my mom's house living in an intellectually challenged (understatement), financially strapped, socially corrupt, and or otherwise couold be called completely pointless to be in this hell hole except in you're suicidal.
What they should teach in colleges, instead of high tech, when we're outsourcing the jobs and feeding India, and wherever else the jobs are:
-How to flip Burgers
-How to get laid
-How to accept the fact that money rules this country and everything that our forefathers fought for has GONE TO SHIT. What they say they're doing on television, is just that, Television, nothing less nothing more. No bull. Tell Americans that the jobs that they need are not here, tell them that there is NO HOPE, be honest. Tell them the truth. Tell them that Sally doesn't want to Mary, settle down and have kids. Sally wants to got train fuck 5 to 12 guys at your former friends house, who she's also fucking, come back to you, and lie straight faced at your sorry desperate overspecialized ass, and go out the next day, for another 4 day romp, all around the town that you thought you could move to, because you thought it was SAFE to go there.
FUCK SCHOOL.
You don't learn shit there, really. Hate it.
They should only go to about 8th grade, I think, after that, it's just for work, and overspecialization. Then come the death, then come the death, then come the hate and the things that they WANT YOU TO DO, you are aimless.
If you can't get laid and fuck good by age 15 you should be shot dead, because, you are COMPLETELY USELESS to the machine.
my advice to you, while I'm trying to bark at you all, is... RUN, as fast as you can, as far as you can, (if you're in a place that you can, SAFELY), or give up, or shoot someone else. Don't shoot yourself. Kurt Cobain shot himself. To hell with that shit. When the pressure of selling out keeps at the backdoor like a non-ending drunk bastard that wont stop screaming and or a dog or cat that won't stop howling, take a long walk. If you're safe. Take a breath in. A deep one, if you can. Look at all that you have made, look at all that you have done. Justify your existence. Don't lie to yourself though. Lying makes it work. The only person you need to tell the real truth to, is yourself, okay? The game is to get as much of everything as you can in life. No matter whose rules you have to abide by or break to be able to get what you need. Survival of the fittest. Don't get killed. Don't get so wasted that you get knifed up. Don't get so out of it that you don't know where you are. Don't piss years of your life away trying to be something you're not. If you're an outsider, take notes.
If you're in a band or you're rich, or are a hottie or a thug. Enjoy the sex, there are people out there who'd kill for it.
Book Learners, this planet don't take too kindly to yer type round these parts.
best wishes.
-om-
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Dear Goths and Death Rockers;
I have never fit in with you. I adore you too much, I like you too much, I love how your kind are able to spill out all the emotions and can give no fuck of what another person thinks or says about you. I would eat you for breakfast, lunch, or tea. These thoughts in my head about being who I am, and doing what I do have pout me in such a spot, it's ridiculous. I don't know about midstream women. I apologize sincerely for paying too much attention and time looking at, gawking, and or talking too damn much to you if i did, I'm sorry. I dislike myself. I hate the fact that I got into a field that overspecialized me, and put myself into a box. I wish I looked better. I wish that I was hotter in some way shape or form to be able to hit all the necessary switches and whatnot. I'm not a thug, and I don't look all that pretty, i feel skinny, like a ninny, and like I fucked up beyond repair or replacement. I DID EVERYBODY'S FUCKING HOMEWORK THO, as per their threats, ... which actually came true, thank you very much. LAKE COUNTY CA. Your shores Are lined with the blood of the dead, the minority and the thinking, the less valued and the abused, the target, and the bullet itself.
Your brains won' change and I wqill fuck all that I can. Morals suck, they're for fools. You've been warned. I won't destroy, though, nor burn, rob, or destroy, unless necessary. (just destruction), I'll NEVER FRIEND FIND again. Never is a girl worth 6 pounds of weed and 8 years of hell. NEVER. Yank it if ya gotta, and if u want the real deal get a hooker in a town you don't live in, this county is so sub-decent its STUPID.
GRRRR. Gotta get out, but can't till I get it right.
Oh, the real reason I wrote this was an apology to the statement I made In: "Brainlick - DRIPS", regarding the "Fucking Goths", they were selling heroin and hitting on the woman I was trying to hook up with from Petaluma or Healdsburg and the needles and the sexual advances just made me upset. Okay, i need no more drama, nor problems, please.
Your brains won' change and I wqill fuck all that I can. Morals suck, they're for fools. You've been warned. I won't destroy, though, nor burn, rob, or destroy, unless necessary. (just destruction), I'll NEVER FRIEND FIND again. Never is a girl worth 6 pounds of weed and 8 years of hell. NEVER. Yank it if ya gotta, and if u want the real deal get a hooker in a town you don't live in, this county is so sub-decent its STUPID.
GRRRR. Gotta get out, but can't till I get it right.
Oh, the real reason I wrote this was an apology to the statement I made In: "Brainlick - DRIPS", regarding the "Fucking Goths", they were selling heroin and hitting on the woman I was trying to hook up with from Petaluma or Healdsburg and the needles and the sexual advances just made me upset. Okay, i need no more drama, nor problems, please.
ED U Kay SHUN
WHAT the fuck do we go to school for?
What the fuck for, I mena, with technology and the way that the human mind learns and with advances in technology and research techniques, it's easy to say, objectively of course, that everything that we "know", is crap, and a variable.
Look at Ardi, or Ardy, or Artie, or whatever they named the dude they found that was like 4 million years old. The crap that they shoved in our brains should only be basic shit. The shit that we should learn should be BASIC,. and nothing else. Everything else should be elective, or per choice, as per the students choice. The things that we need to learn are: Math, Science, Writng, Reading, Spelling, Understanding, Comprehension, AND SOCIAL SKILLS!!! FOR FUCKS SAKE SOCIAL SKILLS, I mean, shit, If I actually knew how to talk to girls better and if I had a chance to go to a high school that wasn't so fucking violent and corrupt, it would be wonderful. If I didn't have to worry abou where the shit was, or who the woman was with, I'd be drillin' like a FUCKIN RIG. That Is, if I wasn't so Fuckered up, and stupid. Silly Manic Depression, Trix are for Kids.... UHHHH, NO. Trix should be for other people. Yeah, that's it, Trix ARE FOR other FUCKERS, SILLY MANIC DEPRESSION.
Yep, I'm a bit of a mess, but maybe other people can learn from this mess.
And I've got my writing, thank GOD I've got my writing.
What the fuck for, I mena, with technology and the way that the human mind learns and with advances in technology and research techniques, it's easy to say, objectively of course, that everything that we "know", is crap, and a variable.
Look at Ardi, or Ardy, or Artie, or whatever they named the dude they found that was like 4 million years old. The crap that they shoved in our brains should only be basic shit. The shit that we should learn should be BASIC,. and nothing else. Everything else should be elective, or per choice, as per the students choice. The things that we need to learn are: Math, Science, Writng, Reading, Spelling, Understanding, Comprehension, AND SOCIAL SKILLS!!! FOR FUCKS SAKE SOCIAL SKILLS, I mean, shit, If I actually knew how to talk to girls better and if I had a chance to go to a high school that wasn't so fucking violent and corrupt, it would be wonderful. If I didn't have to worry abou where the shit was, or who the woman was with, I'd be drillin' like a FUCKIN RIG. That Is, if I wasn't so Fuckered up, and stupid. Silly Manic Depression, Trix are for Kids.... UHHHH, NO. Trix should be for other people. Yeah, that's it, Trix ARE FOR other FUCKERS, SILLY MANIC DEPRESSION.
Yep, I'm a bit of a mess, but maybe other people can learn from this mess.
And I've got my writing, thank GOD I've got my writing.
Nobody Remembers The Dead End Tuesdays
Hyperposession: Study A-764 Delta
Nobody Remembers The Dead End Tuesdays
by oliver mattson
The DET's were an infamous batch of hellions with a pseudo musical talent type thing. (they made loud rackets) on weekend days and partied like there was no tomorrow. Sometimes they would run amok in Ukiah, other times in Redwood Valley and Calpella and Hopland and in the Bay area, and Lake county.
some moved on.
some "grow up"
some don't play anymore at all.
Some go nuts
"Don't listen to the lyrics... I mean, like, in your head, just let them fall around you, go through the song like a tunnel, don't let the darkness of the fuckin' lyrics hit you and creep up in your head, head down, straight through, don't let em get in, okay, man?", Alex barked at the crowd. Assembled loosely in a living room, out onto a patio, and into the yard, the night was strangely warm. October 29th, 1999.
The crowd responded with a liberated and inebriated Howl back that could be heard rolling back at them through the microphone and the amps. Drums were tuned. Guitars are tuned. Vocalist was getting ready to assault the crowd with a carpet bombing of lyrics, rage and pure full throttle noise. The band had no clue.
He was getting either Oblivious, or higher than a kite on a power beyond comprehension and ready to release something on the world that was either brilliant, or damning. In his case, it was a tad bit of both, as well as a highlight of the hell to come.
Minutes before he yelled at the crowd about the fact that the lyrics were going' to be "weird" that night, he was sucking a girls tits who had hidden in the bathroom waiting for him to go in there. He forgot her name, even though they had met at least 16 times before, smoked weed on occasion and drank shots at parties and showed kindness and want to be around one another before. Alex was a tad shy, and his social skills were dogshit. "Animals know when they want to fuck each other, Alex, Dogs, Cats, Lizards & Fish, you're 23, Alex, what the fuck.... We've hooked you up with so much tail before, as per your bawling your eyes out drama prince ass requested, and they've even gone in your back room, WITH YOU, and you've BEEN NOT GETTING UP IN THERE, YOU FOOL.... What The hell's wrong with you, MAN???", Alex recalled Ben Dixon (named after the Robotech - Macross Saga Character), his current lead axe man and party assistant yelling at him in the Subaru back from Modesto after a 4 day party trip to get high, drunk, and laid. Alex didn't pick up on the girls advances, even when they were lying right next to him, he was somewhere else... He was there, physically, but... in his head... holy shit. "I don't know what the hell it is with you, man, if you don't find a way to relax you're gonna, I dunno, end up in a mess or beat up, or going gay... what the fuck, man?", besides having his head in his music, he also had his eyes on the unobtainable, a girl, whose nickname was Razer, who worked at a coffee shop, and that he had a most intense crush on, for 3 yers or so before.
"WHAT are you talking about, I just can't relax right now, man, gotta get money, gotta get drugs gotta get back home, got things to do, got songs to write, art to deal with and pushers from New York to maybe talk to.", Alex replied, putting out the lit cigarrette in the 1981 Subaru 2 door 4x4's nearly overflowing ashtray.
"You can't just leave me alone, can you sometimes, huh, Dixon??", Alex locked eyes with Bennie, before smiling like Clockwork Orange and looking at the front of the car... Alex looked around all over, examining the condidiotns... light... nope, cars around, nope.... okay, weed vision should kick in good in five... four... "Three Two One and . POW", with that Alex's grinning teeth were all that Ben could see of his hell bound driver's face, his eyes opened up like a popped top of a beer can, Alex shut off all the lights, except the yellow running lights, and turned the dashlights all the way off. "You know, you should just relax yourself, silly", Alex popped a roach into his mouth and slowed the car down, still swerving, intentionally, from rightmost side of the road to leftmost, back and forth over a lane and a half wide back road, he lit it up, grinned again, "Mellow Down, Man", ALex pulled the car over, turned up the lights, and asked his axe man if he wanted a hit. "NO way, You know I don't do that shit anymore, man, shit's illegal, how'm I gonna get a Job to get equipment?? And What the FUCK was that back there, you moron, you cuold have... We could have....", "I know I know", Alex said. "Gotten us into a wreck, sorry dude, I just wanted you to be told something, look, I don't know what it is, now who's doing it, but I got a fuckton of stress right now, and I don't know what to do about it, Thank YouVeryMuch".
"Just smoke that, and lets try to get back to main highway and get the hell back home". Ben Said, grabbing a half smoked cigarette from the ashtray, rubbing off the end. "Need a light?", Alex asked, grabbing a yellow Mini Bic from his shirt pocket and passing it to his friend. "Thanks Bro", Dixon responded, understandingly, and patiently, he put the mini lighter on the dash where Alex always liked it put while smoking running down the road, especially at night, especially at high speeds. There was a small dip in the dashboard where one could place their cigs and a lighter comfortably, Alex thought it was custom, or different than the rest of the Subaru's he'd seen that were similar models to his. He parked many a Foster's can there at ngiht, writing poetry, and reciting it to girls that would forget about him hours after they talked. Shame really.
Nobody Remembers The Dead End Tuesdays
by oliver mattson
The DET's were an infamous batch of hellions with a pseudo musical talent type thing. (they made loud rackets) on weekend days and partied like there was no tomorrow. Sometimes they would run amok in Ukiah, other times in Redwood Valley and Calpella and Hopland and in the Bay area, and Lake county.
some moved on.
some "grow up"
some don't play anymore at all.
Some go nuts
"Don't listen to the lyrics... I mean, like, in your head, just let them fall around you, go through the song like a tunnel, don't let the darkness of the fuckin' lyrics hit you and creep up in your head, head down, straight through, don't let em get in, okay, man?", Alex barked at the crowd. Assembled loosely in a living room, out onto a patio, and into the yard, the night was strangely warm. October 29th, 1999.
The crowd responded with a liberated and inebriated Howl back that could be heard rolling back at them through the microphone and the amps. Drums were tuned. Guitars are tuned. Vocalist was getting ready to assault the crowd with a carpet bombing of lyrics, rage and pure full throttle noise. The band had no clue.
He was getting either Oblivious, or higher than a kite on a power beyond comprehension and ready to release something on the world that was either brilliant, or damning. In his case, it was a tad bit of both, as well as a highlight of the hell to come.
Minutes before he yelled at the crowd about the fact that the lyrics were going' to be "weird" that night, he was sucking a girls tits who had hidden in the bathroom waiting for him to go in there. He forgot her name, even though they had met at least 16 times before, smoked weed on occasion and drank shots at parties and showed kindness and want to be around one another before. Alex was a tad shy, and his social skills were dogshit. "Animals know when they want to fuck each other, Alex, Dogs, Cats, Lizards & Fish, you're 23, Alex, what the fuck.... We've hooked you up with so much tail before, as per your bawling your eyes out drama prince ass requested, and they've even gone in your back room, WITH YOU, and you've BEEN NOT GETTING UP IN THERE, YOU FOOL.... What The hell's wrong with you, MAN???", Alex recalled Ben Dixon (named after the Robotech - Macross Saga Character), his current lead axe man and party assistant yelling at him in the Subaru back from Modesto after a 4 day party trip to get high, drunk, and laid. Alex didn't pick up on the girls advances, even when they were lying right next to him, he was somewhere else... He was there, physically, but... in his head... holy shit. "I don't know what the hell it is with you, man, if you don't find a way to relax you're gonna, I dunno, end up in a mess or beat up, or going gay... what the fuck, man?", besides having his head in his music, he also had his eyes on the unobtainable, a girl, whose nickname was Razer, who worked at a coffee shop, and that he had a most intense crush on, for 3 yers or so before.
"WHAT are you talking about, I just can't relax right now, man, gotta get money, gotta get drugs gotta get back home, got things to do, got songs to write, art to deal with and pushers from New York to maybe talk to.", Alex replied, putting out the lit cigarrette in the 1981 Subaru 2 door 4x4's nearly overflowing ashtray.
"You can't just leave me alone, can you sometimes, huh, Dixon??", Alex locked eyes with Bennie, before smiling like Clockwork Orange and looking at the front of the car... Alex looked around all over, examining the condidiotns... light... nope, cars around, nope.... okay, weed vision should kick in good in five... four... "Three Two One and . POW", with that Alex's grinning teeth were all that Ben could see of his hell bound driver's face, his eyes opened up like a popped top of a beer can, Alex shut off all the lights, except the yellow running lights, and turned the dashlights all the way off. "You know, you should just relax yourself, silly", Alex popped a roach into his mouth and slowed the car down, still swerving, intentionally, from rightmost side of the road to leftmost, back and forth over a lane and a half wide back road, he lit it up, grinned again, "Mellow Down, Man", ALex pulled the car over, turned up the lights, and asked his axe man if he wanted a hit. "NO way, You know I don't do that shit anymore, man, shit's illegal, how'm I gonna get a Job to get equipment?? And What the FUCK was that back there, you moron, you cuold have... We could have....", "I know I know", Alex said. "Gotten us into a wreck, sorry dude, I just wanted you to be told something, look, I don't know what it is, now who's doing it, but I got a fuckton of stress right now, and I don't know what to do about it, Thank YouVeryMuch".
"Just smoke that, and lets try to get back to main highway and get the hell back home". Ben Said, grabbing a half smoked cigarette from the ashtray, rubbing off the end. "Need a light?", Alex asked, grabbing a yellow Mini Bic from his shirt pocket and passing it to his friend. "Thanks Bro", Dixon responded, understandingly, and patiently, he put the mini lighter on the dash where Alex always liked it put while smoking running down the road, especially at night, especially at high speeds. There was a small dip in the dashboard where one could place their cigs and a lighter comfortably, Alex thought it was custom, or different than the rest of the Subaru's he'd seen that were similar models to his. He parked many a Foster's can there at ngiht, writing poetry, and reciting it to girls that would forget about him hours after they talked. Shame really.
Friday, October 9, 2009
anti terror schpiel.
Stop Terror.
How:
1, If we're taking our offensive tactics and forces off the "Taliban", and pushing them onto "Al-Qaeda", then what are we even doing there, isn't the Nation's Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine Corps. supposed ... This is starting to feel weird. How many more years must we even be in Afghanistan when we're just kicking dust and killing our own people. Let's start working HARD on REAL homeland secutiry and anti terror strategies.
Let's balance the economy Let's balance creativity and work on the whole of america, from the ground up. Start businesses, provide jobs to the educated and willing. Care for those who are in need of it. Balance the Arts. Balance the flotsam and jetsam of the internet and try to find a mid ground where the fan and the artist are both satisfied. Legalize marijuana. The money that will stop going to heroin sales and other drug sales and trafficking will cripple Terror organizations that relyon it for gun money and enforcements.
2- a. Put ground troops on commercial planes. - Put specialized troops that have been in the Hills in Afghanistan and in the sands of Iraq that know what they're looking for on commercial jets and planes and boats and stuff. Let them train people. Find the best of the best counter terrorist startegies and impliemnt them locally. The more work we do here, the less harm we'll have done to ourselves.
2.- b: Implemnt air patrols for pilots all across the US airspace grid. set up satellites that can track irregular movements, put in DANGER switches and Panic Buttons on the planes that lock the plane into predetermined course patterns and routes that can be disbaled by passowrd, or can't be disbaled at all.
2 - c. Incorporate trap doors in the tops of planes and build them with a compliance and training as weell as implimentation stategies.
2 - d. Put cameras on board planes, and commerical travel vessels to research patterns, and combine that data with previously established data to compose a better non intrusive mthod of being able to stop a possible attack in a more targeted and expedious manner.
2 - e: find out what the countries and areas that the terrorist come from can do to be able to provide more for themselves, if they feel they need the help, so that they may be more self sufficient, and set up safe middle partners that are agreed upon by both sides, of course, and strategies to help them implement a self sufficient economy and to be able to provide for themselves), or just leave them alone if they want us out, we should go.
3. Maybe We need to not touch the holy lands. That land is thick with old war that has raged upon that area for thousands and thousands of years. Their land is dray, the winds of war roar strong on the hills and in the sands. Anger and hatred that echo much longer than The United States have been in the base of contemplation. The same mush also be said about the Continent that we're on right now, and to realize that we (our country's makers) came from another place, across the sea, and that we went away from there to prevent injustice, to increase freedom, and to provide a better life for our people. We've touched many lives, in many ways through this voyage. Many countries have been affected by the forward thinking ways that we were granted, as liberties, by our Founders. We cannot forget that. We must also know that, with growth, comes responsibility. We have gone from one coast to another, filling the space up of this great land. We have taken its resources from nature.
4. Raw Materials.
Stop those huge containers from going to other countries that are filled with busted TV's and computers and appliances. We can mine our raw materials from there and localize through databases, connect them, in the states and ship independently from state to state thereby reducing outsourced raw materials for things that we will need to make for ourselves.
5. Manufacturing.
5 - a: Companies and Investors here in the US need to start buying up old plants, facilities, warehouses and fabrication equipment, start training people, and learn new tactics to compete electronically with other countries, and in basic goods manufacturing. The importance for recyclable material and eco-friendly strategies is key to notonly using what we have that we're not using right, but also to not hurt the planet as much during out time here.
5 - b: If new plants need to be built and new manufacturing facilities need to be built, if at all possible, use land that already had a building on it so that there is lass "fresh footprint destruction", and environmental harm done, and use space that has already been allocated for use, and not need to break new ground or mow down tress to put op a plant.
---
How:
1, If we're taking our offensive tactics and forces off the "Taliban", and pushing them onto "Al-Qaeda", then what are we even doing there, isn't the Nation's Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine Corps. supposed ... This is starting to feel weird. How many more years must we even be in Afghanistan when we're just kicking dust and killing our own people. Let's start working HARD on REAL homeland secutiry and anti terror strategies.
Let's balance the economy Let's balance creativity and work on the whole of america, from the ground up. Start businesses, provide jobs to the educated and willing. Care for those who are in need of it. Balance the Arts. Balance the flotsam and jetsam of the internet and try to find a mid ground where the fan and the artist are both satisfied. Legalize marijuana. The money that will stop going to heroin sales and other drug sales and trafficking will cripple Terror organizations that relyon it for gun money and enforcements.
2- a. Put ground troops on commercial planes. - Put specialized troops that have been in the Hills in Afghanistan and in the sands of Iraq that know what they're looking for on commercial jets and planes and boats and stuff. Let them train people. Find the best of the best counter terrorist startegies and impliemnt them locally. The more work we do here, the less harm we'll have done to ourselves.
2.- b: Implemnt air patrols for pilots all across the US airspace grid. set up satellites that can track irregular movements, put in DANGER switches and Panic Buttons on the planes that lock the plane into predetermined course patterns and routes that can be disbaled by passowrd, or can't be disbaled at all.
2 - c. Incorporate trap doors in the tops of planes and build them with a compliance and training as weell as implimentation stategies.
2 - d. Put cameras on board planes, and commerical travel vessels to research patterns, and combine that data with previously established data to compose a better non intrusive mthod of being able to stop a possible attack in a more targeted and expedious manner.
2 - e: find out what the countries and areas that the terrorist come from can do to be able to provide more for themselves, if they feel they need the help, so that they may be more self sufficient, and set up safe middle partners that are agreed upon by both sides, of course, and strategies to help them implement a self sufficient economy and to be able to provide for themselves), or just leave them alone if they want us out, we should go.
3. Maybe We need to not touch the holy lands. That land is thick with old war that has raged upon that area for thousands and thousands of years. Their land is dray, the winds of war roar strong on the hills and in the sands. Anger and hatred that echo much longer than The United States have been in the base of contemplation. The same mush also be said about the Continent that we're on right now, and to realize that we (our country's makers) came from another place, across the sea, and that we went away from there to prevent injustice, to increase freedom, and to provide a better life for our people. We've touched many lives, in many ways through this voyage. Many countries have been affected by the forward thinking ways that we were granted, as liberties, by our Founders. We cannot forget that. We must also know that, with growth, comes responsibility. We have gone from one coast to another, filling the space up of this great land. We have taken its resources from nature.
4. Raw Materials.
Stop those huge containers from going to other countries that are filled with busted TV's and computers and appliances. We can mine our raw materials from there and localize through databases, connect them, in the states and ship independently from state to state thereby reducing outsourced raw materials for things that we will need to make for ourselves.
5. Manufacturing.
5 - a: Companies and Investors here in the US need to start buying up old plants, facilities, warehouses and fabrication equipment, start training people, and learn new tactics to compete electronically with other countries, and in basic goods manufacturing. The importance for recyclable material and eco-friendly strategies is key to notonly using what we have that we're not using right, but also to not hurt the planet as much during out time here.
5 - b: If new plants need to be built and new manufacturing facilities need to be built, if at all possible, use land that already had a building on it so that there is lass "fresh footprint destruction", and environmental harm done, and use space that has already been allocated for use, and not need to break new ground or mow down tress to put op a plant.
---
Thursday, October 8, 2009
it stings.
the reality, it stings. I know.
im here for you. relax. you knew she'd do it again. You knew it. Yoiu cvould feel it, and now you know, deep down inside. you need to know deep down inside that she doesn't like you anymore and you need to move on For fuck's sake.
the pain of being alone is predicatble and you already wrote the path last nite in your head becasu you already saw this happening and everything else, you know that she lies to you consatanly, she needs to go to chicago and stay there and or back to the bay, it hurts you too much fo her to be so near to you and it's confusing as all hell wihtout a doubt its difficult, she's been doing this to youfor years and years and you can't quite let it go, why not? Let the flowers grow, leave the garden be, you are no longer the same, and she has not been yours since the day you met her. She told you she didn't think it was giong to work out and stuff, and you didn't listen, damnit.
im here for you. relax. you knew she'd do it again. You knew it. Yoiu cvould feel it, and now you know, deep down inside. you need to know deep down inside that she doesn't like you anymore and you need to move on For fuck's sake.
the pain of being alone is predicatble and you already wrote the path last nite in your head becasu you already saw this happening and everything else, you know that she lies to you consatanly, she needs to go to chicago and stay there and or back to the bay, it hurts you too much fo her to be so near to you and it's confusing as all hell wihtout a doubt its difficult, she's been doing this to youfor years and years and you can't quite let it go, why not? Let the flowers grow, leave the garden be, you are no longer the same, and she has not been yours since the day you met her. She told you she didn't think it was giong to work out and stuff, and you didn't listen, damnit.
lie to yourself, much?
I sleep in living room.
Woman Unit Sleep in back room.
I lived a lie for years. Lots of years.
I've had my head up my ass for so fucking long its ridiculous.
30 fucking years.
Woman Unit Sleep in back room.
I lived a lie for years. Lots of years.
I've had my head up my ass for so fucking long its ridiculous.
30 fucking years.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
A beast Permitted
Man is a beast.
A beast Permitted.
they should also be a beast of knowledge,
they should be a woman of kindness,
human should be:
a beast of self indeulgence,
a beast of self worth,
a beast of care,
a beast of outward awareness,
a beast of acceptance,
a beast of respect to the past,
a beast of hope to the future.
a beast that accepts the worth of the now,
a beast who thinks that this moment should be seized for all its worth, and does what they can with it, for the
pure challenge of enjoying and using the now, as well as for future use.
a beast in motion.
a forward motion.
-om-
10-02-2009
A beast Permitted.
they should also be a beast of knowledge,
they should be a woman of kindness,
human should be:
a beast of self indeulgence,
a beast of self worth,
a beast of care,
a beast of outward awareness,
a beast of acceptance,
a beast of respect to the past,
a beast of hope to the future.
a beast that accepts the worth of the now,
a beast who thinks that this moment should be seized for all its worth, and does what they can with it, for the
pure challenge of enjoying and using the now, as well as for future use.
a beast in motion.
a forward motion.
-om-
10-02-2009
hell, or oblivion, or the void, i believe is a decentralized non local zone that expands and contracts just as space breathes.
it believe that it, and heaven, or divinity, run through every spot of the universe through constant energy. we move through it, it moves through us, and is variable and changing.
lights shoot through air, sould move.
things are touched.
We think, and our thoughts move outward and inward. Sometimes what we want on the outside, Is really on the inside.
god is within us, god is outside of us. god is US.
we are children of the absolute and variable combined.
4.1 million years, we've been around.
That blows everything that we were thinking were the right things to think right out of the water. Maybe we
are descendents of "spacepeople", maybe we just evolved or are moving through a consciousness expanding spaceship that has no walls, but is the universe, itself.
-om-
10-2-09
it believe that it, and heaven, or divinity, run through every spot of the universe through constant energy. we move through it, it moves through us, and is variable and changing.
lights shoot through air, sould move.
things are touched.
We think, and our thoughts move outward and inward. Sometimes what we want on the outside, Is really on the inside.
god is within us, god is outside of us. god is US.
we are children of the absolute and variable combined.
4.1 million years, we've been around.
That blows everything that we were thinking were the right things to think right out of the water. Maybe we
are descendents of "spacepeople", maybe we just evolved or are moving through a consciousness expanding spaceship that has no walls, but is the universe, itself.
-om-
10-2-09
you know your fucked when you see question marks floating out of the ashtray, not just regular question marks, but illuminted question marks. I think it was LSD. It kept me up and I wAS HALUCINATING like hell. Watching lights dart in and out of forward and back space, from left to right. Sometimes i could "hear" them coming from the back of my mind somewhere. The front of my skull hurt like hell, in between and above my eyes. Crazy. Not fun. Jumping away from things that weren't there for everybody else must have been interesting. I believe i must have consumed it on friday at the bar in middletown. Don't know. Stayed in me for fucking days. Couldn't breathe good or sleep well. My energy field was splattered and senses were fried. I didn't choose on my will to comsume this, mind you. It was probably put in my beer while I was dancing. Bastards. Oh well, at least it's a learning tool/ experience.
we should make our own heroin
Plant Poppies For Peace, Slow Down Terorisnm.
Plant Pot For US, just SLOW DOWN.
Legalize, Localize, everybody's stoned and nobody dies.
-
damnit.
Plant Pot For US, just SLOW DOWN.
Legalize, Localize, everybody's stoned and nobody dies.
-
damnit.
the thing about substance
they kill.
they let you eat your own organs and brains, and let you slip into a
psychedelic nightmare. the things they do is amazing, and disasterous at the same time.
Regulation. Revelation.
Moderation.
Meditation.
Relaxation.
they're pushed by big corp rats and street dealers.
they push down thraos in lungs up noses and in veins.
they push like bullies on school yards and lying filthy lovers.
vying for attention and screentime, even if negative.
in our self contained nielsen ratings producing brain.
this has become a filthy filthy world and an even worse Nation.
Our founding Fathers (yep, I said It) never meant for America this crippled, this broken, this seperated.
Our drug Laws should e shredded and re-written from top to bottom.
Cops should go after big media instead of pot growers for perpetuating a violent oversexed made in China
plastic Nightmare that regurjitates old and gone ways of thought. Shapes need to change. People feed their
heads, people behave like creatures, fucking anything that moves and breathes with out recourse. We have gone beyond the low line that our best wishes and dreams and hopes should stay above. We have ditched individualism. Tossed away love. Brotherhood and strength have slipped away into a lobbyist filled dungeon and are currently screwing their interns while lying about it to CNN. CNN, having received their check, shut up about the artistic and creative injustice, and run a rerun of a story from earlier. Don't get me started on Fox News. I stabbed my TV.
Lobbyists from corporations have the big mean grasp on US, America. Do you not see that? Do you not see that Reality Television and top 40 and filth and sensationalism have filled in the cracks of what used to be a better place? Instead of looking into the hold that the cracks go, we patch them up with money, and run away to be free to be fucked and sucked off by prostitutes bought with taxpayer dollars. Let them eat cake let them do coke. Better yet. Let them be trained in a field that would overspecialize the person, and because of outsourcing and socio economics make them live at their parent's house or be homeless and make them feel real REAL good about themselves, and if they're in a ghetto, they'll maybe get into drugs and booze and get all kinds of bad shit happen and make them look back at that dishwasher's position and think, "hey, I think maybe i could do this", and ... just watch them. The Lobbyists and suits and high muckity mucks that control the socio-economic factors of this country haven't got a fucking clue about shit.
they let you eat your own organs and brains, and let you slip into a
psychedelic nightmare. the things they do is amazing, and disasterous at the same time.
Regulation. Revelation.
Moderation.
Meditation.
Relaxation.
they're pushed by big corp rats and street dealers.
they push down thraos in lungs up noses and in veins.
they push like bullies on school yards and lying filthy lovers.
vying for attention and screentime, even if negative.
in our self contained nielsen ratings producing brain.
this has become a filthy filthy world and an even worse Nation.
Our founding Fathers (yep, I said It) never meant for America this crippled, this broken, this seperated.
Our drug Laws should e shredded and re-written from top to bottom.
Cops should go after big media instead of pot growers for perpetuating a violent oversexed made in China
plastic Nightmare that regurjitates old and gone ways of thought. Shapes need to change. People feed their
heads, people behave like creatures, fucking anything that moves and breathes with out recourse. We have gone beyond the low line that our best wishes and dreams and hopes should stay above. We have ditched individualism. Tossed away love. Brotherhood and strength have slipped away into a lobbyist filled dungeon and are currently screwing their interns while lying about it to CNN. CNN, having received their check, shut up about the artistic and creative injustice, and run a rerun of a story from earlier. Don't get me started on Fox News. I stabbed my TV.
Lobbyists from corporations have the big mean grasp on US, America. Do you not see that? Do you not see that Reality Television and top 40 and filth and sensationalism have filled in the cracks of what used to be a better place? Instead of looking into the hold that the cracks go, we patch them up with money, and run away to be free to be fucked and sucked off by prostitutes bought with taxpayer dollars. Let them eat cake let them do coke. Better yet. Let them be trained in a field that would overspecialize the person, and because of outsourcing and socio economics make them live at their parent's house or be homeless and make them feel real REAL good about themselves, and if they're in a ghetto, they'll maybe get into drugs and booze and get all kinds of bad shit happen and make them look back at that dishwasher's position and think, "hey, I think maybe i could do this", and ... just watch them. The Lobbyists and suits and high muckity mucks that control the socio-economic factors of this country haven't got a fucking clue about shit.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
unclear ca part one the crud - fictiom- (RATED X)
Characters :
Zilch Overdose : (zod) a 33 yr old computer research specialist in the fields of abstract paranormal activity and artistic research, former singer / lyrics for Muck Beaten, and Flake Of Icky Stuff, The Baby Sitter Tuesday Wreck and the holder of the world title of most accidental toilets broke, also known as: DR. Zilch OD
CeeCee (CC):
Zilch's ex wife unit. Once in wahile she fucks him She's 37. She "plays" with the boys in Zilch's old the band and has the constant need for cock.
JayJay Double Easy (JJ JJDE):
Zilch's closest ex band mate from The Baby Sitter Tuesday Wreck days, not necessarily all that rad, good drug from time to time, bu very horny and evil and dont' care aboout a fucking thing at all, including not caring about banging the hell outta his old band member's chick and totally wrecking a freindship and relationship that lasted more years.
other characters
Derek-
BSTW's old guitarist- f*cking CeeCee with JJ
---
Zilch Overdose : (zod) a 33 yr old computer research specialist in the fields of abstract paranormal activity and artistic research, former singer / lyrics for Muck Beaten, and Flake Of Icky Stuff, The Baby Sitter Tuesday Wreck and the holder of the world title of most accidental toilets broke, also known as: DR. Zilch OD
CeeCee (CC):
Zilch's ex wife unit. Once in wahile she fucks him She's 37. She "plays" with the boys in Zilch's old the band and has the constant need for cock.
JayJay Double Easy (JJ JJDE):
Zilch's closest ex band mate from The Baby Sitter Tuesday Wreck days, not necessarily all that rad, good drug from time to time, bu very horny and evil and dont' care aboout a fucking thing at all, including not caring about banging the hell outta his old band member's chick and totally wrecking a freindship and relationship that lasted more years.
other characters
Derek-
BSTW's old guitarist- f*cking CeeCee with JJ
---
Thursday, September 24, 2009
that little girl's a woman she's not a doll.
hwo many times you gotta make this call,
i'm tired of hearing your damn tears, this is the last time i do this in years.
you better not sit and there and be lame
stop playing round so much with those god damn games
if you don't take yourself some time
and start playing with her,
she'll find a way to played with for sure, so
stop playin round so much with those games.
get out of our momma's house.
that place is difficult and man you got to get out.
you hear about shit on the streets and on the tv.
and mother dearest thinks it's 1963.
get out of your momma's house.
stop pouring money down the pits.
nobody cares after a certain point of shit.
after about five years flat
there's no reason why you didn't get a divorce by your cats.
stop pourin money down them pits.
Your bein' a pusheover's pushin' me.
why don't you let the past go and try to be free.
stop trying so hard to make other people happy
and besides In the end you just feel crappy.
you're bein' a pushover's pushin' me.
stop slammin down drinks all day
living like that, was not the right way
you blew away your minds, you blew away your dreams
now nothing's quite like it seems,
stop slammin down drinks all day.
find yourself in the head
find your own mind and don't let no body in.
you gotta for sure learn about this world
and everything else around
find yourself in the head.
hwo many times you gotta make this call,
i'm tired of hearing your damn tears, this is the last time i do this in years.
you better not sit and there and be lame
stop playing round so much with those god damn games
if you don't take yourself some time
and start playing with her,
she'll find a way to played with for sure, so
stop playin round so much with those games.
get out of our momma's house.
that place is difficult and man you got to get out.
you hear about shit on the streets and on the tv.
and mother dearest thinks it's 1963.
get out of your momma's house.
stop pouring money down the pits.
nobody cares after a certain point of shit.
after about five years flat
there's no reason why you didn't get a divorce by your cats.
stop pourin money down them pits.
Your bein' a pusheover's pushin' me.
why don't you let the past go and try to be free.
stop trying so hard to make other people happy
and besides In the end you just feel crappy.
you're bein' a pushover's pushin' me.
stop slammin down drinks all day
living like that, was not the right way
you blew away your minds, you blew away your dreams
now nothing's quite like it seems,
stop slammin down drinks all day.
find yourself in the head
find your own mind and don't let no body in.
you gotta for sure learn about this world
and everything else around
find yourself in the head.
Friday, September 18, 2009
fuck abiword. 2 times in 2 days. 13 pages down the shot.
Fucking ABI WORD IS CRASHING LIKE HELL and not letting me save my fucking work.
7 god damn pages i put into this fuck, and what does it do??? WHAT do you think.
Just be fore i get a chance to SAVE my fucking WORK and the thing goes straight to fuckng zero.
JUST MY LUCK
GRRRRRRR.
7 god damn pages i put into this fuck, and what does it do??? WHAT do you think.
Just be fore i get a chance to SAVE my fucking WORK and the thing goes straight to fuckng zero.
JUST MY LUCK
GRRRRRRR.
Wii Shall Overcome.
I boiught a WIi. Kind of worked off a bunch of it, paid money on the other end. Keeping it. It looks okay. A lot of the games I want are in Japanese, though, and I will need to hack it in order to get them to run on my American Wii. I've heard it's easy hacking the Wii system. I imagine it will be, i imagine it will all be cakey-wakeys and glory-up zoom zoom, whooshing me into the oh gosh i gotta get more this and get more that for it.
Not ready.
I have not the ENERGY right now to do such a thing. No energy. Shit I'm only 33 and I don't have the strength to try to put a 10 minute hack into a system. Gee Whiz.
XBOX 1 was okay. I did enough of them. I guess I'm gonna have to get a hard drive for the thing (Wii), and some other crap like straps and power adapter and another controller and I DO NOT KNOW at all if I'm gonna be able to deal with the system at all, I tried to mess around with the WiFi settings and damn near fell on the floor from my char. I don't know, I just don't know.
I've become more content with the PC, and with sugar and with Life.
People want to read my work. Nancy in Willits sounded very enthused to talk to me about stuff. I even was told that I don't need to come up with the god king Grand Pubah of novels. My words. Just my words. Naked, raw. words Get it up there. Get in contact with printshop about multiple quotes because message from 1st print shop wasn't clear. New day, new task. Get outta the pit. Send it to the hole by itself. No anchor line on it, forget, forgive. Move on.
just write, feel the flow of energy out, do not let other spectrums bother my sight. do not let the babble splash about my head so that i might remain true to my brain.
keep the dream okay. pump out the words no matter what. Keep sane. Don't let them win. Even when they knock you down and make you bleed, keep breathing, keep fighting and keep going. You've lived this long. You've made it so far. Bliss has to be around the bend. Sunshine days and warm thoughts should be sprouting. Green pastures, and less pain. Green pastures and less pain.
9-18--09
557pm
Not ready.
I have not the ENERGY right now to do such a thing. No energy. Shit I'm only 33 and I don't have the strength to try to put a 10 minute hack into a system. Gee Whiz.
XBOX 1 was okay. I did enough of them. I guess I'm gonna have to get a hard drive for the thing (Wii), and some other crap like straps and power adapter and another controller and I DO NOT KNOW at all if I'm gonna be able to deal with the system at all, I tried to mess around with the WiFi settings and damn near fell on the floor from my char. I don't know, I just don't know.
I've become more content with the PC, and with sugar and with Life.
People want to read my work. Nancy in Willits sounded very enthused to talk to me about stuff. I even was told that I don't need to come up with the god king Grand Pubah of novels. My words. Just my words. Naked, raw. words Get it up there. Get in contact with printshop about multiple quotes because message from 1st print shop wasn't clear. New day, new task. Get outta the pit. Send it to the hole by itself. No anchor line on it, forget, forgive. Move on.
just write, feel the flow of energy out, do not let other spectrums bother my sight. do not let the babble splash about my head so that i might remain true to my brain.
keep the dream okay. pump out the words no matter what. Keep sane. Don't let them win. Even when they knock you down and make you bleed, keep breathing, keep fighting and keep going. You've lived this long. You've made it so far. Bliss has to be around the bend. Sunshine days and warm thoughts should be sprouting. Green pastures, and less pain. Green pastures and less pain.
9-18--09
557pm
dash
Hide in the page.
Don't see the sun.
Ignore sounds.
Ignore sounds.
Ignore words and bad thought.
shut mind in box.
turn off the switches from time to time.
just relax.
go back to bed.
Don't see the sun.
Ignore sounds.
Ignore sounds.
Ignore words and bad thought.
shut mind in box.
turn off the switches from time to time.
just relax.
go back to bed.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wowsrers
I am a freak show. I hate all things, though, and you sir, are a liar. You are a mean little prick. I don't care about how many hookups you have and how much pussy you can get and all that other crap, You are mean and dumb, and the things that you and the fake ass hip hop plastic little shits who continue to run heavy on the walls of hate. Bring down the fist. Bring down your anger. Slow Down Your Soul.
They said that if I followed them long enough, I would fold up upon my own self. They said that the way that they showed their light was not that of a sane person and very very dangerous. The things I have done in the Christian eye would look bad. For that is the reason that I subscribe not to the new ways of the Chrisitan Church, but have much respect for them and the lord that they serve. I do care about Jesus. He's alright. He's all good. It's the people that I don't like. The people that say that the reason that they are killing people is in the right passage of the work of the Lord.
That is false, Jesus did not sentence us to War and destruction.
He granted forgiveness over our sins, so that we may learn from our errors and succeed in life and being.
We have lied to ourselves by becoming members of an isolated mindset driven society. The numbers and the dead all stack up.
Only some of that which has happened can be trusted or understood. The view is totally diffeerent now.
The experiment must now be documented. The Wordwork is the Job of the Living.
Trompe Noctem
carpe de noctum
They said that if I followed them long enough, I would fold up upon my own self. They said that the way that they showed their light was not that of a sane person and very very dangerous. The things I have done in the Christian eye would look bad. For that is the reason that I subscribe not to the new ways of the Chrisitan Church, but have much respect for them and the lord that they serve. I do care about Jesus. He's alright. He's all good. It's the people that I don't like. The people that say that the reason that they are killing people is in the right passage of the work of the Lord.
That is false, Jesus did not sentence us to War and destruction.
He granted forgiveness over our sins, so that we may learn from our errors and succeed in life and being.
We have lied to ourselves by becoming members of an isolated mindset driven society. The numbers and the dead all stack up.
Only some of that which has happened can be trusted or understood. The view is totally diffeerent now.
The experiment must now be documented. The Wordwork is the Job of the Living.
Trompe Noctem
carpe de noctum
lets not fight shall we? charles vs. OD part 2 or one or what?
"yOU CAN DO WHATEVER you fUCKING WANT, WHY ARE YOU doing this??????".\, Charles questioned.
"Look, man, leave me alone, I have to go. damnit.", I have aerrands to do. I replied.
"how come You have to go out and get fucked up all the time, dammit, man... fuck.", what;'s with all that, I mean, you used to not have to do this, now it's like... twenty fuckin' four seven and I do't know what we're gonna do with you.".. Charles spoke back with a tad of urgency in his voice, while his cell phone dropped in and out of good reception.
"Get in a different spot, man... I can't fucking hear you, where are you???", I replied again, getting louder and louder with each word and listemning to the static go up and down as his words slid through the phonelines and dripped into my waiting ears.
"WHAT IN hell, are you doing, where's my deadline, where's my Vegas, MAN???", Charles asked me in that stoner talk way that i always listened to back then.
"I dunno, where's my contract"... I popped back", "What the heck you gonna do for me, I don't need any hardware, I don't need any software and the last time i kicked out an article to you for a deadline, you freaking stiffed me because of international transfer rates and the difference between the Euro and the Dollar. Get your ass back to New York or SF, or L.A., and we'll go from there, you like the Nighlife and I need money, damnit."
"WHAOH, WHOAH WHOAH, just... whoah, man. all this stuff is getting you very upset. can I get you a callgirl, hmmm??? make you happy ? Make you feel a whole lot better."
"You need food? Whats gong on, what can I get for you, you KNOW my plastic plays like money over there. Berlin or NOT, damnit, what are you gonna do to change this all together too repetitous crap?". Charles lit a cig after that last fuming.
"Well, I Have no clue", I said back
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BOY???". Only joking Charles prodded me, made me mad. I know when the words come out. I know when the words talk, when they talk to me, I let them out, When they want out, they get out, and that's the way it's always been, the way it always will be, forever and ever. That's simply the way it should be, and IS. I cannot fight it.
"You do realize that i cannot deal with this shit, Charles?, You do know that I'm getting tired, right? And your crap pay for dirty work that I always get hell for because I was so fucked up and you needed your damn story... It ISN'T FAIR. Why can;'t I be left alone to do my work, Why don't you hook me up with E3, or that Expo down in southern california, it would be a rad shot. I don't play that many games, and I want to get back in. At least let me go to some freakin' rock shows, I haven't been in days, MAN, DAYS.". i spoke in slower tone to as to accent my words and make them clear to him, as clear as crystal, in delivery anyways, Straight to the brain and hopefully the heart of this greedy little shit. He took 60 percent of the money from my writing. He took way TOO MUCH. It Didn't help. It didn't help me moving my mom and getting em a new pad. Been in this trailer park for 5 fucking years. READY TO MOVE, yes. READY for a vacation, EVEN MORE YES.
after some small talk, i finally cracke the prick's skin.
"what do you want to do besides the game thing, O.D.?"
he asked.
"ANYTHING, anything, get me to Vegas and Tahoe and Reno for the independent Developers Gatherings, there will be hell of partying there, and a real good story, an alternative viewpoint, you know, a new perspective."
I said back quick-like, but hopefully not too quick.
"Let's see. What can you do for me, O.D., are there any chances of us not having to get company vehicles out of impound due to TRAFFICKING", or credit cards being ripped off and bars and Eateries and restaurants and Damn hotels calling us up waiting for fees for the SHIT you do. How many more times, man, how much more of this crap do we have to go through, to where you've calmed the hell DOWN? that's something I want to know, that's something My Boss wants to know. That's something the WHOLE WORLD wants TO KNOW, ... WHEN IS O.D. Gonna get his shit together?? WHEN IS O.D. MaxSin gonna get his shit TOGETHER? When Damnit"
-Charles slams front door to his house after picking up a package from a uniformed delivery person who approached the front door when OD was talking to Charles.
"JUST.... grrrrr....", Charles grumbles in frustration, while OD giggles. "Sorry about that, O., someone was at the door, a delivery.", ...
"FAR OUT", I says back. What did you get? Something for me??? Did you get a Pizza, Keg, a Fleshlight"? I heard they're awesome. How about a Realdoll?? Get ANY GAMES??, huh, fucko??? O.D. slapped back at him while he giggled like an elitist prick.
"NO NO, Nothing like that at all, as a matter of fact, its from YOUR mailing company.... Why didn't you just send this to me direct, man, we both know how hard it is sometimes. We both know this (emotion from Charles - caring), and I know how difficult it is for you to get around over there."
"Yeah, well...",
"It ain't no Hollywood, I'll give you that much.".
O.D. sighs.
"The only thing I want from you is a few good pieces so you can eventually get the fuck outta that trailer park that people threaten you to write about in, I don't want you dead, 4 am phone calls talking about you gaffing some porno mags and beef jerky is one thing, but FOR FUCKS SAKE a CORONER is NOT AN OPTION. WHAT did you learn, 8 years in college, and what DID YOU LEARN???"
....
ummmm.
...
"geee whiz", what the heck you mean,, man???"
i bounced back like a rabbit, or a spring, or something fast.
"Don't Do SPEED", a little light bulb switched on, and pumped light onto the rooms in my head that had not been lit.
"UMNMM.... ", I paused, smoking a bong rip and looking for my Marlboro Medium 100s. "HMMM.... lets see here: What did I learn? I dunno, I learned how to write about shit from you and the instructors, and how to live by life itself. I learned that You should write about what it is that you learned and always if you have a girl, they need sex, so fuck them frequently, or they're gonna cheat on you LIKE HELL. Don't Do Speed. Don't Stop doing what you like, because it's like dying inside and even if the masses or your spouse, or your "friends", or wheo ever tells you to stop doing what you want to do, you should lie to them, or tell them you're not doing whatever it is that they don't want you to do, or at least make it seem like you're still doing that thing, but DON'T really do it, because it sucks."... i breathed in a ttad... Charles was like
"WHOAH, Slow Down, man".
I know that this can work, because it worked for me around a bunch of coke-heads.
This one batch of hippies
Off the freaking chain, but I'm off the rails and miles away from their ass.
smokin'
"Look, man, leave me alone, I have to go. damnit.", I have aerrands to do. I replied.
"how come You have to go out and get fucked up all the time, dammit, man... fuck.", what;'s with all that, I mean, you used to not have to do this, now it's like... twenty fuckin' four seven and I do't know what we're gonna do with you.".. Charles spoke back with a tad of urgency in his voice, while his cell phone dropped in and out of good reception.
"Get in a different spot, man... I can't fucking hear you, where are you???", I replied again, getting louder and louder with each word and listemning to the static go up and down as his words slid through the phonelines and dripped into my waiting ears.
"WHAT IN hell, are you doing, where's my deadline, where's my Vegas, MAN???", Charles asked me in that stoner talk way that i always listened to back then.
"I dunno, where's my contract"... I popped back", "What the heck you gonna do for me, I don't need any hardware, I don't need any software and the last time i kicked out an article to you for a deadline, you freaking stiffed me because of international transfer rates and the difference between the Euro and the Dollar. Get your ass back to New York or SF, or L.A., and we'll go from there, you like the Nighlife and I need money, damnit."
"WHAOH, WHOAH WHOAH, just... whoah, man. all this stuff is getting you very upset. can I get you a callgirl, hmmm??? make you happy ? Make you feel a whole lot better."
"You need food? Whats gong on, what can I get for you, you KNOW my plastic plays like money over there. Berlin or NOT, damnit, what are you gonna do to change this all together too repetitous crap?". Charles lit a cig after that last fuming.
"Well, I Have no clue", I said back
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BOY???". Only joking Charles prodded me, made me mad. I know when the words come out. I know when the words talk, when they talk to me, I let them out, When they want out, they get out, and that's the way it's always been, the way it always will be, forever and ever. That's simply the way it should be, and IS. I cannot fight it.
"You do realize that i cannot deal with this shit, Charles?, You do know that I'm getting tired, right? And your crap pay for dirty work that I always get hell for because I was so fucked up and you needed your damn story... It ISN'T FAIR. Why can;'t I be left alone to do my work, Why don't you hook me up with E3, or that Expo down in southern california, it would be a rad shot. I don't play that many games, and I want to get back in. At least let me go to some freakin' rock shows, I haven't been in days, MAN, DAYS.". i spoke in slower tone to as to accent my words and make them clear to him, as clear as crystal, in delivery anyways, Straight to the brain and hopefully the heart of this greedy little shit. He took 60 percent of the money from my writing. He took way TOO MUCH. It Didn't help. It didn't help me moving my mom and getting em a new pad. Been in this trailer park for 5 fucking years. READY TO MOVE, yes. READY for a vacation, EVEN MORE YES.
after some small talk, i finally cracke the prick's skin.
"what do you want to do besides the game thing, O.D.?"
he asked.
"ANYTHING, anything, get me to Vegas and Tahoe and Reno for the independent Developers Gatherings, there will be hell of partying there, and a real good story, an alternative viewpoint, you know, a new perspective."
I said back quick-like, but hopefully not too quick.
"Let's see. What can you do for me, O.D., are there any chances of us not having to get company vehicles out of impound due to TRAFFICKING", or credit cards being ripped off and bars and Eateries and restaurants and Damn hotels calling us up waiting for fees for the SHIT you do. How many more times, man, how much more of this crap do we have to go through, to where you've calmed the hell DOWN? that's something I want to know, that's something My Boss wants to know. That's something the WHOLE WORLD wants TO KNOW, ... WHEN IS O.D. Gonna get his shit together?? WHEN IS O.D. MaxSin gonna get his shit TOGETHER? When Damnit"
-Charles slams front door to his house after picking up a package from a uniformed delivery person who approached the front door when OD was talking to Charles.
"JUST.... grrrrr....", Charles grumbles in frustration, while OD giggles. "Sorry about that, O., someone was at the door, a delivery.", ...
"FAR OUT", I says back. What did you get? Something for me??? Did you get a Pizza, Keg, a Fleshlight"? I heard they're awesome. How about a Realdoll?? Get ANY GAMES??, huh, fucko??? O.D. slapped back at him while he giggled like an elitist prick.
"NO NO, Nothing like that at all, as a matter of fact, its from YOUR mailing company.... Why didn't you just send this to me direct, man, we both know how hard it is sometimes. We both know this (emotion from Charles - caring), and I know how difficult it is for you to get around over there."
"Yeah, well...",
"It ain't no Hollywood, I'll give you that much.".
O.D. sighs.
"The only thing I want from you is a few good pieces so you can eventually get the fuck outta that trailer park that people threaten you to write about in, I don't want you dead, 4 am phone calls talking about you gaffing some porno mags and beef jerky is one thing, but FOR FUCKS SAKE a CORONER is NOT AN OPTION. WHAT did you learn, 8 years in college, and what DID YOU LEARN???"
....
ummmm.
...
"geee whiz", what the heck you mean,, man???"
i bounced back like a rabbit, or a spring, or something fast.
"Don't Do SPEED", a little light bulb switched on, and pumped light onto the rooms in my head that had not been lit.
"UMNMM.... ", I paused, smoking a bong rip and looking for my Marlboro Medium 100s. "HMMM.... lets see here: What did I learn? I dunno, I learned how to write about shit from you and the instructors, and how to live by life itself. I learned that You should write about what it is that you learned and always if you have a girl, they need sex, so fuck them frequently, or they're gonna cheat on you LIKE HELL. Don't Do Speed. Don't Stop doing what you like, because it's like dying inside and even if the masses or your spouse, or your "friends", or wheo ever tells you to stop doing what you want to do, you should lie to them, or tell them you're not doing whatever it is that they don't want you to do, or at least make it seem like you're still doing that thing, but DON'T really do it, because it sucks."... i breathed in a ttad... Charles was like
"WHOAH, Slow Down, man".
I know that this can work, because it worked for me around a bunch of coke-heads.
This one batch of hippies
Off the freaking chain, but I'm off the rails and miles away from their ass.
smokin'
dayz and dayz
For the longest time, I've wondered what it'd be like to assume the role of a person of power. Not necessarily really become it. Just make believe. I bet I could get waya with it. I know what I'm doing, except for REAL Stuff. I don't know what it is to make anyone satisfied, I don't know what it's like to completely make someone happy. I feel like I cannot mek people happy. It seems as if the sadness likes to lie to me, and I like to lie to me.... maybe my brain doesn't like me.
I'll never go out and try to mack on chicks in the piece of shit town again. The Doctor called me on that. Didn't even need the call, just needed to see it all falling apart after years of shit. I hurt bad.
When I found out that Hunter shot himself, it was sometime in 08. Some dark nd messed up brainframe day. Hidden behind lies and becoming larger. I had no clue. I had no clue at all. I was an idiot. I've become a monster at least 100 times. I cannot deal with the pain of "being a man". How much is redundant? Lots.
Hop in fucker. Get ready to go. NOW. Place the importance of your normal day on the backburner.
We're honking the horn. We're out in your yard. We're in your face. We're bugging your neighbors and calling your phone. We're here, we're liberated and we don't give a shit anymore. We're high on b-grade weed and cheap ass tall cans. We've got pills. We've got papers. Hurry up. Tape deck works like a charm, get your shit together. Call up anyone that you want to, I don't have enough stash for them, so piss off. Let the deadline pass. Let it all fall away. Let it all slide to the pit. Down and away, like flushing the toilet. Shut up and deal, or leave as soon as you can.
The tall can smells like surgical equipment. I don't know why. Weird. Lots of things are weird, though. Gotta deal with it. Lake County is a socio-economic deadzone that ostracizes those who think and treats book-learned people like Jews in Hitler's Germany. They didn't get me. Oh yeah, of course they GOT ME, but i'm still alive, pumping this ENEGRGY into this keyboard and out onto this screen. This is the only orgy i'm attending right now. I am frightened of attending one around here. GOD these people make my want to puke. I don't like the rdundancy. There's too damn much. Redundant, redundant.
Don't follow me, it's hard to see. You might hurt yourself. This road is best left to the different ones. Not your kind. Not your kind.
Keep your roads clear and travel in the daytime. Night trips are ony for the brave. Keep your mind. Keep your dreams. Keep what you can, and do with it what you wish. Criticize them not, for they know not, and the things they do are not the things that they know. hey are like dogs. Mindless, only eating and drinking water, and brething and barking and sleeping and fucking. And being Stupid. They are like the sand that sits down, low, and not to be brought up to the sky only to watch it fall down to when it was before and where it IS going to be, whether it likes to or not. Socio Economics. We're Screwed.
Out Source This.
I'll never go out and try to mack on chicks in the piece of shit town again. The Doctor called me on that. Didn't even need the call, just needed to see it all falling apart after years of shit. I hurt bad.
When I found out that Hunter shot himself, it was sometime in 08. Some dark nd messed up brainframe day. Hidden behind lies and becoming larger. I had no clue. I had no clue at all. I was an idiot. I've become a monster at least 100 times. I cannot deal with the pain of "being a man". How much is redundant? Lots.
Hop in fucker. Get ready to go. NOW. Place the importance of your normal day on the backburner.
We're honking the horn. We're out in your yard. We're in your face. We're bugging your neighbors and calling your phone. We're here, we're liberated and we don't give a shit anymore. We're high on b-grade weed and cheap ass tall cans. We've got pills. We've got papers. Hurry up. Tape deck works like a charm, get your shit together. Call up anyone that you want to, I don't have enough stash for them, so piss off. Let the deadline pass. Let it all fall away. Let it all slide to the pit. Down and away, like flushing the toilet. Shut up and deal, or leave as soon as you can.
The tall can smells like surgical equipment. I don't know why. Weird. Lots of things are weird, though. Gotta deal with it. Lake County is a socio-economic deadzone that ostracizes those who think and treats book-learned people like Jews in Hitler's Germany. They didn't get me. Oh yeah, of course they GOT ME, but i'm still alive, pumping this ENEGRGY into this keyboard and out onto this screen. This is the only orgy i'm attending right now. I am frightened of attending one around here. GOD these people make my want to puke. I don't like the rdundancy. There's too damn much. Redundant, redundant.
Don't follow me, it's hard to see. You might hurt yourself. This road is best left to the different ones. Not your kind. Not your kind.
Keep your roads clear and travel in the daytime. Night trips are ony for the brave. Keep your mind. Keep your dreams. Keep what you can, and do with it what you wish. Criticize them not, for they know not, and the things they do are not the things that they know. hey are like dogs. Mindless, only eating and drinking water, and brething and barking and sleeping and fucking. And being Stupid. They are like the sand that sits down, low, and not to be brought up to the sky only to watch it fall down to when it was before and where it IS going to be, whether it likes to or not. Socio Economics. We're Screwed.
Out Source This.
OD times.part one
"WHY, DAMNIT WHY??/??", Charles barked at me. 10:30 am he knows better than to call this earrly.
i can't stand when he does this. Oh well. "BERLIN Is't Goin' TO TAKE YOU, O.D., you've pushed it too freaking far, and if i get phone calls at 4:30 am over here, telling em about your crazy shit. How many more times, O... How many more times???" I met cheales a long time ago, semester one at Mendocino College in Ukiah. Good Times Of course I was only 13 or so at the time, and only began to corrupt just a tad at that point. Started smoking fuckjing cigarettes. Sonofabitch. Can't deal with it. So, "we got "reasons", to ACT THE WAY I DO, AND i GOT "REASONS", TO NOT ACT THE WAY i DO.. I have reasons for fucking everything, man".
... I hear him breathe out slightly sighing
"okay okay, why are you trippiing then, huh fucker. You don't have aany damn reason, you need to just relax.... I now I've eben telling you to DO SO for the last 13 plus god damned years, OD, you haven't been able to calm down.. The only time I can sort of trust you on a deadline is when you've been grounded at the house, when you're stone cold broke, or when you're incredibly high. All those pills, i cannot believe it. All thoses years and all those pills. Why did you start down that road? Why did you take the gray path? WHY DAMMIT MAN??", he barked, and sipped on his jack and coke on the rocks, small ice cubes rattling over the phone.
"HOW much are we gonna get next job??", I asked him back. "I Don't know if there's gonna be a next job, O.D., I don't KNOW", you've been blasted and no one trusts you anymore, I tried to even go for the Canadian Underground Market, they usually had a place for you, now we're gonna have to find another source. You used t be good when you wrote about tech stuff and music. That's when you were GOOD. Not now, all blasted and plastered and wasted and tore back. Your lifestyle is nothing to pwrite home about, and you've ebcome one of the more untrusted names in the STATE. You studied some seriously messed up dudes, Crowley, Burroughs, and that freak, Hunter Thomspon... dear god, kid, how the hell are we supposed to fix this mess?? What do we do?? I've tried getting you gigs over here in Europe and no one wants to hear your babble, and I found out that you've been banned from a bunch of bars over here, and from what I KNOW, you've never been over here nor SET Foot on the continent.
to be contd.
i can't stand when he does this. Oh well. "BERLIN Is't Goin' TO TAKE YOU, O.D., you've pushed it too freaking far, and if i get phone calls at 4:30 am over here, telling em about your crazy shit. How many more times, O... How many more times???" I met cheales a long time ago, semester one at Mendocino College in Ukiah. Good Times Of course I was only 13 or so at the time, and only began to corrupt just a tad at that point. Started smoking fuckjing cigarettes. Sonofabitch. Can't deal with it. So, "we got "reasons", to ACT THE WAY I DO, AND i GOT "REASONS", TO NOT ACT THE WAY i DO.. I have reasons for fucking everything, man".
... I hear him breathe out slightly sighing
"okay okay, why are you trippiing then, huh fucker. You don't have aany damn reason, you need to just relax.... I now I've eben telling you to DO SO for the last 13 plus god damned years, OD, you haven't been able to calm down.. The only time I can sort of trust you on a deadline is when you've been grounded at the house, when you're stone cold broke, or when you're incredibly high. All those pills, i cannot believe it. All thoses years and all those pills. Why did you start down that road? Why did you take the gray path? WHY DAMMIT MAN??", he barked, and sipped on his jack and coke on the rocks, small ice cubes rattling over the phone.
"HOW much are we gonna get next job??", I asked him back. "I Don't know if there's gonna be a next job, O.D., I don't KNOW", you've been blasted and no one trusts you anymore, I tried to even go for the Canadian Underground Market, they usually had a place for you, now we're gonna have to find another source. You used t be good when you wrote about tech stuff and music. That's when you were GOOD. Not now, all blasted and plastered and wasted and tore back. Your lifestyle is nothing to pwrite home about, and you've ebcome one of the more untrusted names in the STATE. You studied some seriously messed up dudes, Crowley, Burroughs, and that freak, Hunter Thomspon... dear god, kid, how the hell are we supposed to fix this mess?? What do we do?? I've tried getting you gigs over here in Europe and no one wants to hear your babble, and I found out that you've been banned from a bunch of bars over here, and from what I KNOW, you've never been over here nor SET Foot on the continent.
to be contd.
Monday, September 14, 2009
grvmble
sugar's cheating.
again.
with garrett this time.
and jeff.
i hate this shit.
she needs to move back to the bay.
she hates me.
i dont want to screw any chicks from around here.
they scare me.
again.
with garrett this time.
and jeff.
i hate this shit.
she needs to move back to the bay.
she hates me.
i dont want to screw any chicks from around here.
they scare me.
98 the damned maritime hall / more shit
Unity Is goin' Down....
1998- 1999
1998 was a kickass year, 'cept for some bad stuff.
Even if I was broke and messed up my car like hell in like, Novem,ber of 98 it was a very very good year. I cannot for the life of me know why so much shit went on that year that happened but it did.
I stopeed doing Meth on 7-7-98. I did it from October of 96 till then. Off and on. Fuck You Lucerne.
I went to the most Psychedelic rock show i had ever been to in my entire life.
San Francisco: Febreuary 28
8:12 pm I pull into town looking for Maritime Hall. The Damned are playing tonight. With Dave on vocals, good stong lineup, smart hooks, good riffs, and from what I had been hearing about their current state, they'd be able to hit me as hart as they were hitting in 76. Awesome. I'm so pumped I'm not reading signs for roads at all, I missed 4 blocks of signs... Lost. I asked some hell of nice people where the fuck Maritime Hall was. Found it.
As soon as I parked the car and slapped the gear into shut-down, I sparked the only bowl of killer green I had. Hot Boxed the car while people (who appeared to be on the same wavelength of musical pursuits for the evening), walked by and looked at me like I was a martian or somethings, with my discman in my lap and banging my head with headphones on, wires from stereo hanging out like the car vomitted them from the hole that housed the AM/FM Stereo Cassette player, or it was maybe before that (not in real time), when i had the stereo still, the point is, it was feb 98, and maybe i had a stereo, but i was listening to the Damned's New Rose over and over. It was a kick.. Prepping to go see a band I had wanted to see for freaking eons. The first time I heard The Damned .... I can't remember. I fell in love with their clean, sharp, and twisted delivery. My "friends", back in Lake County hated ... more like Full On Loathed The Damned. They hated punk. They hated psychedelic music. They hated a lot of the stuff I liked, and didn't get that they needed to get the fuck out of my life because i wasn't on the same page. I was trying to spread my wings and find myself and spend more time out of lake county and around people that liked me and I liked them, but it was sooo pointless to these scum that they should have left me alone. They're dense as bricks. And 2wice as mean.
anyhooz.
I was like the ONLY person who was wearing a "Machine Gun Etiquette". shirt. I got alot of nice comments from a lot of different people regarding the shirt and how hard it was to get one at that time.
I hope that things have improved and that people have been able to get the shirts that they've wanted and made all their dreams come true and that they're not running down a damn dark tunnel of chaos and confusion pushed to thrust forward with blind force due to social pressure and socio-eceonminc frustration into an ever changing exit.
Sitting about on the floor, i was smoking cigs and a roach and drinking beer, and some girls came up and said "hey, you got a lot of fucking balls to do that", I said "no way, i ain't stopping I need a head change". "I hear you", she said, and her and her two cohorts parked their carcasses by mine, i passed out 3 extra marbs and passed the roach to the chick i wanted to fuck the most. A lovely young woman who said she was 30 and a couple of other beauties.... O damn this could be fun. We smoked, her friends only talked to me for a moment about the opening band, and then it was one on one time with this hot thing. Becoming stoned and belligerent, We all agreed that the opening band was going to suck after the weed kicked in, and the 2nd beer went down. I invited he to the bar to have a brew with me, I offered Red Tail, from Hopland and Ukiah, she accepted. I talked to her about the Ukiah bands and how every weekend there was a party or a show somewhere and there were raves and we gigled and laughed, and she got damn fucking close. I should have kissed her. GRRR. We went back to a spot that we think we were sitting at before, (draw a line from bar out to middle-ish area and right across from doorway... bingo) and parked it again, she gave me a Marlboro 100 that time, 'cuz I only had like 3 or 4 left of my own stash. Three security guard people came up and addressed the 4 or 5 pods of sit-down groups, telling us that there was No Smoking allowed indoors, of anything. SHIT. We got up, and continued to talk walking over to extenguish our cigs where we were told to do so, we bantered about HOW badass SF was and HOW Badass it was to see a Band that respected psychedelic music and ENJOYED playing it... THIS GOT ME SOOO FUCKING HORNY you have NO IDEA. my brain started rushing, bits of words started sliding in and out of my head then... lust in bliss,... beer n weed kicking in... full throttle. the last stuff she said to me was "I hope they play White Rabbit, AIRPLANE, you know, they came from the UK, this is..."....me: "I KNOW, TOTALLY", I over-flamboyantly and over exuberantly, jumped in "SANFRANCSICO MOTHERFUCKER, THE PSYCHEDELIC AGE NEVER STOPPED ... WOOOOOO!!!". ... "hell yeah", she barked back. Just to piss off the Elitist Goths that were walking by looking at me like I had a seizure. "THEY"RE Not gonna play that SAD SHIT from the 80's FUCKERS. THEY"RE IN San FranFucikin' Cisco We're Getting Psychedelic HEAVY SHIT.. WHITE RAAAAAAABITTT".... I spat back at them ... she shipped in, too "WHITE RABBIT WHITE RABBIT, FUCKIN" GOTHS FUCKIN' GOTHS!!!" walked to the bar giggling like hell.
we said our check ya laters after we finished our cold ones and wandered about, never to see each other again I was supposed to maybe give her a ride up to Petaluma or Healdburg, i can't remember, but she didn't meet up with me at the end of the night. If she's dead 'cause of me. I'm sorry and feel like shit.
When the announcer came up and told us that a commercial radio station that had been pumping plastic into the air since before Cobain offed himself was one of the sponsor's, and Captain Sensible looked on from the side, when we as a crowd heard that, and as Cap's face looked over in disgust at this plastic pusher, the resounding sound bouncing off the ceiling was a rain of arrows of foul words, statements and angered boos and graonings "get off the fucikng stage PLASTICBOY".
Someone else then took center mic. They announced that the band that's opening will be on soon. within 2.5 minutes.
Okay. Good. Opening band comes in and plays some sloppier stuff and gets offstage.
I went tot he mens to leave a piss. Done, got the fuck outta there fast. smoked on way back to dance hall room.
lights go down.
...
WHOAH.
On a back projected screen above the field of view on 3 or four backdrops, we saw a movie for a few seconds... "abandon hope all ye who enter here", i think, popped up on screen, and i see Lugosi... OHHHH SIIIIITTTTTTT..... THE crowd starts up like a cold subaru on a winter morning. WOOO's start up, clapping. The techs have arrived to tune for the Damned!!!
Pills are being popped, chased by Buds and Red Tails. I'm offered blue ones, white ones, yellows and pinks. "GOT ANY CODEINE, MAN Threes DUDE, THREES!?", I yell at the pill dude who is nervous looking. He fumbles about for a bit in his jacket pockets and pulls out a small tin mint box, opened it up and finds... "Fives, I GOT FIVES MAN", he pulls out a white pill with a 5 etched into the surface. "NO WAY. I NEED THREES, MAN, NEVER DONE FIVES", I pop back at him. "DAMN, DUDE", he pauses, "you never done Fives, FUCK.", he looks around frantically and taps on the shoulder of a girl who looks like the girl that the principal thought was Ferris by the Karate Champ Arcade game in that eatery right before the baseball game, only she was wearing a tight brown leather jacket and a Rudimentary Peni shirt. "Janet, you got any Number Threes?? This is Olly, he's cool.", Pill Dude says, who I think his name was John, can't effing remember. Janet bums a cig from John and pulls a pillbottle from her handbag. Grabs two pills with the signature 3 on them and passes them to John. Who slides me the pills and i slide 'im a 5 and a promise for a beer. We seperate, John and I going to the bar to pay him off in booze for pill, and Janet off to go BS and do god knows what with some skinny mean lookin' chicks..
I return my focus to the bar, slam my beer, order another, and walk out to chill and pop a 3 and watch tuning. Bitchin' High.
Bitchin High. Soaring. Fuckin' Soaring.
The waves of energy slid in and out of my face and brain and body even before the music started. Just in tuning, when my high was on an uplhill scmush peaking and splashing back into a slime puddle of bright colors and feelings. warmth and unity. Calm before the powersurge.
The lights in that SHOW were AWESOME. WRAP AROUND psychedelic light show, from the ceiling to the floor, every wall, every inch of that place was a pumping rainbow (not gay) dripping in and out and watery and slipping like brains.
I cannnot remember the track/ set list. They did every song from their 1st album, they did encores. They played psyc songs from the 60's, they played the extended version of "Smash It Up", from "Machine Gun Etiquette", they played SOO MUCH DAMN GOOD STUFF. I think they played some Eric Burden and some really far out rando \m jamming and Captain Sensible GOD DAMN he knows how to play.
There were so many people pogo-ing that the floor felt like it was going up and down in waves from the front to the back and back to the front, UNDER YR FEET you're feeling this. Standing still or not. TONS OF ENERGY.
10 out of 10
NO fuck that 15 out of 10
-om-
1998- 1999
1998 was a kickass year, 'cept for some bad stuff.
Even if I was broke and messed up my car like hell in like, Novem,ber of 98 it was a very very good year. I cannot for the life of me know why so much shit went on that year that happened but it did.
I stopeed doing Meth on 7-7-98. I did it from October of 96 till then. Off and on. Fuck You Lucerne.
I went to the most Psychedelic rock show i had ever been to in my entire life.
San Francisco: Febreuary 28
8:12 pm I pull into town looking for Maritime Hall. The Damned are playing tonight. With Dave on vocals, good stong lineup, smart hooks, good riffs, and from what I had been hearing about their current state, they'd be able to hit me as hart as they were hitting in 76. Awesome. I'm so pumped I'm not reading signs for roads at all, I missed 4 blocks of signs... Lost. I asked some hell of nice people where the fuck Maritime Hall was. Found it.
As soon as I parked the car and slapped the gear into shut-down, I sparked the only bowl of killer green I had. Hot Boxed the car while people (who appeared to be on the same wavelength of musical pursuits for the evening), walked by and looked at me like I was a martian or somethings, with my discman in my lap and banging my head with headphones on, wires from stereo hanging out like the car vomitted them from the hole that housed the AM/FM Stereo Cassette player, or it was maybe before that (not in real time), when i had the stereo still, the point is, it was feb 98, and maybe i had a stereo, but i was listening to the Damned's New Rose over and over. It was a kick.. Prepping to go see a band I had wanted to see for freaking eons. The first time I heard The Damned .... I can't remember. I fell in love with their clean, sharp, and twisted delivery. My "friends", back in Lake County hated ... more like Full On Loathed The Damned. They hated punk. They hated psychedelic music. They hated a lot of the stuff I liked, and didn't get that they needed to get the fuck out of my life because i wasn't on the same page. I was trying to spread my wings and find myself and spend more time out of lake county and around people that liked me and I liked them, but it was sooo pointless to these scum that they should have left me alone. They're dense as bricks. And 2wice as mean.
anyhooz.
I was like the ONLY person who was wearing a "Machine Gun Etiquette". shirt. I got alot of nice comments from a lot of different people regarding the shirt and how hard it was to get one at that time.
I hope that things have improved and that people have been able to get the shirts that they've wanted and made all their dreams come true and that they're not running down a damn dark tunnel of chaos and confusion pushed to thrust forward with blind force due to social pressure and socio-eceonminc frustration into an ever changing exit.
Sitting about on the floor, i was smoking cigs and a roach and drinking beer, and some girls came up and said "hey, you got a lot of fucking balls to do that", I said "no way, i ain't stopping I need a head change". "I hear you", she said, and her and her two cohorts parked their carcasses by mine, i passed out 3 extra marbs and passed the roach to the chick i wanted to fuck the most. A lovely young woman who said she was 30 and a couple of other beauties.... O damn this could be fun. We smoked, her friends only talked to me for a moment about the opening band, and then it was one on one time with this hot thing. Becoming stoned and belligerent, We all agreed that the opening band was going to suck after the weed kicked in, and the 2nd beer went down. I invited he to the bar to have a brew with me, I offered Red Tail, from Hopland and Ukiah, she accepted. I talked to her about the Ukiah bands and how every weekend there was a party or a show somewhere and there were raves and we gigled and laughed, and she got damn fucking close. I should have kissed her. GRRR. We went back to a spot that we think we were sitting at before, (draw a line from bar out to middle-ish area and right across from doorway... bingo) and parked it again, she gave me a Marlboro 100 that time, 'cuz I only had like 3 or 4 left of my own stash. Three security guard people came up and addressed the 4 or 5 pods of sit-down groups, telling us that there was No Smoking allowed indoors, of anything. SHIT. We got up, and continued to talk walking over to extenguish our cigs where we were told to do so, we bantered about HOW badass SF was and HOW Badass it was to see a Band that respected psychedelic music and ENJOYED playing it... THIS GOT ME SOOO FUCKING HORNY you have NO IDEA. my brain started rushing, bits of words started sliding in and out of my head then... lust in bliss,... beer n weed kicking in... full throttle. the last stuff she said to me was "I hope they play White Rabbit, AIRPLANE, you know, they came from the UK, this is..."....me: "I KNOW, TOTALLY", I over-flamboyantly and over exuberantly, jumped in "SANFRANCSICO MOTHERFUCKER, THE PSYCHEDELIC AGE NEVER STOPPED ... WOOOOOO!!!". ... "hell yeah", she barked back. Just to piss off the Elitist Goths that were walking by looking at me like I had a seizure. "THEY"RE Not gonna play that SAD SHIT from the 80's FUCKERS. THEY"RE IN San FranFucikin' Cisco We're Getting Psychedelic HEAVY SHIT.. WHITE RAAAAAAABITTT".... I spat back at them ... she shipped in, too "WHITE RABBIT WHITE RABBIT, FUCKIN" GOTHS FUCKIN' GOTHS!!!" walked to the bar giggling like hell.
we said our check ya laters after we finished our cold ones and wandered about, never to see each other again I was supposed to maybe give her a ride up to Petaluma or Healdburg, i can't remember, but she didn't meet up with me at the end of the night. If she's dead 'cause of me. I'm sorry and feel like shit.
When the announcer came up and told us that a commercial radio station that had been pumping plastic into the air since before Cobain offed himself was one of the sponsor's, and Captain Sensible looked on from the side, when we as a crowd heard that, and as Cap's face looked over in disgust at this plastic pusher, the resounding sound bouncing off the ceiling was a rain of arrows of foul words, statements and angered boos and graonings "get off the fucikng stage PLASTICBOY".
Someone else then took center mic. They announced that the band that's opening will be on soon. within 2.5 minutes.
Okay. Good. Opening band comes in and plays some sloppier stuff and gets offstage.
I went tot he mens to leave a piss. Done, got the fuck outta there fast. smoked on way back to dance hall room.
lights go down.
...
WHOAH.
On a back projected screen above the field of view on 3 or four backdrops, we saw a movie for a few seconds... "abandon hope all ye who enter here", i think, popped up on screen, and i see Lugosi... OHHHH SIIIIITTTTTTT..... THE crowd starts up like a cold subaru on a winter morning. WOOO's start up, clapping. The techs have arrived to tune for the Damned!!!
Pills are being popped, chased by Buds and Red Tails. I'm offered blue ones, white ones, yellows and pinks. "GOT ANY CODEINE, MAN Threes DUDE, THREES!?", I yell at the pill dude who is nervous looking. He fumbles about for a bit in his jacket pockets and pulls out a small tin mint box, opened it up and finds... "Fives, I GOT FIVES MAN", he pulls out a white pill with a 5 etched into the surface. "NO WAY. I NEED THREES, MAN, NEVER DONE FIVES", I pop back at him. "DAMN, DUDE", he pauses, "you never done Fives, FUCK.", he looks around frantically and taps on the shoulder of a girl who looks like the girl that the principal thought was Ferris by the Karate Champ Arcade game in that eatery right before the baseball game, only she was wearing a tight brown leather jacket and a Rudimentary Peni shirt. "Janet, you got any Number Threes?? This is Olly, he's cool.", Pill Dude says, who I think his name was John, can't effing remember. Janet bums a cig from John and pulls a pillbottle from her handbag. Grabs two pills with the signature 3 on them and passes them to John. Who slides me the pills and i slide 'im a 5 and a promise for a beer. We seperate, John and I going to the bar to pay him off in booze for pill, and Janet off to go BS and do god knows what with some skinny mean lookin' chicks..
I return my focus to the bar, slam my beer, order another, and walk out to chill and pop a 3 and watch tuning. Bitchin' High.
Bitchin High. Soaring. Fuckin' Soaring.
The waves of energy slid in and out of my face and brain and body even before the music started. Just in tuning, when my high was on an uplhill scmush peaking and splashing back into a slime puddle of bright colors and feelings. warmth and unity. Calm before the powersurge.
The lights in that SHOW were AWESOME. WRAP AROUND psychedelic light show, from the ceiling to the floor, every wall, every inch of that place was a pumping rainbow (not gay) dripping in and out and watery and slipping like brains.
I cannnot remember the track/ set list. They did every song from their 1st album, they did encores. They played psyc songs from the 60's, they played the extended version of "Smash It Up", from "Machine Gun Etiquette", they played SOO MUCH DAMN GOOD STUFF. I think they played some Eric Burden and some really far out rando \m jamming and Captain Sensible GOD DAMN he knows how to play.
There were so many people pogo-ing that the floor felt like it was going up and down in waves from the front to the back and back to the front, UNDER YR FEET you're feeling this. Standing still or not. TONS OF ENERGY.
10 out of 10
NO fuck that 15 out of 10
-om-
alex strangedayz and the crystal spook
concept:
"DON'T KURT YOURSELF"
-
NEW ANTI SUICIDE CAMPAIGN
TARGETING INDEPENDENT THINKERS /
CREATIVE ENTITIES, MUSICIANS,
PERFORMERS, WRITERS AND STUFF.
"DON'T KURT YOURSELF"
-
NEW ANTI SUICIDE CAMPAIGN
TARGETING INDEPENDENT THINKERS /
CREATIVE ENTITIES, MUSICIANS,
PERFORMERS, WRITERS AND STUFF.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
hoohah
I beelive that my art and music and writing would have had a better chance 20 years ago.
I don't know why....
Maybe, maybe not, but without all that has happened and all that i've learned and need to use... maybe if i... NO,
IT ISN"T me this time.
we were better off financially back then and therefore we had a more balanced spectrum n regards to artistic and social aspects and applications.
the deficit wasn't 9 trillion dollars. we had things made in America. I liked working. It's pointless now. I
don't want to goto school, nor am i brave enough to do so. Trust me, it's better this way.
Socio economics and old rules are killing us. If the deficit wasn't so large and we didn't let the governemrnt sell our assets and materials necessities to China to pay back our own freaking debt from buying their crap, with our deteriorating dollar, that we don't know how to spend, 'cause we're all corn-fed goons now. Zombified in our plugged in bliss. What is happening now was beyond my dreams but also not quite what i was hoping for in the realm of technology and poplular applications.
There seems to be less unity now due to social stigma and the same isolated mindsets that i continue to blabber about that just continue to roll over free-framed mentalities and like minded people like the treads of a tank over the unsupecting dead.
So... how do we fix it???
1. Try buying st thrift shops. Not only will you save your money and get your green on by re-using a thing that ain't gonna be needed to be made again (at least not right then), but by shopping at such places we're helping out community, helping organizations that help people, etc, but we're also localizing our raw materials and resources. think about it. Less money for foreign and corrupt entities.
To be cont'd.... maybe.
I don't know why....
Maybe, maybe not, but without all that has happened and all that i've learned and need to use... maybe if i... NO,
IT ISN"T me this time.
we were better off financially back then and therefore we had a more balanced spectrum n regards to artistic and social aspects and applications.
the deficit wasn't 9 trillion dollars. we had things made in America. I liked working. It's pointless now. I
don't want to goto school, nor am i brave enough to do so. Trust me, it's better this way.
Socio economics and old rules are killing us. If the deficit wasn't so large and we didn't let the governemrnt sell our assets and materials necessities to China to pay back our own freaking debt from buying their crap, with our deteriorating dollar, that we don't know how to spend, 'cause we're all corn-fed goons now. Zombified in our plugged in bliss. What is happening now was beyond my dreams but also not quite what i was hoping for in the realm of technology and poplular applications.
There seems to be less unity now due to social stigma and the same isolated mindsets that i continue to blabber about that just continue to roll over free-framed mentalities and like minded people like the treads of a tank over the unsupecting dead.
So... how do we fix it???
1. Try buying st thrift shops. Not only will you save your money and get your green on by re-using a thing that ain't gonna be needed to be made again (at least not right then), but by shopping at such places we're helping out community, helping organizations that help people, etc, but we're also localizing our raw materials and resources. think about it. Less money for foreign and corrupt entities.
To be cont'd.... maybe.
be careful of past walked paths
Regarding going back to a trashed old house of yours from when you were younger:
Hey.
I'd say you're playing with fire because the way my brain acted up after i looked for an old mobile me and Mom and Dad lived and then he passed away, it was all changed or someone put in another mobile there, but it just wasn't the same.
The layout of the driveways and driveways were different, the little field where there was a tree and a place to play football, and run around was paved over completely. There were places taken out, places put in and lots and lots of immigrants. It used to be nice. I used to have such happy times there, and it ... it was so surreal and upsetting. I was blotto and totally emo for like 2 or three weeks.
Be careful. Please.
Hey.
I'd say you're playing with fire because the way my brain acted up after i looked for an old mobile me and Mom and Dad lived and then he passed away, it was all changed or someone put in another mobile there, but it just wasn't the same.
The layout of the driveways and driveways were different, the little field where there was a tree and a place to play football, and run around was paved over completely. There were places taken out, places put in and lots and lots of immigrants. It used to be nice. I used to have such happy times there, and it ... it was so surreal and upsetting. I was blotto and totally emo for like 2 or three weeks.
Be careful. Please.
Friday, September 11, 2009
p!ssed
People shouldn't be judged or tortured for their beliefs.
People should be allowed to be them selves.
People love and hate Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ was cool because he cared about people.
People who kill peple that they think are bad because the Church or the main mindframes of dead principle and isolation, of hate and fear, told them to do so make me upset.
let's walk softly here, shall we.
To draw a line of judgement upon another person is not right. But then again judgement or at least ... internal protection sometimes happens.
Sometimes I Judge people myself.
We are taught to behave and act in certain mannerisms in such a systematically precise way, and it slides right on into our heads and eyes through our institutions, Learning systems and methods, and commercial media.
The lines of "Church", and State began blurring, I believe either in the Early 20th century, (pre WW1??) or the 13th or 14th century. (Magna Carta, the beginning of the expansion of the European Empire)
Is it because of repeted conditioning, and brainwashing effects and socioeconomic boundary lines?
How much of this is about money? How about inablity to change due to brainwashing like cornfed cattle being fattened for the slaughter. We go to school to learn a job, to work that job and pump money into a deficit and live a "Life", that they say is the way to be, and that we can not change... we can not behave beyond the boundaries of what we were Taught to "DO", and to not stray from the bounds that society and system puts on us Metamorphosis. Change. We all wish for it. Why are we at war. Why do we realize that we are just beasts and work up from there. Say, "Hey, we like to get high, let's fix it so that we can get High here in our own country on our own soil without having to pump money into other places that might hurt US. That's what it's about money going where ppl dont like US.
People should be allowed to be them selves.
People love and hate Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ was cool because he cared about people.
People who kill peple that they think are bad because the Church or the main mindframes of dead principle and isolation, of hate and fear, told them to do so make me upset.
let's walk softly here, shall we.
To draw a line of judgement upon another person is not right. But then again judgement or at least ... internal protection sometimes happens.
Sometimes I Judge people myself.
We are taught to behave and act in certain mannerisms in such a systematically precise way, and it slides right on into our heads and eyes through our institutions, Learning systems and methods, and commercial media.
The lines of "Church", and State began blurring, I believe either in the Early 20th century, (pre WW1??) or the 13th or 14th century. (Magna Carta, the beginning of the expansion of the European Empire)
Is it because of repeted conditioning, and brainwashing effects and socioeconomic boundary lines?
How much of this is about money? How about inablity to change due to brainwashing like cornfed cattle being fattened for the slaughter. We go to school to learn a job, to work that job and pump money into a deficit and live a "Life", that they say is the way to be, and that we can not change... we can not behave beyond the boundaries of what we were Taught to "DO", and to not stray from the bounds that society and system puts on us Metamorphosis. Change. We all wish for it. Why are we at war. Why do we realize that we are just beasts and work up from there. Say, "Hey, we like to get high, let's fix it so that we can get High here in our own country on our own soil without having to pump money into other places that might hurt US. That's what it's about money going where ppl dont like US.
awareness of the self part what version what completion what.
ud.
I'm not right.
I'm not sure how long it's been snce i actually probably was.
i don't know who's thoughts i had in my head for so long now, it's weird.
its strange
...
...
i'm fine, im writing. a vacation in my own skull, the sweet sounds of words splashing on the shore of the beach, with a bevvy of beautiful sentences surrounding me. i'm free here, on these pages.
my body disappears.
worrying about how i look to others slides away in the night like a fast dealer.
my body's living breathing skin doesn't pick on me, less pain on the page. less pain.
can't keep going the way i was.
Need a different game.
No need to get up like the rest do.
Tried it, Failed. What's next. run on the ink. Instead of the streets. Break words per minute speed limit instead of miles per hour and booze and drug intake by minute. Slow down, man. Death makes people straight up STOP. SLOW DOWN.
Feel less pain, be here.
be where in your head where you can be, but BE HERE for crying out loud, listen to YOUR heart.
FIND a fucking agent and get these damn words out of your head. "Wastoid in a Deadzone" is Not A
JOB.TITLE, NOR permit-able on a resume.
I'm not right.
I'm not sure how long it's been snce i actually probably was.
i don't know who's thoughts i had in my head for so long now, it's weird.
its strange
...
...
i'm fine, im writing. a vacation in my own skull, the sweet sounds of words splashing on the shore of the beach, with a bevvy of beautiful sentences surrounding me. i'm free here, on these pages.
my body disappears.
worrying about how i look to others slides away in the night like a fast dealer.
my body's living breathing skin doesn't pick on me, less pain on the page. less pain.
can't keep going the way i was.
Need a different game.
No need to get up like the rest do.
Tried it, Failed. What's next. run on the ink. Instead of the streets. Break words per minute speed limit instead of miles per hour and booze and drug intake by minute. Slow down, man. Death makes people straight up STOP. SLOW DOWN.
Feel less pain, be here.
be where in your head where you can be, but BE HERE for crying out loud, listen to YOUR heart.
FIND a fucking agent and get these damn words out of your head. "Wastoid in a Deadzone" is Not A
JOB.TITLE, NOR permit-able on a resume.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
09 10 09 entry one
Metal and punk were coming out at the same time in America and Britain.
Birmingham: Where Sabbath was From = Steel Work
Detroit, Michigan= Where cars USED to come from
First truly considered band to be heavy metal in Europe: Black Sabbath / Earth
1st punk and metal bands in the states: MC5 and the Stooges
MC5 + Stooges October 30/31 Grande Ballroom 1968.
First Punk. (kick out the jams - mc5 + real cool time - stooges)
First (USA) Metal (in my own opinion)- Starship - mc5
btw: evil woman was recorded 1st by "Crow", in 67.
all of this shit stemmed from heavy atmospheres and tensions due to the worker environment in the UK, and the uprisings and political torment and assassinations of 68 here in the states. Not to mention that the UK was a hotbed of Mod Vs. Rocker violence, as highlighted in such films as The Who's Quadrophenia. Lines become drawn and friendships deteriorated, blah blah blah read something.
yep, metal and punk were gelling before Woodstock.
homework: it's for you.
Birmingham: Where Sabbath was From = Steel Work
Detroit, Michigan= Where cars USED to come from
First truly considered band to be heavy metal in Europe: Black Sabbath / Earth
1st punk and metal bands in the states: MC5 and the Stooges
MC5 + Stooges October 30/31 Grande Ballroom 1968.
First Punk. (kick out the jams - mc5 + real cool time - stooges)
First (USA) Metal (in my own opinion)- Starship - mc5
btw: evil woman was recorded 1st by "Crow", in 67.
all of this shit stemmed from heavy atmospheres and tensions due to the worker environment in the UK, and the uprisings and political torment and assassinations of 68 here in the states. Not to mention that the UK was a hotbed of Mod Vs. Rocker violence, as highlighted in such films as The Who's Quadrophenia. Lines become drawn and friendships deteriorated, blah blah blah read something.
yep, metal and punk were gelling before Woodstock.
homework: it's for you.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
90909 entry 1
THIS IS NOT A TEXT BOOK, IT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED FICTION, CUZ I DON'T KNOW
NOTHING, NOR AM I EVEN CLEAR.
Happy 999 everybody.
John, and George, I hope you're out there, across the Universe, having one hell of a time, or here, enjoying the light shining on all the beautiful music that You guys made. You brought the world something that we all needed, but weren't expecting. Something that not only blew our minds, but opened our hearts and eyes. Patching up the pages from black and white to a mesmerizing psychedelic rainbow, from violent brawling beer guzzling and pill popping days in the underground, to shining sharply on Sullivan, and taking us to the never ending Strawberry Fields, and a ride on a fantastic Submarine. We wrapped our visit on a rooftop. On the edge of what would become the decade of disco and punk. Right on the curve of what would become the main strain seeds of what would become punk and metal in 68. They brought the green fire into the heart of the plastic trashpile. Sparked it up, and let that bonfire burn. We know that We know that pop music would not be the same. We know that. PLEASE understand that thee is no one type or another type of music, but only the artists name, for music is simply, and complexly just music. Just as we are,
simply,
and complexly,
the human race.
Ringo's poems in the rhythm, George's smooth tone in his riffs, Paul's screams, and John's Barking. Pure fucking power.
Take care fellow heads. Nothing would be the same without them. For we should wish that the people that wish to be here for the next 9-09-09 have a tidy and nice world to be in, without anger and violence, and that life be worshiped and cared about, and minds be thought about and cared about and hearts and bodies be cared about. and selves, be thought of and cared about.
thank you life for giving me this day and this chance to say these things. thank you god and thank you Jesus, and Buddha, and Lucifer for we all are one, and all shall be forgiven, and man behaves is if a beast for he is one.
all under the cradle of the stars. all in the universe are one.
be mello.
NOTHING, NOR AM I EVEN CLEAR.
Happy 999 everybody.
John, and George, I hope you're out there, across the Universe, having one hell of a time, or here, enjoying the light shining on all the beautiful music that You guys made. You brought the world something that we all needed, but weren't expecting. Something that not only blew our minds, but opened our hearts and eyes. Patching up the pages from black and white to a mesmerizing psychedelic rainbow, from violent brawling beer guzzling and pill popping days in the underground, to shining sharply on Sullivan, and taking us to the never ending Strawberry Fields, and a ride on a fantastic Submarine. We wrapped our visit on a rooftop. On the edge of what would become the decade of disco and punk. Right on the curve of what would become the main strain seeds of what would become punk and metal in 68. They brought the green fire into the heart of the plastic trashpile. Sparked it up, and let that bonfire burn. We know that We know that pop music would not be the same. We know that. PLEASE understand that thee is no one type or another type of music, but only the artists name, for music is simply, and complexly just music. Just as we are,
simply,
and complexly,
the human race.
Ringo's poems in the rhythm, George's smooth tone in his riffs, Paul's screams, and John's Barking. Pure fucking power.
Take care fellow heads. Nothing would be the same without them. For we should wish that the people that wish to be here for the next 9-09-09 have a tidy and nice world to be in, without anger and violence, and that life be worshiped and cared about, and minds be thought about and cared about and hearts and bodies be cared about. and selves, be thought of and cared about.
thank you life for giving me this day and this chance to say these things. thank you god and thank you Jesus, and Buddha, and Lucifer for we all are one, and all shall be forgiven, and man behaves is if a beast for he is one.
all under the cradle of the stars. all in the universe are one.
be mello.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
real cool time
How Come Micheal Jackson go sooo much attention and Ron Asheton didn't get a damn thing as far as coverage goes in regards to his passing???
Big Media, and Big Money. The feeds that we get rammed down our throats on a nanosecond to nanosecond basis are not the things that we need. The minds that we have to deal with are not those of that which we need. We can not continue to do this to ourselves. We are dying. We are not doing that good.
We are fractured, we are damaged, we are not the same.
We are the ones who can cut through the glass but don't even know our own names.
Why are the things that bring us light, bring us quickly down just as fast.
And with foul forces we threaten divorces, from love, and from life, what a blast.
today should be identified in these notes as a strange dog. a strange one indeed. quietly it turns to a shadow, not letting me catch up to it... keeping at it's 6 o clock i chased its path for a good 4 to 6 minutes, huffing and puffing, hands on knees head tilted towards it,
it looks at me, lies, takes what it can... and disappears.
strange dog indeed.
Big Media, and Big Money. The feeds that we get rammed down our throats on a nanosecond to nanosecond basis are not the things that we need. The minds that we have to deal with are not those of that which we need. We can not continue to do this to ourselves. We are dying. We are not doing that good.
We are fractured, we are damaged, we are not the same.
We are the ones who can cut through the glass but don't even know our own names.
Why are the things that bring us light, bring us quickly down just as fast.
And with foul forces we threaten divorces, from love, and from life, what a blast.
today should be identified in these notes as a strange dog. a strange one indeed. quietly it turns to a shadow, not letting me catch up to it... keeping at it's 6 o clock i chased its path for a good 4 to 6 minutes, huffing and puffing, hands on knees head tilted towards it,
it looks at me, lies, takes what it can... and disappears.
strange dog indeed.
Self Containment, Self Reliance are keys to stopping terror. WorldWide.
STOP BUYING OPIUM FROM OTHER COUNTRIES.
GROW OUR OWN STUFF FOR OUR OWN DRUGS. NOT MEXICO, NOT AFGHANISTAN, NOT ANYWHERE ELSE BUT HERE.
Have the other countries make their own drugs too, that way,they will be forced to at least self contain the economics of their OWN addictions in their own border without external influence. Yes, it will hurt many entities, but I believe that Afghanistan, Iraq, Mexico, the places with the good coke, and maybe even America can truly benefit. We are a strong thing, us human beings, we are very strong. We Can survive.
3 steps:
REALIZE - The world likes getting High/ We Have a Drug Issue
LEGALIZE - Stop Taxpayer Money Going Down the Tubes, put more dangerous priorities in
the hands of Police and stop non violent people from going to jail.
LOCALIZE - Trafficking = Terrorism / Crime... duh.
Grow our own Opium = No need to get it from other countries.
Make our own cocaine = same thing.
Legalize weed = It'll be like a firey uppercut from Street Fighter 2 to the guts of the American Economy. Not to mention all the other stuff. Everybody wants cool stuff when they're high. Everybody wants A LOT of cool stuff when they're high. Let's Get buses from Speakeasy pot parlors that go to music shops, bookstores, electronic entertainment shops, and of course Eateries.
There should also be trams available to clothing boutiques and some other places that i can't quite think of right now.
Maybe it's time that we stop "asking what we can do for our Country", and start looking at what we can do for ourselves because the "human", being hasn't been all that human lately. And "a stronger self = a stronger Country."
-om-
GROW OUR OWN STUFF FOR OUR OWN DRUGS. NOT MEXICO, NOT AFGHANISTAN, NOT ANYWHERE ELSE BUT HERE.
Have the other countries make their own drugs too, that way,they will be forced to at least self contain the economics of their OWN addictions in their own border without external influence. Yes, it will hurt many entities, but I believe that Afghanistan, Iraq, Mexico, the places with the good coke, and maybe even America can truly benefit. We are a strong thing, us human beings, we are very strong. We Can survive.
3 steps:
REALIZE - The world likes getting High/ We Have a Drug Issue
LEGALIZE - Stop Taxpayer Money Going Down the Tubes, put more dangerous priorities in
the hands of Police and stop non violent people from going to jail.
LOCALIZE - Trafficking = Terrorism / Crime... duh.
Grow our own Opium = No need to get it from other countries.
Make our own cocaine = same thing.
Legalize weed = It'll be like a firey uppercut from Street Fighter 2 to the guts of the American Economy. Not to mention all the other stuff. Everybody wants cool stuff when they're high. Everybody wants A LOT of cool stuff when they're high. Let's Get buses from Speakeasy pot parlors that go to music shops, bookstores, electronic entertainment shops, and of course Eateries.
There should also be trams available to clothing boutiques and some other places that i can't quite think of right now.
Maybe it's time that we stop "asking what we can do for our Country", and start looking at what we can do for ourselves because the "human", being hasn't been all that human lately. And "a stronger self = a stronger Country."
-om-
what is this, i don't even....
people say that I "DO TOO MANY DRUGS", and consume too much of everything that i consume. Even Sin. Failed dreams, holding on the black shadows of night and not letting them run away like the dawn breaking on the horizon... to incur shadows walking towards me, is that all this life is for??? is it all that I can BE?? AM I doing all I can for myself, my life and dare I say t, my country.
Feh.
I don't know if I should care if I did enough for my country of my community. I think I did a lot, and I think I can take a break now. I cannot flip Burgers. Hips and back and paranoid schizo hallucinations and pain induced rage aren't really things you want in a fast food establishment. DON'T YOU DARE put me in retail. I CANNOT DO THAT ANYMORE. The last time I tried working in retail I just about wounded some people and did far too much damage to myself to mention. Treated self and others like garbage, let my morals slip down and fall apart. Became a fiend for every chemical capable of altering my mind, easing the pain in my body, or bringing a slice of sunshine onto this grey grey field.
When you've gone ... far, and you know you've ... gone far.... Sometimes the only thing left we can do is sit down and write about it. People been telling me that I write good. People say that I write hell of good and that I should have an agent and that I should be selling books and articles and making money and getting the hell outta this hole I'm stuck in. Hard to do. The hole walks with me. Like Daddy's little Grey cloud that followed him around. Hovering just overhead, raining on him at any moment, I presume. There are no venues around here (NOR Do I want there to be), for writers to be able to grab a mic and run off some spoken word stuff and kick out some "jams", of a different kind. The music scene and art scene and my will and desire and urge for revenge are totally not on the same page as each other.
Is it "fair", for me to feel like there are enough words in the world, and if I stopped typing, it will be the same??? NO, because these words coming out here are my blood and my spit and my sweat and my tears and my emotions, and all that other crap.
Shit.
You know...
after looking back at the last 5 years of stupid bullshit around here.... I have to ask... WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO GET OUTTA THIS??? Yes I fucked up. I admit it. Yes, some of the things I did are not, nor ever shall be excusable. Especailly when I was drunk, I hate being but also love being blitzed, i feel like a god and not a whiney broke basterd who can't do jack for themselves cuz he's such a pushover. I have no clue how I'm gonna get outta this hole. I have no clue how I'm gonna do it but I gotta get the hell outta Clearlake. It's ripping me up. and Tearing me down.
I just got told I pent all my money on booze, drugs, and games I don't even play. That's not true, I like MY TV TOPPERS, and I bought cigs.
I need a bunker, a handler, a driver, a cook, and lots OF SPACE between me and them.... Keep me away from them. SHIT. Feels like I dripped into a vial, and got mixed up with something very strange, and got stirred up and poured back out. Linear thought is gone. Totally gone.
Just reaction. This to me, is like death. Braindeath is DEATH.
too many head shots. too much brain injury. static disconnection. pulverized by media's perspectives and jumbled aspects forged by big money contracts and self destructive puppet mode induction, we watch the screen and read the ticker. To find out who's dead, and who's getting sicker. We try to raise fingers, and with them we point, but at what target, get me outta this joint.
just change the channel, it's all dial twisting. screaming at mile long walls, and no one is listening. When the blood is all dried up, it just blows away, and nothing ever changes, in Clearlake today. But isn't just this teeny tiny place, where money and power and greed run the race. It's not what you know, or how much you've learnt, it's how many beaten, and how many homes burnt. The whole planet suffered after 9/11. The game changed. The machine got up, walked in, and took over. Now we feel like everything SUCKS, and everything is shit, and I have no clue how long it'll be before we come out of it, nor if we'll come out of this thing at all. The edges of the hole are going out farther and farther and it frightens me. BOREDOM IS the Crack in the pavemnt that eats the being. Boredom will cause one to trip on that sidewalk and fall ... straight down. This place is FILLED with nothing. Bottomless like that GODDAMNED LAKE. Oh how I hate thee, Clearlake.
If you are a parent and you want to move to Lake County, and your kid's into books and reading and silly little shit like that, and they're like 13 or so. And they don't have shit for social skills, and IF THEY'RE NAIVE AND GULLIBLE, Do yourself a favor and shoot them in the face. Move to Lake County afterwords. Save the 20 years of hell for the kid and you, and shoot them in the fucking face and kill them, it's a lot less bullshit that way. Cuz if your kid is Gullible, and Naive, and likes books and is a pushover, everyone's life around that little shit is gonna be hell, and after you've had to go to the ER fter major beatings, you'll realize you should have killed them or left them behind. THIS Place don't take kindly to no BOOK LEARNERS. Oh, and if they are succeptable to negative influence and might possibly do drugs at some point in their youth, or start drinking, DEFENITELY KILL EM, before moving to lake county. Or you'll have a fucking frustrated Wastoid on your hands, in your home, etc... and it's gonna be fuckin HELL.
Feh.
I don't know if I should care if I did enough for my country of my community. I think I did a lot, and I think I can take a break now. I cannot flip Burgers. Hips and back and paranoid schizo hallucinations and pain induced rage aren't really things you want in a fast food establishment. DON'T YOU DARE put me in retail. I CANNOT DO THAT ANYMORE. The last time I tried working in retail I just about wounded some people and did far too much damage to myself to mention. Treated self and others like garbage, let my morals slip down and fall apart. Became a fiend for every chemical capable of altering my mind, easing the pain in my body, or bringing a slice of sunshine onto this grey grey field.
When you've gone ... far, and you know you've ... gone far.... Sometimes the only thing left we can do is sit down and write about it. People been telling me that I write good. People say that I write hell of good and that I should have an agent and that I should be selling books and articles and making money and getting the hell outta this hole I'm stuck in. Hard to do. The hole walks with me. Like Daddy's little Grey cloud that followed him around. Hovering just overhead, raining on him at any moment, I presume. There are no venues around here (NOR Do I want there to be), for writers to be able to grab a mic and run off some spoken word stuff and kick out some "jams", of a different kind. The music scene and art scene and my will and desire and urge for revenge are totally not on the same page as each other.
Is it "fair", for me to feel like there are enough words in the world, and if I stopped typing, it will be the same??? NO, because these words coming out here are my blood and my spit and my sweat and my tears and my emotions, and all that other crap.
Shit.
You know...
after looking back at the last 5 years of stupid bullshit around here.... I have to ask... WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO GET OUTTA THIS??? Yes I fucked up. I admit it. Yes, some of the things I did are not, nor ever shall be excusable. Especailly when I was drunk, I hate being but also love being blitzed, i feel like a god and not a whiney broke basterd who can't do jack for themselves cuz he's such a pushover. I have no clue how I'm gonna get outta this hole. I have no clue how I'm gonna do it but I gotta get the hell outta Clearlake. It's ripping me up. and Tearing me down.
I just got told I pent all my money on booze, drugs, and games I don't even play. That's not true, I like MY TV TOPPERS, and I bought cigs.
I need a bunker, a handler, a driver, a cook, and lots OF SPACE between me and them.... Keep me away from them. SHIT. Feels like I dripped into a vial, and got mixed up with something very strange, and got stirred up and poured back out. Linear thought is gone. Totally gone.
Just reaction. This to me, is like death. Braindeath is DEATH.
too many head shots. too much brain injury. static disconnection. pulverized by media's perspectives and jumbled aspects forged by big money contracts and self destructive puppet mode induction, we watch the screen and read the ticker. To find out who's dead, and who's getting sicker. We try to raise fingers, and with them we point, but at what target, get me outta this joint.
just change the channel, it's all dial twisting. screaming at mile long walls, and no one is listening. When the blood is all dried up, it just blows away, and nothing ever changes, in Clearlake today. But isn't just this teeny tiny place, where money and power and greed run the race. It's not what you know, or how much you've learnt, it's how many beaten, and how many homes burnt. The whole planet suffered after 9/11. The game changed. The machine got up, walked in, and took over. Now we feel like everything SUCKS, and everything is shit, and I have no clue how long it'll be before we come out of it, nor if we'll come out of this thing at all. The edges of the hole are going out farther and farther and it frightens me. BOREDOM IS the Crack in the pavemnt that eats the being. Boredom will cause one to trip on that sidewalk and fall ... straight down. This place is FILLED with nothing. Bottomless like that GODDAMNED LAKE. Oh how I hate thee, Clearlake.
If you are a parent and you want to move to Lake County, and your kid's into books and reading and silly little shit like that, and they're like 13 or so. And they don't have shit for social skills, and IF THEY'RE NAIVE AND GULLIBLE, Do yourself a favor and shoot them in the face. Move to Lake County afterwords. Save the 20 years of hell for the kid and you, and shoot them in the fucking face and kill them, it's a lot less bullshit that way. Cuz if your kid is Gullible, and Naive, and likes books and is a pushover, everyone's life around that little shit is gonna be hell, and after you've had to go to the ER fter major beatings, you'll realize you should have killed them or left them behind. THIS Place don't take kindly to no BOOK LEARNERS. Oh, and if they are succeptable to negative influence and might possibly do drugs at some point in their youth, or start drinking, DEFENITELY KILL EM, before moving to lake county. Or you'll have a fucking frustrated Wastoid on your hands, in your home, etc... and it's gonna be fuckin HELL.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
on religion: : 9/6/09
on religion:
religion is good and religion is bad.
religion can let one feel good.
religion can let one feel bad.
religion can outwardly and inwardly criticize the reader of its texts.
religion can with no knowledge of doing so, drive someone to suicide, if wrongly interpreting the texts upon which it is based, or upon and within IT IS referenced.
we shall overcome.
we shall be free.
we shall look upon these books and upon these words and upon the blood that has been spilled and the people who hat spilt it, and point OUR fingers of judgement, for we are ALIVE and we ARE ALSO DIVINE and we are what we can be and in both good and bad modes we must realize that it is our choice, not he choices of puppet masters running us about in control of our strings, and that even if we have the strength to turn off the TV, or at least change the channel from something that is bothering us, in our hearts and minds.... that not only are WE thinking, and GOOD and OK... but we have a RIGHT, in every county... at every spot on this planet. To be able to SAY NO to the thoughts and patterns that oppress us as human beings.
That stop us caring and thinking and going FORWARD.
That is what life should be about. And even if you cannot yell to a large full house, or even if you cannot be in a band, or put up your art where you want to, or so anything that you really think that you want to do.
take the time to write the words down. take the time to make that artwork. take the time to recite that poem that's burning in your head. even if no one is listening, if it keeps you from breaking something, and or doing something stupid and you know that those claws are grabbing you, take the time right NOW, you're WORTH IT, for Christ's sake, you're worth it.
When You ... on the deep down inside, tell your own self NO, that it (whatever it is that you want to do), is NOT possible and cannot be pursued... that is when you are in TROUBLE. YES, YOU. What do you need to do????
Even if no one is reading you, make and keep your own deadlines. Make a schedule if they don't want to give you one. Burn it off, or lock it up and put it away for when you want to come out and publish it yourself. ITS OKAY. There's an ad I'd like to see once in a while. YOU'RE OKAY. IT'S OKAY... It's GONNA BE OKAY.
NO fucking big media...
I get to hear about 6 year old murder cases and every freaking disgusting little detail from some damn little ticker down at the bottom of the screen... the same damn ticker that tells us about band breakups in the middle of very very important stories.
religion is good and religion is bad.
religion can let one feel good.
religion can let one feel bad.
religion can outwardly and inwardly criticize the reader of its texts.
religion can with no knowledge of doing so, drive someone to suicide, if wrongly interpreting the texts upon which it is based, or upon and within IT IS referenced.
we shall overcome.
we shall be free.
we shall look upon these books and upon these words and upon the blood that has been spilled and the people who hat spilt it, and point OUR fingers of judgement, for we are ALIVE and we ARE ALSO DIVINE and we are what we can be and in both good and bad modes we must realize that it is our choice, not he choices of puppet masters running us about in control of our strings, and that even if we have the strength to turn off the TV, or at least change the channel from something that is bothering us, in our hearts and minds.... that not only are WE thinking, and GOOD and OK... but we have a RIGHT, in every county... at every spot on this planet. To be able to SAY NO to the thoughts and patterns that oppress us as human beings.
That stop us caring and thinking and going FORWARD.
That is what life should be about. And even if you cannot yell to a large full house, or even if you cannot be in a band, or put up your art where you want to, or so anything that you really think that you want to do.
take the time to write the words down. take the time to make that artwork. take the time to recite that poem that's burning in your head. even if no one is listening, if it keeps you from breaking something, and or doing something stupid and you know that those claws are grabbing you, take the time right NOW, you're WORTH IT, for Christ's sake, you're worth it.
When You ... on the deep down inside, tell your own self NO, that it (whatever it is that you want to do), is NOT possible and cannot be pursued... that is when you are in TROUBLE. YES, YOU. What do you need to do????
Even if no one is reading you, make and keep your own deadlines. Make a schedule if they don't want to give you one. Burn it off, or lock it up and put it away for when you want to come out and publish it yourself. ITS OKAY. There's an ad I'd like to see once in a while. YOU'RE OKAY. IT'S OKAY... It's GONNA BE OKAY.
NO fucking big media...
I get to hear about 6 year old murder cases and every freaking disgusting little detail from some damn little ticker down at the bottom of the screen... the same damn ticker that tells us about band breakups in the middle of very very important stories.
wtf, srsly, wtf.
In between Cheryl's going out looking like a completely trashy piece of easy ass and spending the night "out w/ friends", (my ass), Mom's Gambling problem, bad driving and fiscal irresponsibility, and my depression and addictions, this ain't real fun right now. Good thing I can pump my energy into the keyboard and not into destructive mode right now. thinking = sorta good sometimes. I wish mom would just get home and rest, contact some people about houses and try to find things that she wants to take to storage. The house is filling up like a liver of a duck. If I didn't have you, Oh, Words, sweet words, I'd be dead now for sure. Football is On. College Ball. I like how fast they go, in college football, for some reason it feels like it moves faster... or is it just me? Probably me, i feel like so much is moving much much faster. All I can do is trust on the inside, that's all I can deal with right now/ the only choice have left. No one else. Alone.
in the ring with all my alter egos.
SHIT!
in the ring with all my alter egos.
SHIT!
0 versus the air. pt 1 to be continued.
0:
show me something.
air:
it shall be a house.
of sorts.
0:
what do you mean, a house, of sorts? what house, where is the house???
air:
you'll find it.
maybe even build it.
0:
what do you mean? Where will I build? I have no money, no land, no parcel and no plans. What house do you speak of?
air:
no walls to hold you,
as many floors a6 six, and walls just the same, a square upon a square upon a square itself.
it can be here or there, any size at all.
0:
I TOLD YOU, I have no floor plan, nor architect, what do you speak? What size is it, am I in it and do not know??? Your walls are not those that I can see, your voice comes from a body that is not like MINE, I only think that you may be in my head or that you are but a fever dream or a terrible nightmare occuring to me now. As i spin and turn my head from every angle your voice comes to me from every bit of space. I Should not have dabbled. I should Repent.
air:
wait. you did nothing wrong. only what you thought was right. you only do that because you are stuck, like a mouse in a trap. every yank you pull on the trap, it locks down harder into the skin, then into the bone, then right through the side. just relax, and I'll help you. ... stop trapping your self. What is the shape whose number is six but is not flat? But is squares?
0:
a Cube??? You want me to make a cube!! No problem, just four walls, a floor and a top. Easy as Pie. Where and when????
air:
That's the problem. Here and There, and Everywhere, Back then now and soon.
0:
stop talking in riddles and speak clear to me, damnit.
air:
not that easy a puzzle is it, 0?
0:
what puzzle, how did you... whatever you are get in my house.... or in my dream, or... whatever it is, or wherever or when ever I am. What's going on??? A dream, must be a dream.
air:
no dreaam, 0. you Are and Architect, you can solve this puzzle, its your puzzle anyways, no one else's. You have to solve it. Remember being in all those map-making sessions when you would make those huge maps when you were in college for your "friends", who wouldn't let you play in their dungeon exploring games, but you would help by making maps for them, and be SOOO nice to them, even theough they didn't really like you, and you felt like you needed to fit in.
0:
This is a DAMN NIGHTMARE!!!!! GRRRRRRR stop talking to me about that shit. leave me alone, whoever you are.... IF you are my BRAIN, KNOCK IT OFF. That was years ago, they hurt my heart, please leave that alone, whoever or whatever you are... please just stop, i want to wake up now, i need pills and a beer and a jay. i can't do with this bad trip right now. I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT.
air:
I promise you, O, you'll have what you want after we get done with this, and you figure out the puzzle.
0:
whats in it for me
-conitinue L8r-
351pm 9-6-09
show me something.
air:
it shall be a house.
of sorts.
0:
what do you mean, a house, of sorts? what house, where is the house???
air:
you'll find it.
maybe even build it.
0:
what do you mean? Where will I build? I have no money, no land, no parcel and no plans. What house do you speak of?
air:
no walls to hold you,
as many floors a6 six, and walls just the same, a square upon a square upon a square itself.
it can be here or there, any size at all.
0:
I TOLD YOU, I have no floor plan, nor architect, what do you speak? What size is it, am I in it and do not know??? Your walls are not those that I can see, your voice comes from a body that is not like MINE, I only think that you may be in my head or that you are but a fever dream or a terrible nightmare occuring to me now. As i spin and turn my head from every angle your voice comes to me from every bit of space. I Should not have dabbled. I should Repent.
air:
wait. you did nothing wrong. only what you thought was right. you only do that because you are stuck, like a mouse in a trap. every yank you pull on the trap, it locks down harder into the skin, then into the bone, then right through the side. just relax, and I'll help you. ... stop trapping your self. What is the shape whose number is six but is not flat? But is squares?
0:
a Cube??? You want me to make a cube!! No problem, just four walls, a floor and a top. Easy as Pie. Where and when????
air:
That's the problem. Here and There, and Everywhere, Back then now and soon.
0:
stop talking in riddles and speak clear to me, damnit.
air:
not that easy a puzzle is it, 0?
0:
what puzzle, how did you... whatever you are get in my house.... or in my dream, or... whatever it is, or wherever or when ever I am. What's going on??? A dream, must be a dream.
air:
no dreaam, 0. you Are and Architect, you can solve this puzzle, its your puzzle anyways, no one else's. You have to solve it. Remember being in all those map-making sessions when you would make those huge maps when you were in college for your "friends", who wouldn't let you play in their dungeon exploring games, but you would help by making maps for them, and be SOOO nice to them, even theough they didn't really like you, and you felt like you needed to fit in.
0:
This is a DAMN NIGHTMARE!!!!! GRRRRRRR stop talking to me about that shit. leave me alone, whoever you are.... IF you are my BRAIN, KNOCK IT OFF. That was years ago, they hurt my heart, please leave that alone, whoever or whatever you are... please just stop, i want to wake up now, i need pills and a beer and a jay. i can't do with this bad trip right now. I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT.
air:
I promise you, O, you'll have what you want after we get done with this, and you figure out the puzzle.
0:
whats in it for me
-conitinue L8r-
351pm 9-6-09
Saturday, September 5, 2009
kitestring.
the forward burn of the kitestring weighs at least 10 times as heavy and fast as i thought it would.
from the grey sky with lightning flashes in background clouds the black and white checkerboard kite clipped up into the air with quick and out ward zoom.
shot at least 20 feet up and into the sky in a few seconds.
string zipping out and up up up.... tringle shape blasting into the early evening.
it swayed. for a few seconds... right in about the same spot it seemed.
left and right edges batting up and down a little bit, like hands waving down hello to me from
way
up there.
then all of a sudden it back and forthed for a bit at about the same height.
then i don't know if this was me, or somethings else.... but it started to nosedive....
you know, the down shot fast like you already know that its gonna crash nosedive... yeah, that
one.
all of a sudden i felt like i needed to pre-brace myself for it the THWACK the ground in the
school yard. No dice, insead, either i was hallucinating from a flashback, but, i sewar that thing went right into the ground.
string shot through my fingers quicker than i thought possible...
i slowly regained a grip for a moment. but then the line shook left and right 3 feet each way on he outside of my arms..... i ran back, forth, and then went right up to where the ground ... i thought anyways, had eaten the kite.
nope... just sitting there... no dings, not broken. no hole...
what i thought were miles of kitestring were back on the reel in my hands.....
somethings defenitley ... not the same with me
from the grey sky with lightning flashes in background clouds the black and white checkerboard kite clipped up into the air with quick and out ward zoom.
shot at least 20 feet up and into the sky in a few seconds.
string zipping out and up up up.... tringle shape blasting into the early evening.
it swayed. for a few seconds... right in about the same spot it seemed.
left and right edges batting up and down a little bit, like hands waving down hello to me from
way
up there.
then all of a sudden it back and forthed for a bit at about the same height.
then i don't know if this was me, or somethings else.... but it started to nosedive....
you know, the down shot fast like you already know that its gonna crash nosedive... yeah, that
one.
all of a sudden i felt like i needed to pre-brace myself for it the THWACK the ground in the
school yard. No dice, insead, either i was hallucinating from a flashback, but, i sewar that thing went right into the ground.
string shot through my fingers quicker than i thought possible...
i slowly regained a grip for a moment. but then the line shook left and right 3 feet each way on he outside of my arms..... i ran back, forth, and then went right up to where the ground ... i thought anyways, had eaten the kite.
nope... just sitting there... no dings, not broken. no hole...
what i thought were miles of kitestring were back on the reel in my hands.....
somethings defenitley ... not the same with me
okay... hmmm.
stuff to think about today/ notes n such. i dunno, maybe take a nap....
I am kinda mad about the ELF, or Earth Liberation Front knocking down radio towers in Washinton State. The say that they are a terrorist group who make dents in companies and enities that don't support and harm the Earth. They claim that they have done over 150 million dollars in damage. I have a challenge for them (like they'll hear me, or like i'll even remember or care). Set up "Guerrilla Galleries", randomly put up small areas where art can be sold and money can be made, and thought can be communicated. For Every Tower you tear down, you should give books to people. You should pay off people's Library Cards. Clean up Your minds, you are not playing with energy correctly and you are are making listeners upset and not letting the floodwaters of information move through space. If you say that you truly care about the Earth, care about rebuilding the People On it, so that we can all work together forward into a better future.
What is your solution to the AM radio issue? Do you have a wrap around with systematic implementation strategies? How much will it cost to the consumer to move on to this next level? How much time will it take? In the meantime, can We please keep things okay, the way they are. I'd really hate it if I needed Emeergency Information, and the only thing that I had to tune into, was an AM radio, and some Counter Productive & Bored people had to go and wreck a local repeater station. Look, I don't know where you live, or how you live, but some people live in rural areas, adn some people don't have the internet. It's their choice. Some people have nothing but an AM radio in a blackout, or a huge storm. What you are doing isn't very nice , and if you don't have a complete solution that can be implemented now at no cost, emotionally, mentally, fiscally, or otherwise, to the general public and the stations themselves, i suggest that you sit down, and do nothing. If you wish to help the Earth, start with the minds and hearts of the planets people. Not breaking things, and freaking out.
Like I do.
I am kinda mad about the ELF, or Earth Liberation Front knocking down radio towers in Washinton State. The say that they are a terrorist group who make dents in companies and enities that don't support and harm the Earth. They claim that they have done over 150 million dollars in damage. I have a challenge for them (like they'll hear me, or like i'll even remember or care). Set up "Guerrilla Galleries", randomly put up small areas where art can be sold and money can be made, and thought can be communicated. For Every Tower you tear down, you should give books to people. You should pay off people's Library Cards. Clean up Your minds, you are not playing with energy correctly and you are are making listeners upset and not letting the floodwaters of information move through space. If you say that you truly care about the Earth, care about rebuilding the People On it, so that we can all work together forward into a better future.
What is your solution to the AM radio issue? Do you have a wrap around with systematic implementation strategies? How much will it cost to the consumer to move on to this next level? How much time will it take? In the meantime, can We please keep things okay, the way they are. I'd really hate it if I needed Emeergency Information, and the only thing that I had to tune into, was an AM radio, and some Counter Productive & Bored people had to go and wreck a local repeater station. Look, I don't know where you live, or how you live, but some people live in rural areas, adn some people don't have the internet. It's their choice. Some people have nothing but an AM radio in a blackout, or a huge storm. What you are doing isn't very nice , and if you don't have a complete solution that can be implemented now at no cost, emotionally, mentally, fiscally, or otherwise, to the general public and the stations themselves, i suggest that you sit down, and do nothing. If you wish to help the Earth, start with the minds and hearts of the planets people. Not breaking things, and freaking out.
Like I do.
its looking ... different.
when a person feels like they know that things are different, and they know that things have changed....
and they may feel like ... not the same.
is that when you delcare it being different and accept change and continue? or go back to what they thought was real, but may not be real at all.?
and they may feel like ... not the same.
is that when you delcare it being different and accept change and continue? or go back to what they thought was real, but may not be real at all.?
Friday, September 4, 2009
the importance of localization and legalization
Drugs.
Make them legal.
the way things go currently is a broken road.
how do i know?
I walk it.
I am a junkie, wastoid. call me what you will.
I am economically challenged and living in a socio-economically landlocked deadzone.
we have had our destinies pre programmed by our disposable lifestyles.
Why pay a guy 50 bux an hour to fix a pc when you can get one used for a little bit more.
why keep someone on staff when you can replace them with a machine that you don't have to pay for anything but the code that's replacing them.
why can't we have speakeasies where i can go in and roll a joint and discuss art work over a non alchoholic ale, or an iced tea?
Why is it that every day when i watch a sporting event that i have to deal with 16 beer commercials and no commercials that say "just relax", or "You're Okay", or "Smoke A Joint", how come we can't have the world the way that t should be???
Do the corporations and Lobbyists and Policy makers and freaking "feelings" run us like freaking robots??? YES they do.
remote fucking control.
Make them legal.
the way things go currently is a broken road.
how do i know?
I walk it.
I am a junkie, wastoid. call me what you will.
I am economically challenged and living in a socio-economically landlocked deadzone.
we have had our destinies pre programmed by our disposable lifestyles.
Why pay a guy 50 bux an hour to fix a pc when you can get one used for a little bit more.
why keep someone on staff when you can replace them with a machine that you don't have to pay for anything but the code that's replacing them.
why can't we have speakeasies where i can go in and roll a joint and discuss art work over a non alchoholic ale, or an iced tea?
Why is it that every day when i watch a sporting event that i have to deal with 16 beer commercials and no commercials that say "just relax", or "You're Okay", or "Smoke A Joint", how come we can't have the world the way that t should be???
Do the corporations and Lobbyists and Policy makers and freaking "feelings" run us like freaking robots??? YES they do.
remote fucking control.
side notes/ addendum;
kurt cobain made blonde rockers look like shit.
just say no to little green pills.
kurt cobain made blonde rockers look like shit.
just say no to little green pills.
9-4-09
welcome to the effing jungle.
mom blew car money on casino
stressed me out like a motherfucker.
Should have stayed in calpella last night, and just shot pool there instead of the "tour".
went from water trough north in search of an immaculate high.
went too far. 5 mintue late client RE: network was late, headache made me pass out at forest club.
mom's phone hell of died like stupid.
my phone, which may or not be real, is not blue, nor is it here.
sry for any bullshit.
small white d0gs ran amok in safeway parking lot,
while headless, i chased them about for a few minutes.
could have been ghosts.
fake million dollar bill with a dragon on it in pocket.
ten real dollars more in pocket then calculated before the weirdness kicked into full throttle.
still have pipe.
no blood lost.
still have some weed.
waiting for budweiser.
can't find brass bowl for bong.
damnit.
mom blew car money on casino
stressed me out like a motherfucker.
Should have stayed in calpella last night, and just shot pool there instead of the "tour".
went from water trough north in search of an immaculate high.
went too far. 5 mintue late client RE: network was late, headache made me pass out at forest club.
mom's phone hell of died like stupid.
my phone, which may or not be real, is not blue, nor is it here.
sry for any bullshit.
small white d0gs ran amok in safeway parking lot,
while headless, i chased them about for a few minutes.
could have been ghosts.
fake million dollar bill with a dragon on it in pocket.
ten real dollars more in pocket then calculated before the weirdness kicked into full throttle.
still have pipe.
no blood lost.
still have some weed.
waiting for budweiser.
can't find brass bowl for bong.
damnit.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
9-1-09 354pm
when the dreams in life and life as a who;e, good and bad, happy and side, birht to death isn't looked at as a whole, and worked through and processed and upgraded and used correctly, and one lives life just "REACTING", from moment to moment , that is when life isn't truly happening at all, that's when stumbling blocks in the road and little cracks in the pavement of life become larger and larger harder to just walk off, and soon, not only do people see the other person slip and trip a bit, but when the tripping and slipping turns into falling and falling and not being able to even see the pavement because its wayy up in the sky, or what appear to be the sky because the hole is swalling the person who was, a bit ago, in their eyes, stumbling a bit on a bumpy road, falling into an abyss of their own making and not even able to know it at all.
That's not living. That's just reacting and shutting up people and acting and actioning and not behaving or really living.
find a place you feel good, and put roots down. calm the inner self. screw the one you're with. Note to self: Don't go to bars where they call you gay for ANYTHING, especially to pick up women when the women call you GAY.
That's not living. That's just reacting and shutting up people and acting and actioning and not behaving or really living.
find a place you feel good, and put roots down. calm the inner self. screw the one you're with. Note to self: Don't go to bars where they call you gay for ANYTHING, especially to pick up women when the women call you GAY.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
letter to allen @ tv8- lake county
dear allen.
thanks for the reply, man.
I may be in clearlake (i live here now, but need to move due to recent violence and robbery) some wendesday unit. i have no clue when i'll be able to, i wish to leave. I need to find a place for myself and my family to be that is not in this terrible town, not Nice, Lucerene, Upper Lake. We're looking like Blue Lakes or East grrr, people in this town, and area, really don't like me. if you bled as much as i bled, you'd understand. I fear, i guess, for my life, who is to blame but myself for the foolish beast like behavior that I've permitted myself to doing. Following the old masters to a "T" isn't the best way of living life. Copy not Crowley, Thrust thyself not that much into Thompson, Lament not heavily for LaVey. I'm telling you the truth right now because it's my right as an American to exercise my freedom of speech, and with the broadcasting I've seen on your show, i know you know that's important. Plus, if I don't write, I'll tear it up,
and trust me, I get in tons of trouble then, totally off the rails. Plus it's what's getting me through the pain and centering me. that and not popping any god damned uber-strength vikes. Wowsers.
anyways. stay mello.
please consider running some of the old Black and white and early color horror movies w/ Legosi and Karloff, and the like. I think it's ok to put on (some) American International stuff on, i'm sure. They sell this stuff for like 8 bux for like 50 films in a box.
thanks for the reply, man.
I may be in clearlake (i live here now, but need to move due to recent violence and robbery) some wendesday unit. i have no clue when i'll be able to, i wish to leave. I need to find a place for myself and my family to be that is not in this terrible town, not Nice, Lucerene, Upper Lake. We're looking like Blue Lakes or East grrr, people in this town, and area, really don't like me. if you bled as much as i bled, you'd understand. I fear, i guess, for my life, who is to blame but myself for the foolish beast like behavior that I've permitted myself to doing. Following the old masters to a "T" isn't the best way of living life. Copy not Crowley, Thrust thyself not that much into Thompson, Lament not heavily for LaVey. I'm telling you the truth right now because it's my right as an American to exercise my freedom of speech, and with the broadcasting I've seen on your show, i know you know that's important. Plus, if I don't write, I'll tear it up,
and trust me, I get in tons of trouble then, totally off the rails. Plus it's what's getting me through the pain and centering me. that and not popping any god damned uber-strength vikes. Wowsers.
anyways. stay mello.
please consider running some of the old Black and white and early color horror movies w/ Legosi and Karloff, and the like. I think it's ok to put on (some) American International stuff on, i'm sure. They sell this stuff for like 8 bux for like 50 films in a box.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
LEGALIZE IT, AMIGO!
They just let people have up to like 5 grams of pot on them in Mexico. As well as like, some amount of cocaine.
Holy Shit.
guess who's economy is about to get REALLY stimulated.
Do it here in America. Except NOT the Coke. And Not the Speed, for CRYING out fucking LOUD. NOT the Speed.
Dear god that's all we need is the majority of the fucking country awake for days and days on end watching shapes crawl up outta the carpet drinking 4 cases of beer at 6 in the morning because everyone in your "crew", has been listening to the same fucking Marylin Manson album for 2 days all the way through, and they won't let you play another album, because they feel that the rush gets cleaner every time the buildup to the hidden track (even though it takes like 1/2 hour of silence), goes through, and thereby protects them from the SUNSHINE. Fuck that. Gimme my Black Flag and chest pain inducing coffee at 3:00am waiting for the sun to rise over new york and freaking out 'cuz i have no weed, money, nor beer to come down with.
and writing about it.
Holy Shit.
guess who's economy is about to get REALLY stimulated.
Do it here in America. Except NOT the Coke. And Not the Speed, for CRYING out fucking LOUD. NOT the Speed.
Dear god that's all we need is the majority of the fucking country awake for days and days on end watching shapes crawl up outta the carpet drinking 4 cases of beer at 6 in the morning because everyone in your "crew", has been listening to the same fucking Marylin Manson album for 2 days all the way through, and they won't let you play another album, because they feel that the rush gets cleaner every time the buildup to the hidden track (even though it takes like 1/2 hour of silence), goes through, and thereby protects them from the SUNSHINE. Fuck that. Gimme my Black Flag and chest pain inducing coffee at 3:00am waiting for the sun to rise over new york and freaking out 'cuz i have no weed, money, nor beer to come down with.
and writing about it.
through the ... WHAT????
who's to say who's what, and what's who, though, here? This place reminds me more and more every day of an Altered State, or a bad trip, Alice's looking glass... with lines of bathtub speed, low quality marijuana ash, and green beer spills strewn across its pitted, scratched, and tainted surface. Look not into it, its reflection is not to be trusted, question people around you, maybe even our own selves.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
america, the police of the world?
What the hell are we supposed to do, Police All the other countries in the world, wipe their asses after the go to the bathroom and and bring them peace while the people in the Homeland here die because of Cartel, Mafia, and Gang related and or enforced Violence due to our Old and Obsolete Government, whose backwards modes of thought continue to deny the fact that we are addicted to mind altering substances and therefore continue to LET real terrorists, with AMERICAN NAMES let blood flow onto the pavements, front porches and in the homes, OF AMERICA, and into the wallets and coffers of POLICE, POLITICIANS, and LOBBYISTS who care more about making hush money, then caring about the People.
The quality of Marijuana in Lake County is severely Below Par. It takes me about 100 plus dollars worth of the garbage around here to be able to relax my back and hips and headaches as a 40 sack or so would in the emerald triangle. It's being brought in from foreign borders, and from [;aces that I don't believe we should be supporting.
Legalize and Localize. It's the only way. Not only for drugs, but also, for our raw materials, labor, and intellectual affairs. We have brains here. Yes, keep our borders open for kind and caring people who feel that they would like to say hello. But please please please think about trying to localize our materials, and what we need right here, in this great place, so that we may rise above our tarnished view, to shed our filthy coats of dishonor and dignity, and that we may again, be the best. Slavery and labor wages need to be re-thought out. We need to find a way to make labor an option for the majority of the American people, and not be forced to look down at someone who is picking fruit, or grapes, or cleaning an office building. We need not look down upon the man who tills the field, nor we need look down at the college kid who is forced to work a hard job (with persons of other race, and cultures, due to absolute necessity of the situation.
If we legalized pot all the way across our nation. I believe that the taxation wouldn't be all that necessary, due to the fact that people would be buying loads and loads more of the consumer goods that go along well with marijuana, and that maybe we should be charged a "responsible usage", fee for a card that would enable quick and easy access to marijuana, whenever needed thereby reducing dependency on illegal access to the substance. That card could also permit the user to grow the stuff themselves, and the cards and fees could go right into local needs like roads, schools, medicine, etc, etc, as well as Law Enforcement, and as needed things like deficit, and paying off National Debt. Hemp also makes oil. Oil makes plastics. Toys come from China. Make weed legal, make our own plastic, make toys here. Make Jobs.
damn, do i have to do everything for you?
The quality of Marijuana in Lake County is severely Below Par. It takes me about 100 plus dollars worth of the garbage around here to be able to relax my back and hips and headaches as a 40 sack or so would in the emerald triangle. It's being brought in from foreign borders, and from [;aces that I don't believe we should be supporting.
Legalize and Localize. It's the only way. Not only for drugs, but also, for our raw materials, labor, and intellectual affairs. We have brains here. Yes, keep our borders open for kind and caring people who feel that they would like to say hello. But please please please think about trying to localize our materials, and what we need right here, in this great place, so that we may rise above our tarnished view, to shed our filthy coats of dishonor and dignity, and that we may again, be the best. Slavery and labor wages need to be re-thought out. We need to find a way to make labor an option for the majority of the American people, and not be forced to look down at someone who is picking fruit, or grapes, or cleaning an office building. We need not look down upon the man who tills the field, nor we need look down at the college kid who is forced to work a hard job (with persons of other race, and cultures, due to absolute necessity of the situation.
If we legalized pot all the way across our nation. I believe that the taxation wouldn't be all that necessary, due to the fact that people would be buying loads and loads more of the consumer goods that go along well with marijuana, and that maybe we should be charged a "responsible usage", fee for a card that would enable quick and easy access to marijuana, whenever needed thereby reducing dependency on illegal access to the substance. That card could also permit the user to grow the stuff themselves, and the cards and fees could go right into local needs like roads, schools, medicine, etc, etc, as well as Law Enforcement, and as needed things like deficit, and paying off National Debt. Hemp also makes oil. Oil makes plastics. Toys come from China. Make weed legal, make our own plastic, make toys here. Make Jobs.
damn, do i have to do everything for you?
once you've crossed the green line....
living here.... i dunno....
i don't want to get slamming on the bottle when i get better from this last beating, but i fear that i may.
i just want my card so i can smoke weed and be cool, it's a lot better off that way for every one, including me.
I'm saving my money and everything and doing what i can as soon as i start getting some cash again. Even if I don't get my check on the 22nd, i will try to hold on to what i can, so i can get ahead. I will not try to sit here and give away everything that i can to make these people around me and in my life happy. They have taken more than they need from me, and now they need to do stuff for them selves. Just like I need to preserve me, My art, and my dreams.
i don't want to get slamming on the bottle when i get better from this last beating, but i fear that i may.
i just want my card so i can smoke weed and be cool, it's a lot better off that way for every one, including me.
I'm saving my money and everything and doing what i can as soon as i start getting some cash again. Even if I don't get my check on the 22nd, i will try to hold on to what i can, so i can get ahead. I will not try to sit here and give away everything that i can to make these people around me and in my life happy. They have taken more than they need from me, and now they need to do stuff for them selves. Just like I need to preserve me, My art, and my dreams.
watch the garden.
Plant not the seeds of jealousy and greed and gluttony and in your mind's yard,
heaven knows
what may come up from that ground.
heaven knows
what may come up from that ground.
Monday, August 17, 2009
why why why
no one can stop it now.
the gates have been gently blown open by a wind that can't even be seen.
the beast is within and without.
i wish that i had not crossed those lines, that i had not did the things that i did.
to not be in this skin, and so close to where i am.
prevent me from behaving like an ass, o Lord. Please forgive me.
close to the fire i need not be.
fanning far larger flames beyond my reckoning, i have dabbled and crossed lines that should not be
AT ALL.
the gates have been gently blown open by a wind that can't even be seen.
the beast is within and without.
i wish that i had not crossed those lines, that i had not did the things that i did.
to not be in this skin, and so close to where i am.
prevent me from behaving like an ass, o Lord. Please forgive me.
close to the fire i need not be.
fanning far larger flames beyond my reckoning, i have dabbled and crossed lines that should not be
AT ALL.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
eff lake county, all around.
this place is the pits.
if your kids a nerd and you want them to die, move the fuck over here.
if you want to be around the most devoid intellectual area on the planet.
Get over here.
If you want everyone you know to turn on you.
get over here.
or don't.
if your kids a nerd and you want them to die, move the fuck over here.
if you want to be around the most devoid intellectual area on the planet.
Get over here.
If you want everyone you know to turn on you.
get over here.
or don't.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
o, leviathan
o leviathan,
cradler of the sun.
pulse me now the chaos and ablsoute of variable.
pierce now the realit y and i see your face in the corner of mine eye.
coveted one, let me know not your name but let me feel your presence.
to those shores where water fears to fall, and sirens perpetual silence calls.
let me see the spark.
and the things that come out to shine in the darkest of dark.
let me befreind you, for you were not forgiven by the absolute.
you, hate itself, and death, are long not needed here.
You shall sail to seas of wonder, and you shall pay no cost.
I'll pay your fare myself to get rid of
anger and holocaust.
"Let hate itself slide off you, Hate", I've told you, "you can go", but then you
bark right back at me, and rear your head again, repetitious, yes, we know.
See, my friend, we know one another, oh how years and time have passed.
I wish you not to trouble you, sir, but i really must try to ask.
Is it that you can see right in my eyes and see the fear?
or that you've been doing this to me, for all these too-quick years?
those in their right mind would have sent your Minds and souls to another Leviathan a long, long black eon ago. please forgive me, but peace should reside on this planet and what you do here is dangerous to our existence and to our entire galaxy, give us that which you hide, and be at peace with us, and we will not banish you, be on our side and our bond will span in lengths of time that are beyond our understanding. We wish too see the things that are not like the things we see now. we know that a different mode of mind is necessary to appeal to the absolute, and to even attemtp to accept it. O reality, may your sadness not bring us down, for we are us and you are you, and we wish you no harm, but damn the iris if hata which flows black energy unto this fragile planet, and shines no soul-giving love but brings us down into old thought and war and confusion.
we wish you not harm o old energies, we wish no harm to you o light of the sun, we wish no harm to you o great creators and destroyers, we wish that we could be at peace with the rhythm of the sun, bring me forth to my new mode, unto the sunrise of forever, unto the sunrise of now, unto the sunrise of the perpetual, unto the shadows, into which we shall shed light and learn from, and that the darkness not bring us down, for the abyss is not a place of banishment, if it exists, then it is also a creation of god, and upon those who have been cast unto it, we should shine the light of forgiveness, and of understanding, that the power of life and of knowing span not in individuals, but also in entire species, and that anger is and old old beast. and that we are beasts and that we should forgive ourselves and try to love and care for the cores of one another, for our energies can be Perpetual, and we need our hearts to change, if we are to go on this beautiful journey, in the best way we possibly can.
OM
8/8/09
cradler of the sun.
pulse me now the chaos and ablsoute of variable.
pierce now the realit y and i see your face in the corner of mine eye.
coveted one, let me know not your name but let me feel your presence.
to those shores where water fears to fall, and sirens perpetual silence calls.
let me see the spark.
and the things that come out to shine in the darkest of dark.
let me befreind you, for you were not forgiven by the absolute.
you, hate itself, and death, are long not needed here.
You shall sail to seas of wonder, and you shall pay no cost.
I'll pay your fare myself to get rid of
anger and holocaust.
"Let hate itself slide off you, Hate", I've told you, "you can go", but then you
bark right back at me, and rear your head again, repetitious, yes, we know.
See, my friend, we know one another, oh how years and time have passed.
I wish you not to trouble you, sir, but i really must try to ask.
Is it that you can see right in my eyes and see the fear?
or that you've been doing this to me, for all these too-quick years?
those in their right mind would have sent your Minds and souls to another Leviathan a long, long black eon ago. please forgive me, but peace should reside on this planet and what you do here is dangerous to our existence and to our entire galaxy, give us that which you hide, and be at peace with us, and we will not banish you, be on our side and our bond will span in lengths of time that are beyond our understanding. We wish too see the things that are not like the things we see now. we know that a different mode of mind is necessary to appeal to the absolute, and to even attemtp to accept it. O reality, may your sadness not bring us down, for we are us and you are you, and we wish you no harm, but damn the iris if hata which flows black energy unto this fragile planet, and shines no soul-giving love but brings us down into old thought and war and confusion.
we wish you not harm o old energies, we wish no harm to you o light of the sun, we wish no harm to you o great creators and destroyers, we wish that we could be at peace with the rhythm of the sun, bring me forth to my new mode, unto the sunrise of forever, unto the sunrise of now, unto the sunrise of the perpetual, unto the shadows, into which we shall shed light and learn from, and that the darkness not bring us down, for the abyss is not a place of banishment, if it exists, then it is also a creation of god, and upon those who have been cast unto it, we should shine the light of forgiveness, and of understanding, that the power of life and of knowing span not in individuals, but also in entire species, and that anger is and old old beast. and that we are beasts and that we should forgive ourselves and try to love and care for the cores of one another, for our energies can be Perpetual, and we need our hearts to change, if we are to go on this beautiful journey, in the best way we possibly can.
OM
8/8/09
Friday, August 7, 2009
today, we sip for ferris.
Rest in Peace, John Hughes, I will miss you. Your works were extraordinary, your words and production were top of the pile. Your films ROCKED. Spoke words for us that even if we were little when your stuff came out, we understood it, later on. I believe that now Jesus and you can get together and make a badass action flick filled with titties and explosions, maybe like you might have made had you had the chance.
Your work has been great, and the stories you told were truly beautiful.
I thank The Absolute Creator for bringing us such a person.
Goodnight, sir.
Class Dismissed.
Your work has been great, and the stories you told were truly beautiful.
I thank The Absolute Creator for bringing us such a person.
Goodnight, sir.
Class Dismissed.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
momma, we've all gone crazy, now.
I think that i've gone beyond the line. Pushed too far, excessed too much. Just messed up yet another friendship, and freaked out the neighborhood pretty bad. This is not funny anymore. I might die. The cartoon is getting towards the end.
Getting green card. Fuck this underground bullshit, shitty underground weed is hurting me and the outer support structure that is necessary to run with therien is not necessarily the best for me.
Rip into the weed as hard as i was hitting the bottle, i should.
Once you've had yr life threatened and or arrested and shit from many many blacked out nights, you know there's something wrong.
Can't quite figure out why the damn video machine isn't working like as well as it should. But okay.
grumble, grumble.
Getting green card. Fuck this underground bullshit, shitty underground weed is hurting me and the outer support structure that is necessary to run with therien is not necessarily the best for me.
Rip into the weed as hard as i was hitting the bottle, i should.
Once you've had yr life threatened and or arrested and shit from many many blacked out nights, you know there's something wrong.
Can't quite figure out why the damn video machine isn't working like as well as it should. But okay.
grumble, grumble.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
whateverville.
weclome to whateverville, where we just plain don't care.
the fires you'll have to put out yourselves.
and dont' talk to us of the crime,
you bitch about violence and robbers,
all of the time.
we're sick to death of you all asking, when can i be helped.
we hear all your phone calls,
toss all of your mailings.
and try to ignore your yelps.
the only thing here that means anything
is two-faced-ness, heartlessness and greed.
go ahead and take off to wherever, we have what we need.
and if we sit and threaten you, and you don't give it to us quick.
we'll drag you down, maybe put you in the ground,
you could help grow the weeds.
Our Society will never change it bux and looks come First!
if you question us, you'll be in a pickle,
we'll outsource our friend with the Sickle,
death has a perpetual thirst.
We cannot find any real reason for you to be here now.
your education is too expensive for us to pay you,
you have no real "worth", anymore to the community.
(to be c9ntd)
the fires you'll have to put out yourselves.
and dont' talk to us of the crime,
you bitch about violence and robbers,
all of the time.
we're sick to death of you all asking, when can i be helped.
we hear all your phone calls,
toss all of your mailings.
and try to ignore your yelps.
the only thing here that means anything
is two-faced-ness, heartlessness and greed.
go ahead and take off to wherever, we have what we need.
and if we sit and threaten you, and you don't give it to us quick.
we'll drag you down, maybe put you in the ground,
you could help grow the weeds.
Our Society will never change it bux and looks come First!
if you question us, you'll be in a pickle,
we'll outsource our friend with the Sickle,
death has a perpetual thirst.
We cannot find any real reason for you to be here now.
your education is too expensive for us to pay you,
you have no real "worth", anymore to the community.
(to be c9ntd)